Allowing the River to Carry You

There is an art to the act of surrender.  It requires a belief that all will work out for the best (successes and lessons), and having trust and faith in ourselves, others, and/or something larger than us.  This is no simple feat, yet it can be much easier than we make it if we “allow” it to be.

I am a master of scenario planning.  When faced with a decision, challenge, or even a possible situation, I identify and examine all the potential outcomes I can imagine.  With that, I work backward and distinguish the issues that might arise, the resources I have and may require, and what choices I will need to make – all the way up to the immediate moment.

While this might sound like intelligent strategizing and preparation, it can be maddening and a source of worry and stress.  Particularly when these scenarios are only possibilities, or when I only have limited information.  I can put myself on a hamster wheel, turning the thoughts over and over looking for holes and missing pieces to the potential outcomes and courses of action.  I recognize that while there are unknowns, I can make some reasonable assumptions and plan accordingly. 

This vigilance (or hyper-vigilance) is useful to a point, but it is also detrimental.  It takes away from being present and fully able to objectively see all points as they arise.  If our minds are directed toward a particular course, set of criteria, or potential warning signs and triggers, we are more likely to see only that.  There is a need for certainty and a sense of control, attempting to be adequately prepared for most any situation. 

However, there needs to be a balance.  The motto of the US Coast Guard has always resonated with me – semper paratus (“always ready”) -- and I have lived much of my life by that.  However, as I’ve witnessed all the stress and worry I inflict upon myself over the years, I am finding it equally important to cultivate this idea of “surrender.”  Let me share a metaphor that helps me visualize this act of “letting go.”

Imagine yourself in a small canoe on a wide, powerful river.  You have a pair of oars and are paddling madly, attempting to direct yourself upstream.  You are struggling and sweating to row against the current, fighting to move in the opposite course from where the river is taking you.  You suffer and stress for fear of what’s around the bend and are doing your best to resist, defend, and survive.

Now imagine that this river is life, a journey, and your situation.  That there will be many twists and turns ahead that you can’t quite see, but the river is your friend.  Any waterfall or jagged rocks you meet are there for you to navigate around and through, and you get greater experience and wisdom with each encounter.  You and your little canoe are safe, and  you can trust it will be a wild ride that can be fun if you let it be.  But also know this: the river is going to take you there whether you like it or not.  You can struggle and suffer and fight the current, or you can take a different tack. 

Take a deep breath, mustering the strength and courage to have faith and trust in you and life.  Picture yourself pulling your oars into your canoe, surrendering and allowing the river to carry you, whatever may come.  This does not mean that you can’t consider the “what ifs” and potential scenarios and make some preparations (steering the canoe with your oars).  But it will allow you to let go, relax, and pay greater attention to the scenery as its occurring.  Calm and focus will better allow you to effectively respond to whatever arises than you having your head down with your arms frantically paddling against a powerful force.

I might say carpe diem (“seize the day”) as a Latin companion to semper paratus, recognizing that there is a balance between being prepared for the unforeseen future, while drinking in the now and relishing its fragrant bouquet.  However, I think I’d prefer to close with a quote from the 1986 film character, Ferris Bueller: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  If you keep focus on fighting the current, you’ll miss out on not only life, but the many signs along the way that can help you navigate your journey.

Following the Breadcrumbs

You may be great at making plans and tackling goals, but what do you do when you are not really sure what you want to be/do/have or how to get there? Perhaps you know the specifics (or have a general picture) but have simply never pursued it before so don’t know the necessary actions. Or maybe it’s even vaguer than that: “I know I want something different, but I’m not even sure what that something is!”

Lately, I’ve found myself talking a lot about this with clients that have a sense that they want something, whether their idea is crystal clear or totally vague, and are needing guidance on what steps to take to reach their objective. If it’s something that we know how to do, we can create a plan and set up baby steps for getting to that goal. However, when we don’t know the steps or we don’t know whether this is the “right” or “best” goal, we have to take a more indirect path.

I have been saying that we need to “follow the breadcrumbs.” In other words, we have to take one step, see what insight is gained, then make a choice on what next step to take, and repeat. It takes faith and trust that the path will be revealed to us as we move toward the desire. If the pursuit is rooted in core values and what’s important to us (take the Wheel of Life assessment and look at Results section), the end result of this journey will be worth the effort. We also have to relinquish an attachment to it looking a certain way, so there is freedom and space for it to show up just as it’s meant to – and it will be perfect, just as it is.

