Integrity: Honoring Your Word As Yourself

“We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.” ~Abraham Lincoln

The word “integrity” has a lot of weight to it, particularly as we continue to hear of political scandals, shady business practices, and hypocrisy among people. There are many meanings and perspectives that are associated with integrity, but broadly speaking it is about honoring your word as yourself. It is about following through on what you say you’ll be (values) or do (commitments).

Integrity itself is subjective. It is a code of conduct that we define for ourselves, created from our own personal beliefs and the adopted beliefs of our social systems. We know for ourselves when we have it or not by looking to how much our actions align with our words. When we are “in integrity,” we are honoring our promises to ourselves and others. When we are “out of integrity,” we are failing to stick to what we said we’d be/do.

Ultimately, integrity is neither good nor bad. It is just an evaluation of “what’s so” -- of whether or not we have fulfilled upon what we committed to. More often than not, well intentioned people fall out of integrity simply because they did not have adequate structures in place to support them in following-through on their commitments.

4 Steps to Regaining Your Integrity:

1. Reflect on what happened on your part that led to you being out of integrity
2. Clean it up by getting in communication and saying what’s so
3. Create a new commitment or terminate the agreement
4. Follow-through and keep in communication as issues arise

EXAMPLE:

What You Said You’d Do: Complete a project for your client by February 28.

What Happened: You got really slammed and you missed your deadline. You’re scrambling to pull it together as soon as you can. It’s March 11 and you have been afraid to contact your client because you feel bad, you’re embarrassed, and you want to have it “more than perfect” now that you are late.

What’s So: You are neither good nor bad. You are simply out of communication and did not complete the work by the date you said you would. You are committed to the work and you want to clean up your integrity.

Following the 4 Steps:

1. Consider for yourself what happened that had your integrity go out. Be objective and honest with yourself, and don’t make yourself wrong. Were you biting off more than you could chew? Did you plan poorly? Did you commit to a date that wasn’t feasible? Did you fail to create adequate structures (i.e., time/energy management, scheduling, resources, support, manpower, etc.) to achieve your commitment?
2. Contact your client and own where you are out of integrity. Keep it simple. Apologize, don’t make excuses, and do not lie about your reasons. Provide whatever pertinent details are important to them, but don’t overdo it.
3. Make a new commitment. This may be on the same terms or may be an altered version of the project. It will have a new deadline. Or it may be a termination of the commitment altogether. But most importantly, make a promise (to them and to yourself) to follow-through on your commitments and be in full communication as issues arise.
4. Move heaven and earth to honor your commitment. Create the structures you need to follow through. Ask for help if you need it. Communicate well in advance if issues arise that may get in the way of you not being able to keep your word.

Your client may or may not be okay with what transpired. Your client may even fire you. But the most important part is: you got in communication, you cleaned up your integrity, and learned something valuable for the future about yourself and how best to follow-through on your commitments. The key will be to keep your commitment to yourself to honor your word as yourself.

If you cannot or don’t intend to fulfill upon what you say you’ll be/do, then don’t make that commitment.

“Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.” ~Author Unknown

Asking for a Raise or Promotion: What’s in it for THEM?

Asking for a raise or promotion can be both a scary and empowering experience. Actually, asking for what you want period can be. The fear of the “no” can be disabling if you allow it to. Instead look at this as an opportunity to stand up for what you want and believe – there is nothing really to lose in doing that. If you come armed and ready, you’ll be in a better position to get it. And if you can do it without being attached to the outcome, you won’t feel a sense of defeat or disappointment if it doesn’t go the way you’re hoping. The goal is to be bold, put it out there, and be open to either result.

We are used to considering WIIFM: what’s in it for me? However, the biggest thing that you need to consider when asking for a raise or promotion is the reverse: what's in it for THEM (WIIFT)? While you might have excelled on your last performance appraisal or continue to fulfill upon the requirements of your job, that is "just enough" in this economy. You want to not only go above and beyond in your day-to-day performance, but offer something of added value that only you can provide. But before you go in to ask, do your due diligence... on yourself.

Reflect on what you have accomplished recently, all the way back to about 6 months ago. Write everything down. This may take a few sittings, and you may want to involve a close friend or confidante to help you tease the ideas out. Consider quantifiable, tangible results (i.e., dollars/time saved or gained, percentage improvement in efficiency/quality and how that translates to dollars/time, number of client contracts secured, etc.) as well as the intangible results (i.e., coached an employee into performance improvement, improved morale, etc.). As an ongoing practice, it's good to not only continually keep track of your achievements, but to save emails and other communications where anyone is praising your efforts.

