Reflect, Celebrate, Create Anew

2011 has been quite a year – for everyone I know.  It has been challenging on every front, but has also been a year in which we have learned a great deal about ourselves, and our wants and needs.  And there has been a large string of wins. 

We can get so caught up in the go-go-go of the holiday season, and the pressure that comes with “wrapping up,” we forget to take the time to authentically pause (not just rest) and reflect on all the successes and lessons we have experienced.

REFLECT

Every year, I do the comprehensive "Looking Back, Looking Forward (LBLF) exercise".  And 2011/2012 will be no different.  Rather than rehashing it for you, I’ll let you click over there yourself and run through it.  Instead, I want to focus on some key points. 

Of course, reflect on the year and consider these questions:

• What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
• What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
• What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?

However, I want emphasize the many lessons you’ve had.  In the face of challenge, you either meet them head on, avoid them and deal with the consequences, or suffer through the experiences.  In any case, you always come out the other side having grown in some way.  For each instance, I invite you to focus on:

• What actually occurred
• What you did to address the issues (or not)
• Who you were (or not) that brought you success (or not)
• Who/what you choose to be/do going forward

Reflect on what you did and did not do, but take the time to identify what you learned.  If you are not yet clear, reflect on that and come to some understanding so that you can acknowledge your strength, perseverance, and capacity for handling the many bumps that life presents to you along your journey.

CELEBRATE

It took something for you to push through, to walk through the fire, to come to some new realizations about who you are and what you want/need.  Celebrate that.  Even if the outcome was not what you were hoping or expected, remember that these experiences were custom created by and for you so that you can learn some important aspects about yourself and life that are essential for your future. 

Learning and growth are important, so don’t forget to celebrate this.  And of course, don’t skirt over the many accomplishments and successes you’ve had over the year – no matter how big or small.  Each are wins, and it is essential that we give ourselves credit and snaps for every step that got us there.  They are not just items you are ticking off your “to do” lists.

CREATE ANEW

Be sure to do the LBLF exercise now.  Don’t put it off, as you want to start the new year off with clarity and power.  Leave 2011 in 2011, and design your 2012.  This is not a series of New Year’s resolutions, as I don’t believe in fixing and correcting.  Rather, I believe in creation and commitment based on your core values, your heart’s desire, and what you know you want for yourself and your life moving forward.

Again, this is about what you want to be/do/have in the coming year.  This is also about what you want to learn.  Just like creating a development plan at work, consider what you want to focus on in your own life and put some SMART goals in place so that you can make them happen. 

Clearly, life will throw new experiences at you and you will need to allow the river to carry you where it will, but you will find that if you place some emphasis on growth and development as a goal, it will be less stinging when something unexpected shows up.  You can say to yourself, “Ah, here’s an opportunity for me to expand who I know myself to be,” and look for where you can bring the very best of you to the table. 

One final thing I like to do is create some themes for myself for the year – in other words, setting some specific intentions.  For 2011, I created three key themes that I defined at the end of 2010:

1. Phoenix – completion à rebirth à growth à expansion
2. Opening of self to other realms of thought, heart, and spirit
3. Abundance and freedom

Because I set those intentions, I am able to see that is exactly how 2011 went down. It puts it all into a context I remind myself of – both as I went through the year and as I wrap up 2011. I am formulating my 2012 themes as we speak, but I know they will include digging deeper, expanding capacity, and building.

As you consider your 2011/2012, remember to return to your core by defining/honoring your values, incorporating both successes and lessons, and celebrating how beautiful your life is/has been.  You made it happen.  And will continue to do so, whether you do the LBLF exercise or not.  However, the more clear and intentional you are, the richer the experiences in 2012 will be.

Allowing the River to Carry You

There is an art to the act of surrender.  It requires a belief that all will work out for the best (successes and lessons), and having trust and faith in ourselves, others, and/or something larger than us.  This is no simple feat, yet it can be much easier than we make it if we “allow” it to be.