Using “change in work” as an example, here are the broad stroke steps to take in this process of “following the breadcrumbs”:

• Step 1. Identify Desire – State as much as you know right now. If it’s clear that you want a new job but not sure what area to pursue, that’s okay, just say that. If you are not feeling stimulated in your day-to-day and you want to feel excited about what you’re doing, then say that. Be as clear as you can.
• Step 2. Paint a Picture – Again, this is about getting as specific as possible. Outline as much detail as you can so that you at very least can narrow down your “search parameters.” If you want that new job, is it in a particular sector? Do you want it to be as an independent or working for a small/medium/large company? Are there any particular characteristics that you must have or do not want? If it’s the general “needing stimulation” desire, would you be open to keeping your job as is and finding stimulation in your outside activities? If you were to find what you were looking for, what would it feel like to be doing it and what would your ideal day or week look like? Be as specific as you can.
• Step 3. List Your Resources – Make a comprehensive list of everyone and everything you know that may be of use to you finding out what you are looking for. Who do you know in the areas you are interested in pursuing? What websites exist? What companies may fit your profile? Who has an experience of work that is passionate about what they do and would they be willing to talk with you? Identify potential informational interviews, articles and books worth reading, and people who might be able to shed some insight. Brainstorm ideas with others and don’t be afraid to ask for help, so you can leverage all your resources (and even others’ resources).
• Step 4. Pick a First Step and Take It – With an eye on getting clarity around what work might be a good fit for what you are looking for, identify one step to take to help you get clear… and take it. Send a few emails out to friends and colleagues asking for assistance – whether that’s a general request for information, a chance to talk about their experience, or even a contact of someone they believe you should be talking to. People are usually pretty willing to help, and they often feel good doing it (a gift to you both). Start reading a book or digging into a particular subject area on the web. Suck in as much information as you need for now.
• Step 5. Follow the Breadcrumbs – With each new bit of information, you are hopefully getting a little clearer about what you want and don’t want. Meet that person for coffee and pick their brains, jot down your notes as you read your book/websites, talk with friends about what you are trying to achieve and interview them for suggestions on what they see for you (or suggestions they may have).
• Step 6A. Repeat Steps 1-5 Until Clear – Now that you have more information, go back to step 1 and cycle back through the 5 steps. What do you desire now? Paint the picture, revise your list of resources, and take another “first step” to follow that next breadcrumb. It may seem labor intensive, and may take a few cycles through the process over days, weeks, or months depending on the complexity of the desire or the depth of “confusion” about what you want or where to go. But, clarity does come if you invest the time, energy, and desire in your pursuit.
• Step 6B. Stop and Go – If after step 5, you know what you want and how to get it, stop the evaluation process. Now it’s time to create a plan by setting up the targets, milestones, and action steps to attain it… and pushing ahead toward your goal/desire.

Yes, this whole process is vague. But it’s a step forward. What you will find is your intention to gain clarity will actually drive momentum, and attract to you so many surprising “coincidences” and “serendipitous” experiences. It’s shocking. And it can even be fun if you let it be, and are willing to release the need for it to look or turn out a certain way.

One word of caution: Guard against analysis/paralysis and perfectionism – particularly if you have a fear of taking steps before all your ducks are in a row. Pull the trigger – you have more than one bullet. Pull it again and again with the idea that it will eventually hit something and provide you with some good information/insight.

Finally, remind yourself repeatedly that this is supposed to be abstract, that “confusion” is part of the process, and it takes time. Strive for patience, and allow curiosity to drive you. You’ll likely feel less frustrated and may open yourself up to a whole new view of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Self-Care: Pause and Refuel

When you don’t focus on making self-ishness a priority, you run the risk of burning yourself out. You experience greater anxiety and stress, are less productive and effective, and are more prone to health issues. By taking some time every day that feeds your body, mind, heart, or spirit, you are not only giving yourself the sustenance to keep going, but are respecting and honoring YOU as someone who deserves attention and nurturing.

It all starts with making your well-being the first priority – before anyone else. If you don’t fill your goblet first, you won’t have much left over to give to others. Healthy doses of stress (eustress) are a normal part of life, and help us to push ahead with impact and velocity. However, when we experience high intensity and long durations of stress (distress), our physiology moves into a “fight or flight” mode. Over prolonged periods, our physical and mental health deteriorates, and our heart and spirit scream for relief.

