Judah Buddha

Reflect, Celebrate, Create Anew

2011-12-30T10:37:00.001-06:00

2011 has been quite a year – for everyone I know. It has been challenging on every front, but has also been a year in which we have learned a great deal about ourselves, and our wants and needs. And there has been a large string of wins.

We can get so caught up in the go-go-go of the holiday season, and the pressure that comes with “wrapping up,” we forget to take the time to authentically pause (not just rest) and reflect on all the successes and lessons we have experienced.

REFLECT

Every year, I do the comprehensive "Looking Back, Looking Forward (LBLF) exercise". And 2011/2012 will be no different. Rather than rehashing it for you, I’ll let you click over there yourself and run through it. Instead, I want to focus on some key points.

Of course, reflect on the year and consider these questions:

What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?

However, I want emphasize the many lessons you’ve had. In the face of challenge, you either meet them head on, avoid them and deal with the consequences, or suffer through the experiences. In any case, you always come out the other side having grown in some way. For each instance, I invite you to focus on:

What actually occurred
What you did to address the issues (or not)
Who you were (or not) that brought you success (or not)
Who/what you choose to be/do going forward

Reflect on what you did and did not do, but take the time to identify what you learned. If you are not yet clear, reflect on that and come to some understanding so that you can acknowledge your strength, perseverance, and capacity for handling the many bumps that life presents to you along your journey.

CELEBRATE

It took something for you to push through, to walk through the fire, to come to some new realizations about who you are and what you want/need. Celebrate that. Even if the outcome was not what you were hoping or expected, remember that these experiences were custom created by and for you so that you can learn some important aspects about yourself and life that are essential for your future.

Learning and growth are important, so don’t forget to celebrate this. And of course, don’t skirt over the many accomplishments and successes you’ve had over the year – no matter how big or small. Each are wins, and it is essential that we give ourselves credit and snaps for every step that got us there. They are not just items you are ticking off your “to do” lists.

CREATE ANEW

Be sure to do the LBLF exercise now. Don’t put it off, as you want to start the new year off with clarity and power. Leave 2011 in 2011, and design your 2012. This is not a series of New Year’s resolutions, as I don’t believe in fixing and correcting. Rather, I believe in creation and commitment based on your core values, your heart’s desire, and what you know you want for yourself and your life moving forward.

Again, this is about what you want to be/do/have in the coming year. This is also about what you want to learn. Just like creating a development plan at work, consider what you want to focus on in your own life and put some SMART goals in place so that you can make them happen.

Clearly, life will throw new experiences at you and you will need to allow the river to carry you where it will, but you will find that if you place some emphasis on growth and development as a goal, it will be less stinging when something unexpected shows up. You can say to yourself, “Ah, here’s an opportunity for me to expand who I know myself to be,” and look for where you can bring the very best of you to the table.

One final thing I like to do is create some themes for myself for the year – in other words, setting some specific intentions. For 2011, I created three key themes that I defined at the end of 2010:

Phoenix – completion à rebirth à growth à expansion
Opening of self to other realms of thought, heart, and spirit
Abundance and freedom

Because I set those intentions, I am able to see that is exactly how 2011 went down. It puts it all into a context I remind myself of – both as I went through the year and as I wrap up 2011. I am formulating my 2012 themes as we speak, but I know they will include digging deeper, expanding capacity, and building.

As you consider your 2011/2012, remember to return to your core by defining/honoring your values, incorporating both successes and lessons, and celebrating how beautiful your life is/has been. You made it happen. And will continue to do so, whether you do the LBLF exercise or not. However, the more clear and intentional you are, the richer the experiences in 2012 will be.

Allowing the River to Carry You

2011-11-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

There is an art to the act of surrender. It requires a belief that all will work outfor the best (successes and lessons), and having trust and faith in ourselves,others, and/or something larger than us. This is no simple feat, yet it can be much easier than we make it if we “allow”it to be.

I am a master of scenario planning. When faced with a decision, challenge, oreven a possible situation, I identify and examine all the potential outcomes Ican imagine. With that, I work backwardand distinguish the issues that might arise, the resources I have and mayrequire, and what choices I will need to make – all the way up to the immediatemoment.

While this might sound like intelligent strategizing andpreparation, it can be maddening and a source of worry and stress. Particularly when these scenarios are onlypossibilities, or when I only have limited information. I can put myself on a hamster wheel, turningthe thoughts over and over looking for holes and missing pieces to thepotential outcomes and courses of action. I recognize that while there are unknowns, I can make some reasonableassumptions and plan accordingly.

This vigilance (or hyper-vigilance) is useful to a point,but it is also detrimental. It takesaway from being present and fully able to objectively see all points as theyarise. If our minds are directed towarda particular course, set of criteria, or potential warning signs and triggers,we are more likely to see only that. There is a need for certainty and a sense ofcontrol, attempting to be adequately prepared for most any situation.

However, there needs to be a balance. The motto of the US Coast Guard has alwaysresonated with me – semper paratus (“always ready”) -- and I have lived much ofmy life by that. However, as I’ve witnessedall the stress and worry I inflict upon myself over the years, I am finding itequally important to cultivate this idea of “surrender.” Let me share a metaphor that helps mevisualize this act of “letting go.”

Imagine yourself in a small canoe on a wide, powerfulriver. You have a pair of oars and are paddlingmadly, attempting to direct yourself upstream. You are struggling and sweating to row against the current, fighting to movein the opposite course from where the river is taking you. You suffer and stress for fear of what’saround the bend and are doing your best to resist, defend, and survive.

Now imagine that this river is life, a journey, and yoursituation. That there will be manytwists and turns ahead that you can’t quite see, but the river is your friend. Any waterfall or jagged rocks you meet arethere for you to navigate around and through, and you get greater experienceand wisdom with each encounter. You andyour little canoe are safe, and you can trust it will be a wild ridethat can be fun if you let it be. Butalso know this: the river is going to take you there whether you like it ornot. You can struggle and suffer and fightthe current, or you can take a different tack.

Take a deep breath, mustering the strength and courage tohave faith and trust in you and life. Pictureyourself pulling your oars into your canoe, surrendering and allowing the riverto carry you, whatever may come. Thisdoes not mean that you can’t consider the “what ifs” and potential scenariosand make some preparations (steering the canoe with your oars). But it will allow you to let go, relax, andpay greater attention to the scenery as its occurring. Calm and focus will better allow you to effectivelyrespond to whatever arises than you having your head down with your arms franticallypaddling against a powerful force.

I might say carpe diem (“seize the day”) as a Latin companionto semper paratus, recognizing that there is a balance between being preparedfor the unforeseen future, while drinking in the now and relishing its fragrantbouquet. However, I think I’d prefer toclose with a quote from the 1986 film character, Ferris Bueller: “Lifemoves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you couldmiss it.” If you keep focus on fightingthe current, you’ll miss out on not only life, but the many signs along the waythat can help you navigate your journey.

Life’s Challenges Expand Your Capacity

2011-10-31T10:32:00.000-05:00

Life will throw a lot at you, sometimes more than you believe you can handle. However, it’s an interesting journey to discover how much capacity you actually have to manage and push through the challenges that cross your path. Walking through the fire is hard, but trying to walk around it is ultimately harder (and more time/energy consuming).

When we are faced with challenges in life, it is our opportunity to pay attention. Whether we choose to look, listen, and continue to ask the questions is up to us. We are presented with opportunities to either play victim and bemoan our fate or to learn how our choices impact our experience.

We ultimately create the situations in which we find ourselves. At times, we can feel like life is being done TO us, that we are a victim of the world “out there” and of our circumstances. The truth is: life is being done BY us. We make a series of choices that lead us to this point -- both internally and externally -- when we choose a certain perspective or course of action.