I am a master of scenario planning.  When faced with a decision, challenge, or even a possible situation, I identify and examine all the potential outcomes I can imagine.  With that, I work backward and distinguish the issues that might arise, the resources I have and may require, and what choices I will need to make – all the way up to the immediate moment.

While this might sound like intelligent strategizing and preparation, it can be maddening and a source of worry and stress.  Particularly when these scenarios are only possibilities, or when I only have limited information.  I can put myself on a hamster wheel, turning the thoughts over and over looking for holes and missing pieces to the potential outcomes and courses of action.  I recognize that while there are unknowns, I can make some reasonable assumptions and plan accordingly. 

This vigilance (or hyper-vigilance) is useful to a point, but it is also detrimental.  It takes away from being present and fully able to objectively see all points as they arise.  If our minds are directed toward a particular course, set of criteria, or potential warning signs and triggers, we are more likely to see only that.  There is a need for certainty and a sense of control, attempting to be adequately prepared for most any situation. 

However, there needs to be a balance.  The motto of the US Coast Guard has always resonated with me – semper paratus (“always ready”) -- and I have lived much of my life by that.  However, as I’ve witnessed all the stress and worry I inflict upon myself over the years, I am finding it equally important to cultivate this idea of “surrender.”  Let me share a metaphor that helps me visualize this act of “letting go.”

Imagine yourself in a small canoe on a wide, powerful river.  You have a pair of oars and are paddling madly, attempting to direct yourself upstream.  You are struggling and sweating to row against the current, fighting to move in the opposite course from where the river is taking you.  You suffer and stress for fear of what’s around the bend and are doing your best to resist, defend, and survive.

Now imagine that this river is life, a journey, and your situation.  That there will be many twists and turns ahead that you can’t quite see, but the river is your friend.  Any waterfall or jagged rocks you meet are there for you to navigate around and through, and you get greater experience and wisdom with each encounter.  You and your little canoe are safe, and  you can trust it will be a wild ride that can be fun if you let it be.  But also know this: the river is going to take you there whether you like it or not.  You can struggle and suffer and fight the current, or you can take a different tack. 

Take a deep breath, mustering the strength and courage to have faith and trust in you and life.  Picture yourself pulling your oars into your canoe, surrendering and allowing the river to carry you, whatever may come.  This does not mean that you can’t consider the “what ifs” and potential scenarios and make some preparations (steering the canoe with your oars).  But it will allow you to let go, relax, and pay greater attention to the scenery as its occurring.  Calm and focus will better allow you to effectively respond to whatever arises than you having your head down with your arms frantically paddling against a powerful force.

I might say carpe diem (“seize the day”) as a Latin companion to semper paratus, recognizing that there is a balance between being prepared for the unforeseen future, while drinking in the now and relishing its fragrant bouquet.  However, I think I’d prefer to close with a quote from the 1986 film character, Ferris Bueller: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  If you keep focus on fighting the current, you’ll miss out on not only life, but the many signs along the way that can help you navigate your journey.

Life’s Challenges Expand Your Capacity

Life will throw a lot at you, sometimes more than you believe you can handle. However, it’s an interesting journey to discover how much capacity you actually have to manage and push through the challenges that cross your path. Walking through the fire is hard, but trying to walk around it is ultimately harder (and more time/energy consuming).

When we are faced with challenges in life, it is our opportunity to pay attention. Whether we choose to look, listen, and continue to ask the questions is up to us. We are presented with opportunities to either play victim and bemoan our fate or to learn how our choices impact our experience.

We ultimately create the situations in which we find ourselves. At times, we can feel like life is being done TO us, that we are a victim of the world “out there” and of our circumstances. The truth is: life is being done BY us. We make a series of choices that lead us to this point -- both internally and externally -- when we choose a certain perspective or course of action.