Next comes the PR campaign -- a tricky, but essential part. Hopefully, you've been doing this all along, but if not, start setting the groundwork now. You want people to take note of your accomplishments and contributions, but don't want it to appear as flag-waving. There is a difference between confidently sharing what's been going on with you, and brown-nosing or tooting your own horn. Even worse is arrogance. Casual conversations work great, as do unsolicited updates (perhaps weekly) to your boss about what you're up to and achieving.

Be authentic and honest about yourself and what you bring to the table -- and own your power. However, it is just as important to call out the members of your team who helped you along the way. In fact, sometimes you'll go even farther if you focus on publicly acknowledging the contributions and achievements of others, leaving your impact as implied/presumed (great leaders do this!). And be sure to NEVER blame anyone else for failures -- the buck stops with you.

Next, consider the following questions and answer them honestly:

1. What are the values and mission of the organization, and are you living and breathing them?
2. What are the implied values and mission -- what is really going on -- and are you living and breathing that?
3. What does your business really need NOW, and are you prepared to provide it? Perhaps there is an initiative that is desperately needed that just needs a leader (you?) to make it happen.
4. What does your boss need and how can you give it to him/her? Making yourself indispensable is huge. Consider where you might be able to volunteer to assist with drafting routine communications or reports. Perhaps you are privy to troop-level information (not gossip or tattling!) that would help in planning that is relevant to the culture s/he is not privy to at the top. Important: Be sure that you won’t be sacrificing your own work and effectiveness in the process (you’ll shoot yourself in the foot and end up looking bad, or alienating others around you).
5. What are the special skills and talents that you bring to the table that you can either start using or amp up? This blog entry may help you get started. Maybe you have a real knack for writing or selling that could enhance pitches or closing deals. Think back to past roles and areas in your personal life that might serve you on the job.

And most importantly:

• What do you want? Be specific... and...
• What's in it for them? Be specific.

Once you've done the leg work (hopefully, with the groundwork laid over time), you are prepared to ask for that raise or promotion. Be bold, yet respectful. Ask for what you want, and elaborate authentically on not only your accomplishments and the value you add, but on what they stand to gain by giving you what you want. Help them to see it in dollars and cents (and sense), and to realize the huge asset you are to them. Bottom line: While this is about what you want, you want to help them to get what they want.

If it doesn't work out this round, keep doing the above and ask again. Sometimes it’s just bad timing, or there simply isn’t money in the budget – right now. So don’t get discouraged or take it personally. But you’ll need to also be very honest with yourself about your own performance and, just as important, whether this is the place you want to be. If not, there are larger, more fundamental questions to ponder...

The Quest for Happiness: Values, Vocational Choice, and Meaning in Life and Work

Throughout history, the concept of “happiness” has been a topic of debate among philosophers, theologians, academics, and laypeople alike. Discussion has centered on what constitutes happiness, how it can be achieved and sustained, and how it sources and results from individual and social well-being. In current times, psychologists have entered the fray, inquiring and researching the very same points in a scientifically rigorous manner. The popularity of this quest for happiness has birthed racks of self-help literature, life coaches, and gurus such as Oprah Winfrey and Anthony Robbins – all hoping to supplement, enhance, and even cash-in on this very fundamental human pursuit. The quest is both ancient and modern, and is echoed in the words of Aristotle: “Happiness is so important, it transcends all other worldly considerations.”

At some point, and often at many points in our lives, we ask the questions: Who am I and what do I want to be (do) when I grow up? Work and career are an important means by which people manifest themselves in the world. For most of us, a large proportion of our waking hours is spent working. Because of this, it is important to an overall sense of happiness that each of us is content in what we are doing on a day-to-day basis. While some labor as a means to an end (and may or may not be happy), there are many who derive a great amount of personal fulfillment and satisfaction from their professions.

These fundamental topics of happiness, purpose, meaning, and choice are a large part of what I focus on with my clients, and were the crux of my Master's thesis at Northwestern University. The study is titled: The Quest for Happiness: An Exploration of Values, Vocational Choice, and Meaning in Life and Work. Using quantitative and qualitative survey data, I examined how those who report high and low levels of overall happiness tend to rate and rank their values, make choices with respect to work and life roles, and how they derive or assign meaning to those choices. Based on a robust sample (thanks to many of my readers for completing the survey!), the results demonstrated that there is a strong linkage between each of these factors, and that happiness and work satisfaction are directly impacted by the vocational and life choices people make.