I have said before in another post: you are exactly where you are supposed to be because that is where you are. Consider what you are meant to be learning right now. Take an objective look and evaluate how and where you may be the source of your suffering or situation, and what actions (or non-actions) brought you here. What are you discovering about yourself, your values, your desires and passions, and what you do and don’t want in your life? What is important to you and where do you want to go next?

If you are unclear, start paying attention to the breadcrumbs and follow those until you get find greater clarity. If you know where you want to be/go, take some baby steps to allow you to inch your way little by little toward your objectives. The key thing is to get clear, make some choices that are in alignment with who you are and want you want to be/do/have, and take consistent action (no matter how small).

The final piece is to cultivate gratitude for these experiences, these opportunities. They are being delivered to you for a reason, and it is up to you to make the most of them so you can push forward powerfully into the next chapters of your life. Say thank you, even if you feel frustrated or discouraged, and allow yourself to surrender to the larger forces at play. Surrender does not imply giving up. Rather it is about letting go of fighting the current, and allowing the water to carry you.

Through this process of living life, we discover that the Universe/God/Life gives you only as much as you can handle. By observing, releasing the garbage that we put in our own way, and cultivating some faith in ourselves and something bigger than us, we realize that our capacity is much larger than we ever knew. Look back 10 years ago and you’ll likely see how far you’ve come. And 10 years from now, you will reflect on this time and recognize how important it was for your journey and development.

In Your Mind’s Eye: Positive and Negative Thought

2011-08-31T07:14:00.000-05:00

We live in a world where resources seem scarce, where time and money (and the list goes on) appear to be the reasons why we can or cannot be/do/have what we want. We crave, we plan, we strive, and we sometimes get it and sometimes we don’t. Or at least that is how it appears. The reality is: we more often than not get what we place our attention on. If we freely dream without attachment, somehow it makes it to our doorsteps. When we focus on all the reasons why it’s not possible, or on all the things in our way, we often run into exactly that – all the constraints, and challenges.

This is an old idea, borrowed from the en vogue conversation about Law of Attraction, which loosely states that “like attracts like.” What is meant by this is our positive thinking manifests positive physical results, and our negative thoughts attract its likeness, namely impediments and negative outcomes.

This is a great concept, but it’s not as clear cut as the idea implies on the surface. We don’t usually think in individual positive and negative thoughts separately, but think of them concurrently. We may wish for something (positive), but at the same time think of all the perceived reasons, past history and experiences, and problems (negative) that stand in our way from having it. So, these two battle themselves out, with the negative thoughts usually being much stronger than the positive ones – winning the argument and ultimately resulting in struggle and/or negative results.

Some Examples

Romance
Perceived positive desire: “I want to be in a romantic relationship.”
Contrasting negative thoughts: “I have not had luck with this, and I can’t seem to ever meet anyone worth being with…I try and fail and this is going to happen again…Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always meet jerks?” And on and on…
Result: The negative thought is really strong and you end up meeting people that are not a match, or struggle to meet anyone at all, or worse, you never put yourself out there to begin with… resulting in no relationship.
Money
Perceived positive desire: “I need money so I will no longer struggle to survive.”
Contrasting negative thoughts: The thought above has both a positive desire and negative thought combined.
Result: This thought is coming from a place of lack and poverty, not from a place of strength, abundance, and a wealthy state of mind. So, what you attract is more of the same.

These are just a couple of simplistic examples, but you can likely see how these may show up for you in a variety of forms. And they can be applied to career, health, relationships, and anything else that you may want in your life.

Now What?

What is needed is an opportunity to get into your mind’s eye, into the heart of the desire, and to give yourself permission to think freely about what you want. To dream, to let go of attachment to the end result, and to hand it over to God/Universe/Whatever to align you with your desire. And key to this is to get out of your own way by resisting thoughts about all the impossibilities and historical “failures.” I know that sounds really “woo-woo” and New Age-y, and that’s okay. What you have been doing up to this point has had limited success, so it may be worth a try.

Suggested Path

State it. Formulate your desire into a highly positive form that feels good to you. Resist “need” or “fix-it” language. The more specific the better. For example, “I want a loving romantic partnership” or “I have more money than I know what to do with.” Pretty inspiring right?
Dream it. Think freely about all aspects of having that desire fulfilled. DO NOT think about the “how” or any of the reasons why it’s not possible or can’t happen. Give yourself permission to imagine yourself standing in that place of being/doing/having whatever you are wanting as if it existed NOW. Imagine that partnership, and how you feel, what you are doing together, what your life looks like. Imagine having a full bank account and no needs unmet. The richer the picture, the better. Collage it, write it out, brainstorm with a friend, fantasize.
Play Nice. This is the hard part: manage your inner critic (the liar!). Resist the urge to cut it down to something more “realistic,” as well as to cut yourself down with statements like “I don’t deserve it” or “I won’t ever get that!” Just keep focused on your statement and on your dream.
Leave it Alone. For a time, don’t go to the “how” or to “doing” unless something shows up that feels like a natural action. If it’s useful to you, give yourself a time frame for it, like: I will focus on my positive desire for a month without focusing on “how,” then do that.
Pay Attention. As you keep focused on your desire, you will see things popping up, both positive and negative that reinforce or detract from the possibility of what you want. Just notice them and let them go. If the positive ones feel worth investigating (like: your friend invites you to a networking event), go for it. If the negative thoughts draw you in (like: “my credit card debt is out of control”), notice what they are about and see if there is something you need to address. Sometimes the perceived negative thoughts are your path to positive results. Otherwise, follow step #3 when it comes to the negative.
Follow the Breadcrumbs. When you are ready to take action, read this post to push forward.
Be Open. Lastly, don’t be attached to the final outcome. It may not look like you originally intended, but it will be necessary for your journey. And you will learn more about yourself in the process.

What you put out there is what you get in return. Focus on the positive, and manage the negative, to be/do/have what you want in your life. It sounds simplistic, and it really is if you can get out of your own way.

Redux: It's Time for Your Mid-Year Review

2011-07-31T10:01:00.001-05:00

We just passed the mid-year mark for 2011. How is 2011 going? Are you where you’d like to be? It’s time to go back and review your goals for the year and celebrate what you’ve accomplished, revise as needed, and create some new ones. If you don’t have a 2011 plan, this is as good a time as any to design a road map for where you’d like this next six months to go.

This is a fairly quick, easy process. Here is a step-by-step guide for getting yourself on track for the second half of the year:

Part I - Put the past behind you and celebrate

1. Reflect on the first half of the year. Whether you created goals or not, you had some ideas/intentions about what you wanted to create this year. Honestly answer these three questions:
What have you accomplished that you intended?
What have you accomplished above and beyond what you intended?
What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
2. Acknowledge yourself for both what you have and have not accomplished. Celebrate consciously – without judgment or criticism – both your successes and your lessons. Celebration can come in many forms – from the larger (a purchase, an event, etc.) to the smaller (some form of self-care gift, a metaphoric pat on the back, etc.).

Part II - Assess where you are now

Do the Wheel of Life assessment to check in on how satisfied you are with each area of your life. Take a few notes on which slices of the pie need focus, consider what you want for yourself and your life, and create some objectives.

Part III - Plan for the future

1. Create concrete SMART goals that include both a clear, concise description of what you want to create/accomplish, as well as a time-frame or “by when” date.

2. Put the goals in your calendar. For those that you intend to accomplish in the nearer term, block out chunks of time in your schedule for you to take action. If you don’t make the time, you won’t achieve the goals very easily.

For a more comprehensive discussion, review my blog post on New Year’s planning. It has a lot of detail on this process of looking back and looking forward, as well as recommendations for how to get the most out of both planning and execution.

Take the time to do this work. You will not only be clearer about the actions you want to take, but will feel more confident knowing that you have a plan for consciously creating the life you want and deserve. And on December 31, you’ll have that much more to celebrate!