I have said before in another post: you are exactly where you are supposed to be because that is where you are. Consider what you are meant to be learning right now. Take an objective look and evaluate how and where you may be the source of your suffering or situation, and what actions (or non-actions) brought you here. What are you discovering about yourself, your values, your desires and passions, and what you do and don’t want in your life? What is important to you and where do you want to go next?

If you are unclear, start paying attention to the breadcrumbs and follow those until you get find greater clarity. If you know where you want to be/go, take some baby steps to allow you to inch your way little by little toward your objectives. The key thing is to get clear, make some choices that are in alignment with who you are and want you want to be/do/have, and take consistent action (no matter how small).

The final piece is to cultivate gratitude for these experiences, these opportunities.  They are being delivered to you for a reason, and it is up to you to make the most of them so you can push forward powerfully into the next chapters of your life.  Say thank you, even if you feel frustrated or discouraged, and allow yourself to surrender to the larger forces at play.  Surrender does not imply giving up.  Rather it is about letting go of fighting the current, and allowing the water to carry you.

Through this process of living life, we discover that the Universe/God/Life gives you only as much as you can handle. By observing, releasing the garbage that we put in our own way, and cultivating some faith in ourselves and something bigger than us, we realize that our capacity is much larger than we ever knew. Look back 10 years ago and you’ll likely see how far you’ve come. And 10 years from now, you will reflect on this time and recognize how important it was for your journey and development.

In Your Mind’s Eye: Positive and Negative Thought

We live in a world where resources seem scarce, where time and money (and the list goes on) appear to be the reasons why we can or cannot be/do/have what we want. We crave, we plan, we strive, and we sometimes get it and sometimes we don’t. Or at least that is how it appears. The reality is: we more often than not get what we place our attention on. If we freely dream without attachment, somehow it makes it to our doorsteps. When we focus on all the reasons why it’s not possible, or on all the things in our way, we often run into exactly that – all the constraints, and challenges.

This is an old idea, borrowed from the en vogue conversation about Law of Attraction, which loosely states that “like attracts like.” What is meant by this is our positive thinking manifests positive physical results, and our negative thoughts attract its likeness, namely impediments and negative outcomes.

This is a great concept, but it’s not as clear cut as the idea implies on the surface. We don’t usually think in individual positive and negative thoughts separately, but think of them concurrently. We may wish for something (positive), but at the same time think of all the perceived reasons, past history and experiences, and problems (negative) that stand in our way from having it. So, these two battle themselves out, with the negative thoughts usually being much stronger than the positive ones – winning the argument and ultimately resulting in struggle and/or negative results.

Some Examples

Romance

• Perceived positive desire: “I want to be in a romantic relationship.” 
• Contrasting negative thoughts: “I have not had luck with this, and I can’t seem to ever meet anyone worth being with…I try and fail and this is going to happen again…Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always meet jerks?” And on and on… 
• Result: The negative thought is really strong and you end up meeting people that are not a match, or struggle to meet anyone at all, or worse, you never put yourself out there to begin with… resulting in no relationship. 

Money 

• Perceived positive desire: “I need money so I will no longer struggle to survive.” 
• Contrasting negative thoughts: The thought above has both a positive desire and negative thought combined. 
• Result: This thought is coming from a place of lack and poverty, not from a place of strength, abundance, and a wealthy state of mind. So, what you attract is more of the same. 

These are just a couple of simplistic examples, but you can likely see how these may show up for you in a variety of forms. And they can be applied to career, health, relationships, and anything else that you may want in your life.

Now What?

What is needed is an opportunity to get into your mind’s eye, into the heart of the desire, and to give yourself permission to think freely about what you want. To dream, to let go of attachment to the end result, and to hand it over to God/Universe/Whatever to align you with your desire. And key to this is to get out of your own way by resisting thoughts about all the impossibilities and historical “failures.” I know that sounds really “woo-woo” and New Age-y, and that’s okay. What you have been doing up to this point has had limited success, so it may be worth a try.