To drive this point home, take a moment to consider yourself in the following situations and pay close attention to how you feel. Take note of your breathing, your posture and facial expressions, and the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.

• Driving your car in rush hour
• Getting a last minute work assignment
• Misplacing something in the house
• Having something break while you're using it
• Dealing with incompetence at work
• Planning your budget
• Being blamed for something
• Waiting in a long line at the grocery store

Did you notice yourself tensing, getting irritated, or even saying, “That drives me crazy when that happens!”? When we are not practicing self-care, we are more prone to over-reacting versus taking a step back, breathing, and practicing patience. If you actively find time to reduce “distress,” you will feel less inclined to jump to hyper-emotional reactions. You will find yourself more able to choose responses that best serve you and the people around you.

You don’t need a lot of time to practice self-care. It can range from taking some deep breaths in the midst of stressful situations, to stepping away from your desk for a 10 minute break to re-center yourself, to carving out an hour or two to do something creative, relaxing, or even invigorating like a long run.

Here are some examples of self-care. They are broken down into categories, but any of these suggestions would affect all areas of body, mind, heart, and spirit.

BODY

• Take a walk
• Get some exercise or take a yoga class
• Soak in the bathtub
• Sit in the sun for 15 minutes
• Take a nap or go to bed early
• Get out into nature
• Make one improvement in your diet
• Get a massage
• Drink lots of water throughout the day

MIND

• Say an affirmation
• Read (or listen to) a book for pleasure
• Write a letter or email to a friend
• Make a list of your short- and long-term goals
• Sign up for a class
• Do some journaling
• Write a short story or poem
• Plan your day in the morning, and review at bedtime
• Hire a coach to help you make self-improvements
  

HEART

• Listen to music you love
• Do something creative - take pictures, paint/draw, be musical
  
• Play with your child or pet – or play by yourself (operative word: play)
  
• Have a heart-to-heart conversation with a close friend
• Hug someone or ask for a hug
• Acknowledge yourself for accomplishments you’re proud of
• Feel your fear and take an action anyway (the definition of “courage”)
• Write a letter to someone who has hurt you, and don’t send it

SPIRIT

• Visualize yourself in a peaceful place
• Do something of service for another
• Connect with Nature
• Meditate
• Pray or go to spiritual services
• Practice daily quiet time (in whatever form)
• Practice daily gratitude (name 5 things you’re grateful for when you wake or retire)
• Learn about a religion or spiritual practice different from your own
• Give a gift to someone anonymously

Practicing self-care is well worth the time, energy, and effort. You'll be more present, happier, healthier, and ultimately more effective in all that you do.

Practicing “Being” –- Access to the Present Moment

Practicing intentionality is not only crucial to success, but to being present – in life, with people, in your skin. It is important to ask yourself who you want to be in in the moment, so that you are in a position to choose, rather than just reacting, to what is coming into your experience. In the blog entry on setting intentions, I give an example of how you may apply that to individual situations. Here's a way to extend that to a daily practice.

Every morning, I set out with an intention of who I want to focus on being for that day. For example, I recently chose “being patience” (not just “patient”) as my focus. I thought about the word and what it means – both as an action and as a concept. I practiced by trying to consciously apply “being patience” to everything that came my way – choosing my response rather than simply reacting unconsciously. I don’t make it heavy and serious; rather, I like to have fun with it and see how creative I can be in applying it.

This is how “being patience” looked that day. I asked myself repeatedly, “How can I bring patience (or be patience) in this situation?” Here are a few examples of how I applied it:

• Shaving – Being patience with the process (one I don't enjoy) so that I didn’t nick myself
• Gym – Being patience with my own limitations and slow progress so that I could refocus on my commitment to health
  
• Phone Call – Being patience with a customer service rep so I could keep calm and create a more positive outcome
• Email – Being patience with the amount of time and focus it took to read and respond thoughtfully
• Client Meeting – Being patience as a model for my client, and exploring ways he could apply it himself
• Myself – Being patience with myself for becoming impatient or not remembering to “be patience” in situations where it would have been useful!

I’m not 100 percent. However, the more I practice, the more often I’m able to apply it throughout the day. It’s not only about practicing the “being” itself, but also about practicing being present enough to be able to choose – moment by moment, situation by situation. Some others I’ve played with are being gratitude, abundance, joyful, playful, passionate…and the list goes on.