Your Job: Before Pulling the Plug…

2011-06-30T11:26:00.001-05:00

Recently, I was extensively quoted in the Wall Street Journal, as part of a career Q&A piece by journalist Elizabeth Garone. The discussion was a response to a reader’s question about what she should consider when evaluating whether or not to quit her job. You can of course read the article, but I thought it was worth following up with a blog post that includes my full commentary.

To start, honestly ask yourself some key questions to identify whether you have completely explored your options at your company – in your role, your division, and other areas of the organization.

What has kept you from advancing in your company/career? How much is you and how much is them?
Have you talked with your manager to fully evaluate your development and career track?
Have you done the leg work by researching open and upcoming job opportunities internally?
Are there any individuals whom have a role you’d like to grow into, and would they be willing to mentor you?

While there are companies and managers that are great people developers, you cannot assume they will take care of your wants and needs. It is your responsibility to take control of managing your career. Only after you’ve fully exhausted these routes, it’s time to do some soul searching.

First, look within and at your life to determine if it’s truly your current situation that is causing your dissatisfaction, or if there might be other non-work areas affecting your level of engagement and fulfillment. Take the Wheel of Life assessment to get clear.

Next, get specific about what you like and don’t like about your current situation. What values do you need satisfied to be happy? What you want to be/do/have in your career moving forward? Where do you envision yourself over the next 5, 10, 20 years, and how might you achieve that?

Be sure to have conversations with people in your network. Talk to friends and family, a mentor, a coach, or counselor. Investigate what opportunities exist and consider making a strategic move. In this day, leveraging your relationships is the only way to land a new gig. Keep in mind that people are more often than not willing to help. It makes them feel good, and it’s good karma.

Finally, remember one thing: wherever you go, there you are. Changing companies or roles may not be enough to make you happy. If you want to explore another kind of work, it may be wise to stay put for a time while you evaluate next steps. Do the deep work to explore you, so you can get clear before you pull the plug.

Choosing Your Experience

2011-05-31T08:34:00.000-05:00

You have a say in how you experience life. You have the power to choose at every moment who you want to be and what actions you want to take. I have written a lot about setting intentions as an access point to being present, and of the importance of choosing versus reacting. It requires understanding and paying attention to who you are, what’s important to you, and what you want, so that you can make choices that are reflective of these factors.

The ability to choose your experience is not out of reach. But you need to be clear about what you want your experience to be, set intentions, and commit to your part in making it happen… at least for you. When embarking on any endeavor or experience (a conversation, an event, a trip, a new job), ask yourself these questions:

What do I want this experience to be?
Who do I need to be for that to happen?

For example, let’s say you are visiting family for the holidays. While you have no control over others, you do have the ability to set an intention for the kind of experience you want to have and choose how you will interact and respond. If you say you want the event to be joyful, loving, and drama-free, who and what are you bringing to the table?

Who you may need to be for this to be your experience is patient, kind and generous with your words and deeds. It may require that you let go of any resentments you hold. It may take being bigger than the patterns you typically fall into when around your family.

It takes practice to be more conscious than not, to choose versus react. You won’t be perfect. You may get triggered. You may forget about your intention and your commitment to yourself. But you have access to it any time: You can remind yourself of the experience you want to have and your part in it. You can choose for the 100th time to let go of resentment and find your generous self in the moment. You can take a risk and do something different than you normally do to bring fun to the experience. But you have to keep practicing.

It’s surprising how effective these two question are. At the outset of an experience, if you earnestly and authentically set your intentions for the experience and yourself, you will find that it is more likely to go that way.

Even if you only remember it intermittently, or forget altogether, your intentions have greater power than you realize. You are more likely to take particular actions and show up a little differently than if you go in blindly. Others may actually alter how they are being as a result of who you are being. And at very least, when you finally do remember your intentions – even if only after the experience is over – you have useful material for self-reflection. The next time you are in a similar situation, you may find yourself more aware and better able to choose.

Baby Steps Get You There

2011-04-11T12:30:00.004-05:00

You’ve been “following the breadcrumbs” and are feeling ready to take action toward what you want to be/do/have. Except, a sense of overwhelm sets in as you contemplate what may seem like a massive goal or undertaking, and worry whether you can achieve it.

Making changes in life or tackling big projects can sometimes feel very daunting – especially when juggling a busy schedule, various relationships, and multiple priorities. If approached systematically, however, it does not have to feel like an all-or-nothing situation.

The key thing to remember is: every endeavor is a series of small steps and milestones. Your success is dependent upon having and working a plan, and committing to action by taking "baby steps" with persistence and consistency. Over time, the cumulative effect of those steps build momentum and bring you toward each milestone, and an eventual finish line.

Picking up from step 6B in the Following the Breadcrumbs post, here are instructions on how to create and take those baby steps:

Make Your Plan. SMART goal setting will help you with this, so you can get super clear about what you are trying to achieve. You will be specific, have a way to measure it so you know whether you’ve accomplished your goal, and will have a time-frame established as a “by when.”
Align With Your Core. Reacquaint yourself with the purpose for what you want to create or accomplish by identifying where it aligns (or not) with your values and what’s most important to you. This will serve as a foundation and touchstone to keep you motivated when you feel the desire to delay or quit.
Envision the Desired Outcome. While it’s important to focus more on the journey than the destination, it helps to have a good idea of the direction you are heading. Spend some time getting a clear picture in your mind’s eye of you crossing the finish line, how you will feel, and what life will be like. If it helps, draw it out, collage it, or write a description. Again, it’s a motivator, and a magnet.
Create Milestones. Take that SMART goal, and break it down into markers along your path. Every project or undertaking has smaller achievements along the way. Imagine this as shorter term goals on the way to your larger one. Therefore, the milestones should also follow the SMART goal format.
Create Baby Steps. Take the first milestone and break it down further into smaller, more manageable bite-size chunks. Depending on the objective, these may be “baby steps” you take every day or a few times a week. However, if you find that the steps are extending out more than once every couple of weeks, you probably need to break the steps down into even smaller steps so that there can be frequent forward movement.
Work Your Plan. This is where the rubber meets the road. Do whatever planning will help you, but make sure not to stay here longer than necessary (analysis-paralysis). Take action, and make tweaks to your plan along the way as you learn more about yourself and what is necessary to get to your first and subsequent milestones.

Because these "baby steps" are small, you can sidestep overwhelm. They help you move gradually, while building momentum toward what you want with a sense of accomplishment and pride. You may have some bumps along the way, but it will be up to you to keep an eye on yourself. Be sure you are managing your time and energy effectively (read this post for some tips), plan your procrastination (if you have this tendency), and ask for help if you need it.

The key to success is consistency and persistence, and keeping in touch with your core (step 2) and vision (step 3). Having a motivating context, clear structure, and set of steps will help you stay inspired. You will also feel pulled toward your end goal rather than experiencing it like you are in a constant push toward the finish line.

Following the Breadcrumbs

2011-03-04T10:11:00.003-06:00

You may be great at making plans and tackling goals, but what do you do when you are not really sure what you want to be/do/have or how to get there? Perhaps you know the specifics (or have a general picture) but have simply never pursued it before so don’t know the necessary actions. Or maybe it’s even vaguer than that: “I know I want something different, but I’m not even sure what that something is!”

Lately, I’ve found myself talking a lot about this with clients that have a sense that they want something, whether their idea is crystal clear or totally vague, and are needing guidance on what steps to take to reach their objective. If it’s something that we know how to do, we can create a plan and set up baby steps for getting to that goal. However, when we don’t know the steps or we don’t know whether this is the “right” or “best” goal, we have to take a more indirect path.

I have been saying that we need to “follow the breadcrumbs.” In other words, we have to take one step, see what insight is gained, then make a choice on what next step to take, and repeat. It takes faith and trust that the path will be revealed to us as we move toward the desire. If the pursuit is rooted in core values and what’s important to us (take the Wheel of Life assessment and look at Results section), the end result of this journey will be worth the effort. We also have to relinquish an attachment to it looking a certain way, so there is freedom and space for it to show up just as it’s meant to – and it will be perfect, just as it is.