Suggested Path

1. State it. Formulate your desire into a highly positive form that feels good to you. Resist “need” or “fix-it” language. The more specific the better. For example, “I want a loving romantic partnership” or “I have more money than I know what to do with.” Pretty inspiring right?
2. Dream it. Think freely about all aspects of having that desire fulfilled. DO NOT think about the “how” or any of the reasons why it’s not possible or can’t happen. Give yourself permission to imagine yourself standing in that place of being/doing/having whatever you are wanting as if it existed NOW. Imagine that partnership, and how you feel, what you are doing together, what your life looks like. Imagine having a full bank account and no needs unmet. The richer the picture, the better. Collage it, write it out, brainstorm with a friend, fantasize.
3. Play Nice. This is the hard part: manage your inner critic (the liar!). Resist the urge to cut it down to something more “realistic,” as well as to cut yourself down with statements like “I don’t deserve it” or “I won’t ever get that!” Just keep focused on your statement and on your dream.
4. Leave it Alone. For a time, don’t go to the “how” or to “doing” unless something shows up that feels like a natural action. If it’s useful to you, give yourself a time frame for it, like: I will focus on my positive desire for a month without focusing on “how,” then do that.
5. Pay Attention. As you keep focused on your desire, you will see things popping up, both positive and negative that reinforce or detract from the possibility of what you want. Just notice them and let them go. If the positive ones feel worth investigating (like: your friend invites you to a networking event), go for it. If the negative thoughts draw you in (like: “my credit card debt is out of control”), notice what they are about and see if there is something you need to address. Sometimes the perceived negative thoughts are your path to positive results. Otherwise, follow step #3 when it comes to the negative.
6. Follow the Breadcrumbs. When you are ready to take action, read this post to push forward. 
7. Be Open. Lastly, don’t be attached to the final outcome. It may not look like you originally intended, but it will be necessary for your journey. And you will learn more about yourself in the process. 

What you put out there is what you get in return. Focus on the positive, and manage the negative, to be/do/have what you want in your life. It sounds simplistic, and it really is if you can get out of your own way.

Redux: It's Time for Your Mid-Year Review

We just passed the mid-year mark for 2011. How is 2011 going? Are you where you’d like to be? It’s time to go back and review your goals for the year and celebrate what you’ve accomplished, revise as needed, and create some new ones. If you don’t have a 2011 plan, this is as good a time as any to design a road map for where you’d like this next six months to go.

This is a fairly quick, easy process. Here is a step-by-step guide for getting yourself on track for the second half of the year:

Part I - Put the past behind you and celebrate

1. Reflect on the first half of the year. Whether you created goals or not, you had some ideas/intentions about what you wanted to create this year. Honestly answer these three questions:

• What have you accomplished that you intended?
• What have you accomplished above and beyond what you intended?
• What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?

2. Acknowledge yourself for both what you have and have not accomplished. Celebrate consciously – without judgment or criticism – both your successes and your lessons. Celebration can come in many forms – from the larger (a purchase, an event, etc.) to the smaller (some form of self-care gift, a metaphoric pat on the back, etc.).

Part II - Assess where you are now

Do the Wheel of Life assessment to check in on how satisfied you are with each area of your life. Take a few notes on which slices of the pie need focus, consider what you want for yourself and your life, and create some objectives.

Part III - Plan for the future

1. Create concrete SMART goals that include both a clear, concise description of what you want to create/accomplish, as well as a time-frame or “by when” date.

2. Put the goals in your calendar. For those that you intend to accomplish in the nearer term, block out chunks of time in your schedule for you to take action. If you don’t make the time, you won’t achieve the goals very easily.

For a more comprehensive discussion, review my blog post on New Year’s planning. It has a lot of detail on this process of looking back and looking forward, as well as recommendations for how to get the most out of both planning and execution.

Take the time to do this work. You will not only be clearer about the actions you want to take, but will feel more confident knowing that you have a plan for consciously creating the life you want and deserve. And on December 31, you’ll have that much more to celebrate!