How might you impact your experience if you remembered to practice "being" a couple of times (twice is more than zero) throughout the day? It would totally shift your interactions, your ability to be present, and perhaps even how you view yourself.

Setting Intentions: Choosing Versus Reacting

I am huge on choice, as anyone who has worked with me knows. I believe that it is important to slow the do-do-do action down and look at what we are doing and why. When we are present and paying attention, we are better able to make a choice in the moment that is in closer alignment with what’s important to us. Or not. In either case, it is important to notice when we are choosing (consciously) or reacting (unconsciously). While you won’t ever really have control over the world around you, you do have the ability to control how you choose to respond to any given situation… with practice.

Setting intentions, without being attached to the outcome, puts you in a position to consciously choose who you are going to be and what actions you are going to take. Further, you are more likely to achieve whatever it is you are setting out to do with clarity and focus.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Who do I want to be in this situation?
2. What actions am I willing to take to help this be a win-win for everyone involved?
3. If there is to be an ideal outcome, what would it look like?
4. Am I attached to the outcome? If so, how might I let that attachment go?

An Example:

When I am faced with calling someone to have a difficult conversation, I write down my intentions before I pick up the phone. I put down a few bullet points of what I want to discuss to keep me focused. I write who I want to be in the conversation, such as: generosity, honesty, patience, or listening – depending on what’s needed for this particular situation. And I create a vision in my mind of what an ideal outcome would look like (i.e., we both walk away feeling respected and honored, we have a new opening in our communication, etc.).

I also let go of my attachment to that outcome, so I can be present and open to the conversation going wherever it needs to go. I keep that sheet in front of me so that I can continually bring myself back to my intentions and commitment to who I want to be.

This works for all sorts of situations – not just difficult ones. I set intentions for who I want to be before I have a meeting with someone, give a presentation to a group, go on a date (with caution!), and even when traveling to visit family or friends.

Give it a try. Rather than just reacting with a knee-jerk, you’ll find yourself consciously choosing what you want to create and how you want to respond. If you take the time to practice being clear, present, and intentional, you may just turn an exercise into a habit that can serve you well throughout your life.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." ~Aristotle

Staying with the Question

Human beings tend to be very impatient. We take a look at an issue and want to jump straight to the solution or answer – especially when it comes to our personal lives – to minimize the pain and difficulty as much as we can. However, as many of us have noticed, these often don’t provide adequate resolution, because we didn’t stick long enough with the analysis phase to really get to the core of what is going on.

There is an approach from design thinking that focuses on questioning the question – taking a look at all sides, and even pondering whether we are asking the right question to begin with. By staying with the question, we open up space for innovation, reflection, and even for the answers to reveal themselves serendipitously (Einstein, among many others, have done this).

I was talking with a friend today about some significant life events and issues that we have in common. I tend to be rational and logical up-front, and have to allow some time to allow the emotions to process themselves out; in contrast, she tends to have a much more emotional response up-front, and must allow her mind to process and discover the connections over time.

As uncomfortable as it can be at times, we both know from experience that there is value in sitting in ambiguity for some time to allow for the whole picture (both internal and external) to reveal itself. If we rush too quickly to a resolution, we will most definitely have to revisit the issues over and over until we identify and deal with the many facets (mental, emotional, relational, practical, tactical, etc.) we probably glossed over.

This concept reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from Postcards from the Edge, the movie based on the Carrie Fisher novel about her and her mother, Debbie Reynolds. The scene involves Gene Hackman (playing a film director, Lowell) and Meryl Streep (playing Suzanne, an actress dealing with some tough life questions).

Lowell: Growing up isn't like in a movie where you have a realization and life changes. In life, you have a realization and your life changes a month or so later.

Suzanne: [sarcastically] So I just have to wait a month?

Lowell: It depends on the realization. Some of them you only wait a couple weeks.

Stay with the question. Don’t rush straight to easy and quick answers, as you are doing yourself a disservice. While we all want solutions and resolution right NOW, it is the question that holds much of the power. The process can be just as, if not more important than the result (a related blog entry HERE).

Offer it up to the universe; open your eyes, heart, and mind; and pay attention. Pray, journal, talk to friends, give yourself permission to be okay with the confusion and ambiguity, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. All the components of the multi-dimensional answer will reveal themselves when you allow space for them to show up.