Using “change in work” as an example, here are the broad stroke steps to take in this process of “following the breadcrumbs”:

Step 1. Identify Desire – State as much as you know right now. If it’s clear that you want a new job but not sure what area to pursue, that’s okay, just say that. If you are not feeling stimulated in your day-to-day and you want to feel excited about what you’re doing, then say that. Be as clear as you can.
Step 2. Paint a Picture – Again, this is about getting as specific as possible. Outline as much detail as you can so that you at very least can narrow down your “search parameters.” If you want that new job, is it in a particular sector? Do you want it to be as an independent or working for a small/medium/large company? Are there any particular characteristics that you must have or do not want? If it’s the general “needing stimulation” desire, would you be open to keeping your job as is and finding stimulation in your outside activities? If you were to find what you were looking for, what would it feel like to be doing it and what would your ideal day or week look like? Be as specific as you can.
Step 3. List Your Resources – Make a comprehensive list of everyone and everything you know that may be of use to you finding out what you are looking for. Who do you know in the areas you are interested in pursuing? What websites exist? What companies may fit your profile? Who has an experience of work that is passionate about what they do and would they be willing to talk with you? Identify potential informational interviews, articles and books worth reading, and people who might be able to shed some insight. Brainstorm ideas with others and don’t be afraid to ask for help, so you can leverage all your resources (and even others’ resources).
Step 4. Pick a First Step and Take It – With an eye on getting clarity around what work might be a good fit for what you are looking for, identify one step to take to help you get clear… and take it. Send a few emails out to friends and colleagues asking for assistance – whether that’s a general request for information, a chance to talk about their experience, or even a contact of someone they believe you should be talking to. People are usually pretty willing to help, and they often feel good doing it (a gift to you both). Start reading a book or digging into a particular subject area on the web. Suck in as much information as you need for now.
Step 5. Follow the Breadcrumbs – With each new bit of information, you are hopefully getting a little clearer about what you want and don’t want. Meet that person for coffee and pick their brains, jot down your notes as you read your book/websites, talk with friends about what you are trying to achieve and interview them for suggestions on what they see for you (or suggestions they may have).
Step 6A. Repeat Steps 1-5 Until Clear – Now that you have more information, go back to step 1 and cycle back through the 5 steps. What do you desire now? Paint the picture, revise your list of resources, and take another “first step” to follow that next breadcrumb. It may seem labor intensive, and may take a few cycles through the process over days, weeks, or months depending on the complexity of the desire or the depth of “confusion” about what you want or where to go. But, clarity does come if you invest the time, energy, and desire in your pursuit.
Step 6B. Stop and Go – If after step 5, you know what you want and how to get it, stop the evaluation process. Now it’s time to create a plan by setting up the targets, milestones, and action steps to attain it… and pushing ahead toward your goal/desire.

Yes, this whole process is vague. But it’s a step forward. What you will find is your intention to gain clarity will actually drive momentum, and attract to you so many surprising “coincidences” and “serendipitous” experiences. It’s shocking. And it can even be fun if you let it be, and are willing to release the need for it to look or turn out a certain way.

One word of caution: Guard against analysis/paralysis and perfectionism – particularly if you have a fear of taking steps before all your ducks are in a row. Pull the trigger – you have more than one bullet. Pull it again and again with the idea that it will eventually hit something and provide you with some good information/insight.

Finally, remind yourself repeatedly that this is supposed to be abstract, that “confusion” is part of the process, and it takes time. Strive for patience, and allow curiosity to drive you. You’ll likely feel less frustrated and may open yourself up to a whole new view of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Key to Effectiveness: Time/Energy Management

2011-02-18T10:36:00.006-06:00

We all know about managing our time, and may be pretty good at it. But are you aware that it is just as if not more important to manage your energy? When you are not focused on how you are committing, expending, and replenishing your energy stores, you are far less effective in all areas of life and work. It’s about being strategic and tactical in how you organize yourself.

To follow is a select list of useful approaches for managing your time and energy. While there are a million and one techniques, here are some of my best practices:

Powerfully Use Your Calendar

Of course, this is the starting point. Regardless of whether you prefer paper or electronic, the important part is to honor your schedule as a declaration of your commitment to yourself and others. Stick to it, but also be flexible enough to adjust your approach as needed.

Take Stock – Do an honest evaluation of how you are really using your time. Just like the budget exercise of writing down every penny you spend to understand your habits, it’s good to track your time for a week or two. Notice what you are doing, when, and how long it generally takes to complete each task. Make adjustments to your scheduling as necessary.
Match Energy to Activities – There are times of day when we are better at specific activities, and it’s important to think about when is best for you. For example, I prefer to do my writing, technical analysis, and tasks requiring the most intense thought first thing in the morning. While I can certainly do them later, I like to tackle them while I’m fresh and less distracted. I schedule exercise in the afternoon around lunch hour when I need a break and can use an energy boost.
Plan Your Week – Taking time to think about your week before it begins better sets you up for success. Sunday evening is great for this because it allows you to reflect on your previous week (what worked and didn’t), capture the items you want to carry forward, and start blocking out your schedule.
Pay Yourself First – Block out times in your calendar for self-care and what’s important to you. Some of these may be: wake/rest time, exercise, dates with your spouse, activities with your children, creative time, commitments to self/others, etc.
Schedule Positive Habits – Just like paying yourself above, your calendar can support you in creating and maintaining any positive habits you are trying to establish. You may put in simple things throughout the day like meal planning, working out, or even reminders to breathe.
Block Out DNS Time – Because I know I need time to myself where I don’t have any activity scheduled, I make sure of it by putting DNS (“do not schedule”) blocks down periodically. If something comes up, instead of removing it, I’ll shift it to another day close by.
Allow Buffer Time – It’s a general rule of thumb that everything takes longer than you initially think it’s going to. When planning, be sure to not only tack on a little breathing room for each activity, but also put buffer time before and after.
Anticipate Travel Time – If you have appointments at different locations, be sure to build into your schedule travel time to get from Point A to Point B. Punctuality is not only about respect for the other party, but proper planning will allow you to feel less stressed and rushed.
Plan Your Procrastination – I wrote a whole blog post about this HERE, but I can’t emphasize this enough. Know you will likely put off some things, or they may simply get pushed back by unanticipated issues. Anticipate that and build that into your schedule.
Commit 5 Minutes in the Morning – When you first get up, take a quick look at your calendar and mentally prepare yourself for your day ahead. Check for discrepancies, and add additional items like “return call to X” so you make the time to be on top of some of your to-do items.

Control Your Email

This is a huge time and energy suck. While it’s essential to our productivity, it’s important to keep an eye on this.

Hold Off on Logging On – Don’t start your day with getting on your email. This is doubly true for entrepreneurs. Email pulls you in and it’s hard to get out. There are few emails that can’t wait an hour after you get out of bed. Do your self-care and grooming activities, review your day, and take care of tasks that require the most focus.
Sort with Filters – Go through your email and set up automatic filters for different types of email. Send your reading and subscriptions into one folder, your daily deals/shopping into another, and your social media (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) into another. Etc. You’ll have less email in your inbox, and will be less distracted by miscellany. You can also go to each folder, do a quick scan, and delete en masse.
Keep your Inbox Tidy – When done with messages, consider deleting or filing them away as soon as you can. This will minimize the amount of messages sitting in your box.
Star/Flag Messages – You don’t have to respond to everything right away. Scan your messages, deal with most important first, and use the “star” or “flag” to mark messages you want to deal with later.
Use RSS Feeds and Instapaper – Consider deleting your newsletter subscriptions and set up RSS feeds instead so that they can be directed to your favorite feed reader. For web pages that you’d like to read later, consider using Instapaper or something like it so that you can tag them and come back to them later. Subscribe to the RSS feed for Instapaper and you can have it directed to your reader so you can read them when you have time.
Purge Your Inbox – Once in a while, we just have to start over. Scan your messages for key items you really want to keep and delete everything else. There are likely many messages you’ve been holding onto like old magazines, thinking you’ll get around to reading them. And just like old magazines, you have to throw them out periodically when they pile up.
Schedule Times for Review – Don’t keep your email open all the time if you can help it. It is a terrible distraction and a great excuse for procrastination. Set up specific times of day when you check your email. You can even go so far as to do an auto-reply that states the times when you reply to messages.