I recently completed my Master's of Science in learning and organizational change at Northwestern, and am working on a white paper version of my findings. However, I have available three different versions of my thesis for readers:

1. Full thesis
2. Thesis without appendices
3. Condensed version of thesis (omits some findings)

If you are interested in reading this immensely interesting study, please send me an email at info@judahkurtz.com, along with your name, email address, and which version you're interested in me sending. You may also let me know if you are interested in the white paper.

Distinguishing Between Spirit and Soul

I just started reading a collection of passages from literature, compiled by Thomas Moore in The Education of the Heart. His intention in bringing together this information was for the purpose of showing us "how to cultivate our humanity." Within the section "The Rediscovery of the Soul," Moore introduced the discussion with his own thoughts on spirit versus soul.

I share this with you now because it sparked a paradigm shift. I have spent much of my life focused on my own spiritual evolution but am now realizing I have been neglecting aspects of my soul. I had collapsed the two concepts into one, believing the nurturing of my spirit was the same as nurturing my soul. I look forward to exploring this distinction further, and to the insights and expansion I experience as I dig deeper into my own humanity... focusing not just on the transcending of it.

"Ancient literature makes a distinction between the soul and the spirit, and this important consideration, foreign in many ways to common thinking, has been developed in creative ways by C.G. Jung and especially James Hillman. Although the issue is subtle and complicated, in general terms we can see the spirit as focused on transcending the limits of our personal, time-bound, concrete life. The spirit is fascinated by the future, wants to know the meaning of everything, and would like to stretch, if not break altogether, the laws of nature through technology or prayer. It is full of ideals and ambition, and is a necessary, rewarding, and inspiring aspect of human life.

The soul is, as Jung says, the 'archetype of life,' embedded in the details of ordinary, everyday experience. In the spirit, we try to transcend our humanity; in the soul, we try to enter our humanity fully and realize it completely. Egged on by spiritual ambition, a person might imitate the old saints and go into the desert or the forest to be cleansed and discover a high level of consciousness. Full of soul, a person might endure the highs and lows of family life, marriage, and work, motivated by a compassionate and hungry heart." (p. 12)

"...people are often confused when faced with the traditional distinction between the soul and the spirit, but distinguishing these two dimensions of experience can be helpful. We might notice, for instance, how much we are motivated by the spirit in our concentration on the future, on understanding, and on achievement. We might then see how we neglect the soul, which has complementary but very different values, such as slowness, the past, inaction, feeling, mystery, and imagination....To suggest a distinction between soul and spirit is not to advocate a separation of the two. On the contrary, it seems best to arrive at a place where in effect the two work together, as in a marriage or partnership." (p. 32)

I close with a passage on soul by Marsilio Ficino (Book of Life), excerpted from Moore's book:

"If there were only two things in the world, mind and body, but no soul, then the mind would not be involved with the body, because it is fixed and emotionless and very distant from physical life. Nor would the body have anything to do with the mind, because by itself it is inept and powerless. It is also far removed from the mind. But if soul is placed between these two, adjusted to the nature of each, then one would easily become involved with the other." (p. 15)

New Year’s Resolutions are a Waste of Time

I have been saying this for years: New Year’s Resolutions set you up for failure and feeling sh**ty about yourself. The resolutions people make are usually about fixing themselves and their lives, based on “there is something wrong here” or even worse, “there is something wrong with me.” It is a losing proposition that doesn’t usually produce the results we seek, nor the sense of commitment, pride, and accomplishment we deserve. Instead, focus on getting clear about what you want -- based on values and personal purpose/meaning -- and then create goals that support that. Create a living, breathing plan for the coming year that you adjust as you evolve and discover more about yourself. Don’t do this all or nothing approach that comes with resolutions.