Your Job: Before Pulling the Plug…

Recently, I was extensively quoted in the Wall Street Journal, as part of a career Q&A piece by journalist Elizabeth Garone. The discussion was a response to a reader’s question about what she should consider when evaluating whether or not to quit her job. You can of course read the article, but I thought it was worth following up with a blog post that includes my full commentary.

To start, honestly ask yourself some key questions to identify whether you have completely explored your options at your company – in your role, your division, and other areas of the organization.

• What has kept you from advancing in your company/career? How much is you and how much is them?
• Have you talked with your manager to fully evaluate your development and career track?
• Have you done the leg work by researching open and upcoming job opportunities internally?
• Are there any individuals whom have a role you’d like to grow into, and would they be willing to mentor you?

While there are companies and managers that are great people developers, you cannot assume they will take care of your wants and needs. It is your responsibility to take control of managing your career. Only after you’ve fully exhausted these routes, it’s time to do some soul searching.

First, look within and at your life to determine if it’s truly your current situation that is causing your dissatisfaction, or if there might be other non-work areas affecting your level of engagement and fulfillment. Take the Wheel of Life assessment to get clear.

Next, get specific about what you like and don’t like about your current situation. What values do you need satisfied to be happy? What you want to be/do/have in your career moving forward? Where do you envision yourself over the next 5, 10, 20 years, and how might you achieve that?

Be sure to have conversations with people in your network. Talk to friends and family, a mentor, a coach, or counselor. Investigate what opportunities exist and consider making a strategic move. In this day, leveraging your relationships is the only way to land a new gig. Keep in mind that people are more often than not willing to help. It makes them feel good, and it’s good karma.

Finally, remember one thing: wherever you go, there you are. Changing companies or roles may not be enough to make you happy. If you want to explore another kind of work, it may be wise to stay put for a time while you evaluate next steps. Do the deep work to explore you, so you can get clear before you pull the plug.

Choosing Your Experience

You have a say in how you experience life. You have the power to choose at every moment who you want to be and what actions you want to take. I have written a lot about setting intentions as an access point to being present, and of the importance of choosing versus reacting. It requires understanding and paying attention to who you are, what’s important to you, and what you want, so that you can make choices that are reflective of these factors.

The ability to choose your experience is not out of reach. But you need to be clear about what you want your experience to be, set intentions, and commit to your part in making it happen… at least for you. When embarking on any endeavor or experience (a conversation, an event, a trip, a new job), ask yourself these questions:

• What do I want this experience to be?
• Who do I need to be for that to happen?

For example, let’s say you are visiting family for the holidays. While you have no control over others, you do have the ability to set an intention for the kind of experience you want to have and choose how you will interact and respond. If you say you want the event to be joyful, loving, and drama-free, who and what are you bringing to the table?

Who you may need to be for this to be your experience is patient, kind and generous with your words and deeds. It may require that you let go of any resentments you hold. It may take being bigger than the patterns you typically fall into when around your family.

It takes practice to be more conscious than not, to choose versus react. You won’t be perfect. You may get triggered. You may forget about your intention and your commitment to yourself. But you have access to it any time: You can remind yourself of the experience you want to have and your part in it. You can choose for the 100th time to let go of resentment and find your generous self in the moment. You can take a risk and do something different than you normally do to bring fun to the experience. But you have to keep practicing.

It’s surprising how effective these two question are. At the outset of an experience, if you earnestly and authentically set your intentions for the experience and yourself, you will find that it is more likely to go that way.

Even if you only remember it intermittently, or forget altogether, your intentions have greater power than you realize. You are more likely to take particular actions and show up a little differently than if you go in blindly. Others may actually alter how they are being as a result of who you are being. And at very least, when you finally do remember your intentions – even if only after the experience is over – you have useful material for self-reflection. The next time you are in a similar situation, you may find yourself more aware and better able to choose.