Leverage To-Do Lists

Some don’t like to call it a “to-do list,” but we all have them. Whatever name you want to call it that empowers you, but be sure you capture running tasks somewhere.

Separate Tasks from People – Keep your list of actions separate from your people. Managing relationships is more than a to-do, and an essential part of being successful in life and business. Make sure you have a place to capture the people you want/need to get back to, and schedule chunks of time each day to do so.
Tackle Low-Hanging Fruit – To feel accomplished, make sure you write down and cross off the easy items. If you’re an achievement oriented person, this will make you feel great.
Prioritize Action Items – While low-hanging fruit is attractive, be sure you are prioritizing the A, B, and C priority items appropriately and that you are tackling at least one A and B item every day. You’ll feel forward momentum, and be less likely to continually procrastinate.
Delegate – Remember that being successful requires that you involve other people. You don’t have to do everything yourself. Consider items that you can delegate to other people, and go ahead and make the request.
Review and Plan – Just as in the calendar section above, include a review of your to-do list in your planning for the week, and in your 5 minutes in the morning. You’ll better be able to anticipate how you want/need to use your time and energy.

Energy: Committing, Expending, Replenishing

All of the suggestions above have the power to positively enhancing your energy stores if executed appropriately and effectively. Here are some additional suggestions for impacting the energy you have available to you.

Practice Self-Care – This is crucial. Read my blog post HERE for suggestions. Also consider implementing a Morning Workshop so you have some specific daily practices.
Just Say No – We are often guilty of saying Yes more than we say No, for a variety of reasons. Create a list of what you will say Yes/No to and honor yourself and others by not overcommitting. Consider practicing saying No 10 times a day or instituting a 30-minute wait time before saying Yes to anything.
Eliminate Clutter – It’s a distraction and saps your energy. This includes both physical clutter in your living and work spaces, as well as mental clutter (including relationships that no longer serve you). Look for ways to clear this out and focus on clutter-free living.
Create a Toleration Checklist – Like clutter, there are many things we simply tolerate. Read this blog post on creating a list of things you are tolerating and commit to tackling them.
Clean Up Your Integrity – When your integrity is out, you feel bad about yourself and you create a space for others to be out of integrity with you. This is mental clutter and is a power sap. Identify where you are out of integrity with yourself and others. Include everything: unreturned phone calls and email, bills that need to be paid, an unclean bathroom, an apology you need to give. Take it one action at a time. Regain your power!
Reframe Obligation – You are the only one who can make yourself feel obligated. Choose carefully and stand by your choice. Give without feeling obligated. If you are feeling obligated, don’t do it – unless you are willing to give that up.
Refresh Your Relationships – Check in with people around you to keep your relationships fresh and current. Consider this blog post on the Relationship Compact for recommendations on how to do this.

You Don’t Have to Go It Alone

We are used to being lone rangers in our lives, and forget that we have a whole network of people to support us – if we are willing to reach out and to allow them to assist.

Create Accountability Structures – Share with people what you are up to and request that they ask you “how it’s going.” Appoint people as accountability holders and schedule times when you will check in
Team with Others – Share with more than one person and create a supportive team around you. Use your team for accountability. Buddy up with others to have them play along.
Make Requests – Make more requests of people around you. Don’t be shy – people are more than happy and willing to support you. Be open to receiving contribution – they love you for it.
Get Support – Hire a coach. Get a therapist. Talk with a friend. Ask for help – there is no shame in it.

Again, there are a million ways to manage your time and energy. By following any or all of these suggestions, you can organize and focus so that you can be your best self in all areas of your life and business.

Your Inner Critic is a Liar

2011-02-09T10:36:00.007-06:00

Have you noticed that voice in your head that criticizes every thought, emotion, action, and experience? Have you heard it saying that you will fail…that your [appearance, job, intelligence, abilities, etc.] are not good enough…that you’re wrong and bad? That voice is your inner critic. It drones on-and-on all day, and is a master at spewing destructive lies and abuses at us. Yet we continue to listen, and worse: believe.

Have you found it hard to hear or believe positive compliments and kudos from others? We’re less likely to give them priority over the garbage we repeat to ourselves continuously. When we look at our achievements and our own true beauty, we question it or begin tearing it down so that we can return to those beliefs that we are inadequate and flawed. “Yeah, but…” is one phrase we mutter.

Some believe the inner critic is our friend, while others would argue it’s the enemy. Picture the devil and the angel on each shoulder – they are actually two sides of the same inner critic. One wants to tear us down, while the other claims it wants to protect us. We formed this angel/devil when we were young as a way to shield us from criticism and preempt anything that may hurt us or cause us discomfort.

The problem is that over our lives, we build up far more damaging “protections” and criticisms that do more harm than good to our self-esteem and beliefs about what we are capable of being/doing/having. The inner critic keeps us in our heads (criticizing and evaluating), deters us from taking risks, and pulls us out of being present and able to make conscious choices that are based on our values and our true nature.

This true nature I speak of is what we have forgotten (or deny) about ourselves because we’ve been pushed and pulled and torn down (inside and out) for so long. The truth is we are whole, complete, resourceful, and perfect just as we are. What did you just say to yourself when reading that statement? “That’s not true” or “Sounds nice, but…” or perhaps “He doesn’t know how screwed up I really am.” There goes that inner critic again attacking you, my statement, and maybe even me for saying them.

So what do we do about it? For years, I have done a lot of work with “inner critic” on my own and with clients. There are many books and tools for dealing with the demons, but I have found one text to be fantastically useful: Taming Your Gremlin, by Dr. Rick Carson. The book focuses on helping you “get out of your own way” by learning to tame the little gruesome creatures in your mind.

Carson uses the word “taming” not “eliminating” because the Gremlins don’t actually go away. However, with practice, we have the ability to learn how to manage them. Gremlin-taming begins with “simply noticing” that they are there and learning to “play with options” for dealing with them.

Incorporating some of Carson’s material, here are a few suggestions for approaching this process of dealing with your inner critic / Gremlins:

Build Awareness. Pay attention to the chatter – which will likely be loud, repetitive, and pervasive when you first begin shining a light on it. Try to separate yourself from the statements. Remember: you are not the Gremlin. Do your best to listen, but try not to indulge it by believing what it is saying. The goal is to be present to them in the moment, and to not engage or fight. Rather, to just hear it and acknowledge: “Ah yes, there it goes again.” I sometimes add: “Thanks for sharing.”
Name Them. I recommend writing down what your Gremlins are saying (in their exactly language) so that you can start naming them. At first, you may feel you have dozens, but after a while you’ll start noticing themes. You likely have about 6-10 different buckets you could put the statements into. Take the sting out of them by finding some creative names for them, like “The ‘You Suck and Everyone Knows it’ Gremlin.” For each Gremlin: write a description for (including gender, sound of voice, key characteristics), list some of the common criticisms, and if it helps, draw a picture of their ugliness. By naming them, you can say to yourself things like: “My Money Gremlin was attacking me when I was paying my bills today,” or “My ‘You’re Going to Fall Flat on Your Face’ Gremlin didn’t want me to take that risk.”
Tell the Truth. I suggest you create an “Awesome Me” description for yourself so you have something to counter the lies. This is what you know in your heart of hearts to be true about you when you are your best self – your abilities, your fantastic personality traits, your values, etc. Again, this is what you know is true, not what you wish was true. Go full out and give yourself some credit. Get creative with the name so that it resonates with you. Some have called it: Kick Ass Brian, Tara Full Throttle, and Anna Flavor.
Create Affirmations. We have heard a lot about affirmations, and I do believe in them. However, the way I approach these statements is to create phrases that I know to be true (like Awesome Me), in words that is in my own style. The more they feel true and real to you, the more they will resonate when you repeat them to counter the Gremlins. If they are too “fluffy” or “fix it” in language and tone, they may feel flat and artificial and won’t empower you.
Consciously Choose Your Response. After becoming more aware that the inner critic is chattering, you can start to “play with options.” When in the moment of hearing your Gremlins, take a breath and choose whether you want to believe the Gremlin or not, and then choose an action/response. For example, you can indulge the Gremlins (try setting a time limit for how long you will do this), you can fight them (which just feeds them and is not very effective), you can deny their lies as false (with an affirmation or reminding yourself of your “awesomeness”), or you can simply thank them for sharing (defusing them by not giving them power), etc. Creating a consistent meditation ritual also helps.