I believe it important to set yourself up to win. I have an exercise that I do personally, and assign to my clients every year called Looking Back, Looking Forward. It can be done at New Year’s and/or at birthdays (personal new year) and is designed to help you begin your year with energy and excitement. It is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation. So, let’s dive in and start with…

Looking Back

Begin by reflecting on what you have accomplished and learned this past year, so that you can powerfully complete it with honesty and celebration. We so often want to charge ahead into “what’s next” without taking the time to consider all that it has taken to get us here. Who were we being that allowed us to create the successes and lessons? What did we do that gave us all we have? If we don’t take the time to acknowledge this, we miss out on honoring ourselves and our actions…and feel like we are always pushing ahead toward an elusive finish line that never shows itself.

Find a quiet spot to write or type without interruptions. This may be in your home, a peaceful location where you feel at one with yourself, or even a coffee shop. Relax and reflect, without judgment, and record your thoughts. Consider these questions:

1. What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
2. What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
3. What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
4. What did you learn this year?
5. What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Below are some topics that you may want to include (for both parts of this exercise) so that you can broaden your scope beyond career, money, and health:

• Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
• Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
• Health: mental, physical
• Relationship: friends, family
• Love: romance, partnership, dating
• Personal growth
• Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
• Community: contribution, involvement
• Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
• Fun and recreation
• Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
• Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
• Miracles: something amazing and unexpected…

Try to write down at least 2-3 items in each area, but you may find yourself putting down dozens of successes and lessons. You may also consider working with someone close to you to help capture things that you are forgetting about. Then choose to celebrate the year in some way. It can be something like purchasing a gift for yourself, or it can be an action that doesn’t cost a dime. Whatever way you choose to recognize what you have achieved, the most important part is you consciously take the action with celebration in mind. Some examples may be taking a bath, making a toast or a special meal at home, or even going for a long walk.

Looking Forward

This portion of the exercise is about creating a vision of what you want to be/do/have for the coming year. Think about who you are, what you value, and what is most important to you. Consider what you dream about, who you want to be, and what kinds of activities you would like to participate in.

Then write down, in each of the areas listed above, a few goals and milestones for the coming year. Some are continuations of something you have already been doing (keep smoke-free, continue going to the gym 2x a week), or might be new activities (be open to taking risks, take a vacation). Don’t get too bogged down in the “how” just yet. Just allow yourself the space to be creative and think outside the “fixing” toward what your heart truly wants. Refer to this article for a little assistance. Remember this is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation.

Some tips:

• Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
• Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching." Consider this article when writing this.
• Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
• Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
• Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

Now What?

You have reflected on the past year, you have celebrated and put it to bed, and you have created goals and milestones for the coming year. The next step is: action. Remember, these are not New Year’s Resolutions; rather, they are part of your short and long term plans based on who you are and what you really want. Now is the time to jump in. Here are some suggestions for initiating and keeping your goals alive for yourself:

1. Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.
2. Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.
3. Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. Hire a coach. You don’t have to go it alone!
4. Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it.
5. Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. See more explanation of this HERE. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.

You Are Exactly Where You Are Supposed To Be…

…because that is where you are. These words came out of my mouth with a client today, and I was reminded how true it is for all of us to keep in mind. There are many times when we think to ourselves: Why am I here? Shouldn’t I be somewhere else? Shouldn’t I be, do or have something different at this point in my life?

The reality is: you are on a path. You may not be entirely clear where that path is leading, but there is something crucial about the experiences you are having right now. A year from now, you will look back and say: At this time last year, I was going through X and I learned A, B, and C, that got me to where I am today. Trust that, and know that throughout your life, it has always been that way...and it has always worked out in a direction that allowed you to learn crucial information. Your unique journey is necessary for your own growth, discovery of self, and manifestation of goals and dreams.

Cut yourself some slack. Stop focusing on the “shouldas” and focus on the present. Give yourself permission to take stock in where you currently find yourself, and ask: What am I learning? What’s important to me? What are my values and am I honoring them? What do I want to create?

And if you are unable to take an objective, 30,000 foot view of your situation, share it with a trusted friend, family member, or coach. Their points of view (taken with a “grain of salt”) may spark some new thoughts, choices, or direction for reflection. Journal, collage, or just talk it out. But be sure to stop, look, and listen to what life is telling you. Have faith that it’s all happening this way because these are essential lessons for what’s coming next on your path.

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Judah S. Kurtz - Coaching & Consulting - Since 2000, Judah Kurtz has provided life and business coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to help them find clarity, success and fulfillment. He has expertise in career development, effectiveness, motivation, leadership, and organization and communication skills. He holds degrees and certifications in psychology, training, and organizational development from Northwestern University, has extensive coaching training, and has over fifteen years of experience working with corporate leadership.