Remember: This process of dealing with your inner critic requires practice. You must remember that it takes time and patience… and kindness toward yourself. You won’t be perfect, taming won’t come overnight, and the voices won’t completely go away. However, you can lessen their ability to derail and unravel you if you can continue to practice paying attention, being present, and consciously choosing your responses.

Flat-Lining is Not the Goal

2011-01-28T08:07:00.010-06:00

Our lives are marked by the beating of our hearts -- that persistent, forward-moving lubb-dub that coincides with the peaks and valleys of our pulse. The EKG image offers a great visual of this. When we are in action or stress, the pace accelerates. When we are calm or in a resting state, the pace is slower. But our hearts never deviate from the inevitable highs and lows of that ever-present beat.

The EKG image is an excellent metaphor for our journey through life. We feel the sharp heights of elation and the positive emotions and thoughts that accompany success and expansion; conversely we travel through the profound depths of challenge and woe. But for much of it, we are moving along a mid-point (pause, breath) with smaller blips that are a part of daily life.

We don’t control the lubb-dub of our heartbeat –- it’s involuntary and driven by our most basic part of ourselves (the primitive brain, the breath of life). Our higher-functioning mind does not think about it, nor do we want it to… we’d screw it up. In life, the highs and lows happen as a normal part of our experience. The mind again has no control over it, nor do we want it to… we’d screw it up.

You might find yourself saying: “Yeah, but I don’t want to go through all that. Isn’t the point of meditation and yoga and therapy (etc., etc., etc.) to calm ourselves and bring more balance?” To which I reply, yes and yes. Calming does not eliminate the peaks and valleys. Balance does not deny the two poles of high and low. If the goal was to rid ourselves of these points, we would not have the full breadth of experience that is fundamental to being alive -- we would flat-line. And we all know what that means: death.

What’s key is how we choose to relate to the beats of life. It is both the joy and sorrow that make our experiences so rich. And it is fundamental to our continual growth and evolution that we travel this path. Our pulse may quicken when significant life events occur in rapid succession (birth, death, change, stress), or may remain slow or relatively constant when we are practicing self-care. But, it never deviates from the inevitability represented in the EKG.

Flat-lining is not the goal. Rather, it is to focus on shifting the line so that it travels at an incline. We must find ways to manage our thoughts and our responses to life by practicing being present more often so that we can make conscious, values-aligned choices moment-by-moment. By this, we make it possible over time to experience more exhilarating peaks and less-strenuous valleys. And we never stop feeling the richness and complexity of the gift of living full-out.

The Personal Development Junkie

2011-01-21T12:21:00.007-06:00

Few would deny that self-improvement and a focus on learning and development are a powerful way to live. It is an important practice to consistently invest in being your best, healthy self – with the end goal of feeling happy, fulfilled, and at peace. Getting to know yourself and discovering hidden blind spots that profoundly alter your life can become intoxicating. The “high” that is produced from personal transformation is inspiring but can also turn into an addiction. It can lead to a person constantly seeking the “fix” created by finding and doing the new, next best thing that will hopefully reveal “the secret” or give “the answer” to how they can be more, better, or different. The difference lies in the intention behind why you are pursuing personal development and how you go about it.

WHY

From a very early age, we infer a variety of messages from personal experiences, the words and actions of family and teachers, and from society and media that we are wrong, broken, or simply “not good enough.” People have different ways they look to prove to themselves and others that this is not so. Some focus outward on achieving material success and indicators of “good enough” (job, possessions, credentials, recognition). Some focus inward on improvement of how they live and experience their inner and outer worlds – through therapy, coaching, self-help books and workshops, exercise, and spiritual practices.

None is inherently wrong, and none is necessarily better than another. I’m a huge advocate of self-development and orient my life around “the work.” However, it is important to ask yourself: Are you pursuing a particular course of self-improvement because you want to be your best you or because you are trying to fix something (inside or out) that you believe is broken? If it’s the former, then that can be an exciting way to live. If it’s the latter, then it’s time to take a look at your motivations and work on healing the past so you can develop a greater sense of self love. As you’ve probably heard before (but perhaps have yet to believe) in a whole range of teachings from Eckhart Tolle to Carl Rogers to Jesus Christ: you are whole, complete, resourceful, and an example of perfection just as you are in this very moment.

HOW

There are so many fantastic resources out there for supporting your journey of self-discovery – from racks of self-study books to experiential retreats to 1:1/group therapy. Gurus like Anthony Robbins and Oprah Winfrey; workshops through Landmark Education, Wright Institute, Avatar, and Body Electric; readings from Marianne Williamson, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Abraham-Hicks, and whole array of bloggers – these and many, many more provide incredible insight into ourselves, others, and to existence itself.

You can explore and experience and discover and grow. That is awesome. It takes a certain amount of digging and honesty to get to the real meaty stuff. Learning about yourself is fantastic, but what are you going to do with this information? Where people often fall short of making the true, lasting improvements they are seeking is in the consistent and persistent application.

Do you find yourself hearing and seeing the same messages over and over again? There is nothing new out there, as it’s all been said and done before but repackaged in more or less effective forms. When reading or participating, try paying attention not only to what is being communicated, but how well you are actually applying it every day. It’s great to hear reinforcement of insightful messages, but it’s equally important to take that information and do something with it.

At some point, you have to ask yourself how much more “work” you need to do on yourself before you can live the life you want. If you’ve been at this for a while, you probably already have enough to work with. Strive to create structures, commitments, accountability to others – anything that will support you in taking the action to reinforce and sustain your transformation. Remember this is not all about “achieving” happiness; you must allow it to unfold organically. Focus on breathing, quieting the mind, and finding ways to be more present, peaceful, and accepting (toward yourself and others).

The choice is yours: You can either seek out the next “high” (that may lead to the next “low”), or concentrate on healing the why of your addiction and commit to applying all you’ve learned in your daily life.

Discomfort is a Good Thing

2011-01-14T12:41:00.002-06:00

When we are feeling threatened or in danger, our instinct is fight or flight. This is an evolutionary mechanism that protects us. However, despite living in relatively safe environments, we still operate in this fight or flight mode when presented with challenges of a mental or emotional nature. It’s our primitive selves in action, even though the threat of physical harm is usually low.

As humans, we typically try to avoid anything that causes us discomfort. This is one reason why change is so hard. However, what people don’t necessarily realize is discomfort is a prerequisite for lasting change and growth to occur, because it requires that we break out of the familiar and stretch toward something outside our comfort zones. While I might not go so far as to say “no pain, no gain,” I will say that you want to strive to push yourself past comfort because that is the real sweet spot.

When I consider the areas in my life that had the most lasting impact, they were areas where I was pushed/pulled toward an expanded version of who I know myself to be. Just like growing pains were a natural part of our physical development, so is the discomfort that accompanies our emotional and mental growth.

Rather than resisting that which makes us uncomfortable or arouses fear, we can benefit from walking toward it knowing that is where the value and power lie. Don’t resist it (fight) or run from it (flight) -- it’s a good thing to feel uncomfortable because you know you are entering new territory. Stay with it and know it’s an important part of the process. Discomfort can be our friend if we are able to see it as an opportunity for growth and change.

Taking Action: Before You Do, Start with Be

2011-01-07T08:00:00.025-06:00

As the cliché goes, we are notoriously “human doings.” We are action oriented, and evaluate ourselves daily on how much we are doing, producing, and achieving. We have to-do lists and goals and resolutions and "shoulds." We tend to place priority on problem solving and accomplishing tasks (do), so that we can yield some sort of outcome (have), and then be something or someone in the world.

When we are in this Do-Have-Be orientation, we often are evaluating our actions and whether or not we are worthy, valid, successful, productive, or [insert judgment here]. How many of you out there do your work/career, so you can have the money to create/maintain the life you want, so that you can be happy and fulfilled?

Our intentions are not bad; rather they are misguided. What would life be like if we were clear about who we are and what’s important to us, and made choices in alignment with that? It would seem our actions would flow more naturally and be better suited to what we really want today…as opposed to this continual tackling of to-do lists and email requests, and “shoulds” and “have tos.” Perhaps we would no longer feel like we are pushing a boulder uphill. Perhaps we could feel energized knowing that our actions are based on a solid foundation that is a reflection of the person we are now, not what we were in the past or believe we should be in the future.

Our perspective and approach to what we are up to in our lives is just as (if not more) important to the outcome as the actions themselves. We tend to be happier and more satisfied when our actions are grounded in a sense of purpose and are aligned with our values.

Rather than enacting the Do-Have-Be approach, consider instead the Be-Do-Have Model -- a cycle of thought and action related to making, enacting, and evaluating choices.

BE

Rather than focusing first on the action and the "Do," let’s start with who we are and what’s important to us, or the BE. While it is important to create structures, accountability, and targets, how often do we take a step back and ask ourselves why we are doing what we are doing? We get so caught up in the go-go-go of daily life and all the responsibilities that go along with it, we neglect to ask ourselves on a regular basis about:

Purpose/Calling: Who am I? What am I passionate about? Who do I want to be in the world?
Values: What’s important to me? What do I stand for?
Motivators: What turns me on and off? What keeps me going?
Influencers: What am I capable of? What do I really want?

How clear we are about the “why” has a huge impact on our levels of commitment, engagement, and satisfaction with the experience. It also affects our effectiveness, innovation, creativity, and ability to maintain and sustain the action over the longer term.

DO

We are experts at this part. However, when we are clear about who we are and what is important to us, the choice to act is much simpler. While we might need some assistance in figuring out the best actions to take, the bigger picture goal is self-evident. We know we want something and are willing to take the steps to move us in that direction.

HAVE

Whether we are happy with the results or not, we get something. Perhaps it’s something tangible, or maybe it’s a feeling. Whatever the case, we are in a position to evaluate our outcomes and choose whether we want to continue on the same path, cease what we are doing, or reevaluate how we are going about it. When we reevaluate, it is important to cycle back through BE to confirm whether our self-assessment was accurate. If so, we analyze what worked and didn’t work in our previous effort to identify where our actions need to be repeated or tweaked.

You are free to approach your experiences in whatever way you choose. Greater happiness and satisfaction in work and life come from being conscious of who you are and what’s important to you as a foundation for what you choose to do and create.

If you are interested in learning more about this, I am happy to share the Master’s thesis I wrote at Northwestern University titled: The Quest for Happiness: An Exploration of Values, Vocational Choice, and Meaning in Life and Work. Email me and I’ll send you either the full thesis or an executive summary.

The New Year: Looking Back, Looking Forward

2010-12-23T14:29:00.011-06:00

As we bring each year to a close, it is important to reflect on what we’ve accomplished and learned, and to create intentions for what we want to be/do/have in the coming cycle. This can be done at the calendar year and/or the solar year (your birthday), since recognition of what it took to get us here is just as crucial as planning for what we want our lives to be in the future.

This is not about creating “resolutions,” as I believe they set us up for failure and feeling sh**ty about ourselves. The resolutions people make are usually about fixing themselves and their lives, based on “there is something wrong here” or even worse, “there is something wrong with me.” We are powerful, creative, resourceful beings that are traveling paths that bring wisdom crucial for our ongoing development as humans and titans in our own corners of the world. Shoulding on ourselves has no place here.

I created a three-part exercise called Looking Back, Looking Forward that is about clarity, choice, commitment, creation, and celebration. I believe it important to set yourself up to win by 1) creating closure for the ending year and celebrating all we did and did not accomplish and learn, and 2) designing a living, breathing plan you will continually revise and update throughout the coming year.

So, let’s get started. You can do this on your own, or may consider working with someone close to you for part or all of this exercise to capture things you may be forgetting and to brainstorm out-of-the-box ideas. Whether flying solo or with another, find a quiet spot to write or type without interruptions. This may be in your home, a peaceful location where you feel calm and centered, or even a coffee shop. Breathe, relax, and reflect without judgment.

PART I: LOOKING BACK

We so often want to charge ahead into “what’s next” without taking the time to consider all that it has taken to get us here. Who were we being that allowed us to create the successes and lessons? What did we do that gave us all we have? If we don’t take the time to acknowledge this, we miss out on honoring ourselves and our actions…and feel like we are always pushing ahead toward an elusive finish line that never shows itself.

Reflect. Begin by reflecting on what you have accomplished and learned this past year, so that you can powerfully complete it with honesty and celebration. Consider these questions:

What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
What did you learn this year?
What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Below are some topics that you may want to include so that you can broaden your scope beyond the usual sectors of career, money, and health. Try to write down at least 2-3 items in each of the following areas, but you may find yourself putting down dozens of successes and lessons:

Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
Health: mental, physical, emotional
Relationships: friends, family
Love: romance, partnership, dating
Personal growth: learning, development, expansion
Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
Community: contribution, involvement
Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
Fun and recreation
Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
Miracles: something amazing and unexpected…

Celebrate. Then choose to celebrate the year in some way. It can be something like purchasing a gift for yourself, or it can be an action that doesn’t cost a dime. Whatever way you choose to recognize what you have achieved, the most important part is you consciously take the action with celebration in mind. Some examples may be taking a bath, making a toast or a special meal at home, or even going for a long walk.

PART II: LOOKING FORWARD

Instead of focusing on the usual corrections and repairs, get clear about what you really want, not what you feel you should want. Base it on your values and sense of personal purpose/meaning -- and then set objectives and intentions for what you want to do/have and who you want to be in the coming year. These include tangible goals, objectives, and activities, as well as intangible intentions around who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to dream big. This will always be a working draft document, and can/will be revised throughout the year.

Then write down, in each of the areas listed above, a few intentions and objectives for the coming year. Some will be continuations of what you have already been focusing on (keep smoke-free, maintain my yoga practice, continue practicing patience with my kids), and some will be brand new (be open to taking risks, take a vacation, launch a blog). Don’t get too bogged down in the “how” just yet. Just allow yourself the space to be creative and think outside the “fixing” and away from the "more, better, different" point of view. What does your heart truly desire?

Some tips:

Create concrete SMART goals that include both a clear, concise description of what you want to create/accomplish, as well as a time-frame or “by when” date.
Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching." Consider boundaries and what you may want to say "yes" and "no" to.
Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

PART III: NOW WHAT?

You have reflected on the past year, you have celebrated and put it to bed, and you have created intentions and objectives for the coming year. The next step is: action. Remember, these are not New Year’s Resolutions; rather, they are part of your short and long term plans based on who you are and what you really want. Now is the time to jump in. Here are some suggestions for initiating and keeping your goals alive for yourself:

Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.
Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.
Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. Hire a coach. You don’t have to go it alone!
Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it. Also, plan your procrastination if that is a problem area for you.
Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.
Revisit frequently. Make sure you keep your Looking Forward plan in front of you, and update objectives and dates as needed. You can even do a Mid-Year Review to reflect on the first six months and revise your plan for the second half of the year. It is all about keeping this alive for yourself. When you do your Looking Back, Looking Forward next year, it will not only be an easier exercise (since you've been keeping track all year and will have a lot to report!), but you will have a whole year of successes and lessons to draw from for creating the following year's blueprint.

The Morning Workshop

2010-12-16T10:55:00.005-06:00

Each morning, it is important to set the tone for your day by having a set of practices that clear out the junk from your mind/body/spirit and create intentions for what is to come. This is about self-care, and it needs to go beyond just the physical preparations of making coffee, eating breakfast, showering and primping. And it need not take more than 20 minutes, depending upon the kinds of activities you want to set up and begin practicing. I call this “My Morning Workshop.”

Consider what you need to give yourself a real jolt of focus, energy, and enthusiasm. What makes the most sense for you based on how you usually wake up – reflective, jubilant, morose, anxious, physically keyed up or worn out? Do you need to calm your mind, clear it out, or give it a jump start? Would you benefit from taking stock, wringing out stress, or asking for guidance and support? What do you need to make your day one for winning, not dragging yourself through or racing to an artificial finish line?

Consider what you might want to include in your Morning Workshop. Here are some suggestions of things that work well. There are also additional suggestions in the blog post on self-care.

Physical

Stretching
Yoga exercises
Going for a walk or run
Light weight training
Deep breathing

Mental/Emotional

Journaling
Morning Pages
Speak affirmations
Deep breathing
Setting an intention for who you want to be today
Planning out your day with your calendar/to-do list before you jump in

Spiritual

Meditation
Prayer
Gratitude practice

I’d like to share what I am currently doing each morning to help give you an idea of what this could look like. My current Workshop centers on the mental and spiritual (and breathing) to help me calm and focus; I save my physical exercise for later in the day. Yours will look different, depending on what your needs are. Don’t be afraid to mix it up as your needs shift, but be consistent with doing something every day.

My Morning Workshop (under 20 minutes total)

Breathe deeply – throughout
Light a candle, focus on my breath, and meditate – 10 mins.
Speak a spiritual treatment (a form of affirmative prayer) – 3 mins.
Gratitude practice (“I am grateful for X, Y, Z”) – 1 min.
Speak my current affirmations while breathing deeply – 2 mins.
Set my intention for the day (“My intention today is to be [calm, patient, focused, forgiving, etc.]”) – 30 secs.
Speak my closing thought (“I love what is. Today, amazing things will happen.”) – 10 secs.
One final deep breath – 10 secs.

Remember, you can (and should) change it up as needed. The main thing to remember is to honor yourself by committing a little time each day to doing it – even if you only have 5 minutes to get present to yourself and your day before diving in. But try to be consistent by doing it at a similar time each morning, and every morning. I can promise that after the first couple of weeks of consistently practicing this, you’ll start finding yourself more calm and focused -- not only at the start but more often throughout the day.

A Win-Win Sales Approach

2010-12-07T17:16:00.007-06:00

To many, sales can be a stressful (or at least uncomfortable) process – whether you are in business for yourself or someone else, or are the one being sold to. But the sales process is necessary in every profession. Your version of selling may involve internal customers (such as, seeking buy-in from your team for your ideas) and/or external customers (enticing others to purchase your widgets, services, or expertise). And in some cases, you are using a version of sales in your personal life when you are attempting to persuade and influence people toward or away from a particular position (or even a restaurant choice!).

For years, I have been using a simple sales approach that has been very effective. It incorporates authenticity, integrity, self-confidence, workability, and even appreciation. It is also focuses on peace and ease where both parties walk away feeling like it’s a win-win, and each feels honored and respected in the process.

I was recently participating in a DailyOM self-study course called Heal Your Money Karma (by Spencer Sherman and Brent Kessel). In one of their lessons, they outlined a sales process called “Earning More with Less Effort.” As I was reading it, I was nodding my head repeatedly saying to myself, “Yes, yes! I already do that! This is exactly like my own sales process!” Because there are so many parallels, I have incorporated some of their points into the following process:

The 6-Part Win-Win Sales Approach

Step 1: Get Clear
Before you can pitch anything, you need to know what you are talking about – so that you are clear and confident when you speak. Take the time to think through 1) what is most important for you to communicate to others (i.e., your intentions, your features or approach, the fee structure, etc.) and 2) who your market is (i.e., who you will (and want to) be talking to, and what’s important to them). The clearer you can be for yourself, the easier it will be for you to be present and authentic with people.

A note for entrepreneurs: I highly recommend a book called Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port, for getting clear about the who, what, how, where, and why.

Step 2: Determine Level of Interest and Fit
When talking with a prospect, it is important to be unattached to the outcome and to put your attention on them. Rather than focusing on “getting them” to be a client or a customer (or a convert to your idea or point of view), focus on identifying mutual interest and fit. Does it make sense for you to work together? Emphasize that your intention is for it to be a win-win for you both. Ask probing questions and above all else, do more listening than talking. Your objective is to identify whether partnership and collaboration are possible, and whether there is alignment in each party’s wants, needs, and values. It’s about both what’s in it for them AND what’s in it for you.

Do you feel like there is interest and fit on both sides? Perhaps you need to ask the question. If you are clear it is there, you can move onto step 3 to deepen the discussion around what is possible in the partnership. If interest and fit aren’t there (on either side), refer them elsewhere, and ask if they will refer you (if appropriate). There is no need for worry or disappointment; there are plenty of others out there that will be a better fit for you both. You want to honor both party’s time and energy by assessing fit relatively quickly.

Step 3: Be Transparent and Authentic
If you both decide there is interest and fit, it’s time to dig a little deeper and talk about the particulars of working together. Understand where your client is coming from. Again, ask questions and do a lot of listening. What they say will inform how you choose to present your product/service/idea, with the intention of giving them the information they need to make an informed decision. It is important to be transparent and authentic, because anything that even remotely stinks of coercion or deception will be in the space. We’ve all been in those conversations where we know there is more going on behind the scenes – and that leaves us wanting to run for the hills.

State anything up-front that you believe may cause concern, get in the way, or become a deal breaker. If you voice it, you are more likely to remove the emotional charge or fears that could be in the space if you were to keep silent and wait for it to become an issue. These may be issues around personal style or approach, concerns about company size or competitor differences, or even worries that gender may get in the way. Sherman and Kessel use this example:

A Sikh colleague of mine starts his sales conversations by telling the prospect "I’m concerned that my turban might get in the way of our doing business together." This statement is instantly disarming, and it takes his ethnic and cultural difference out of the equation.

Step 4: Discuss Money Sooner Rather Than Later
If you feel weird about discussing money, so will your prospect. This is something worth working through, as you will get in your own way, and will likely bring unconscious stuff into the space. When it comes to costs and fees, it’s better that you bring it up before your prospect does. Because money is such an emotional conversation/issue for people, you are more likely to take the charge out of it if you have an open dialogue about it. I recognize that issues of worth may come into play here, but the more you practice speaking with confidence (and without apology!), the easier it will become to talk about it. And the sooner you state your fees/price, the less likely you will feel later to discount. Sherman and Kessel have this to say:

Say it outright: "My fee is in the X-thousand dollar range; is that a barrier to us working together?" Or, in the case of a non-monetary transaction: "I have a 30-minute presentation; I’d like the audience’s full attention. Will that be a problem for you?" For the most part, buyers will say it is not a problem or there is no barrier because they’re intrigued to hear what you have to offer.

Step 5: Have an Open Dialogue
You are probably getting that sales is about asking the right questions, giving the prospect (and the sales process) space to breathe, and allowing the conversation to go where it needs to without being attached to the outcome. Of course, you will benefit from creating the intention of making a sale – but it must be a win-win for both parties. At this point, you have explained who you are, what you offer, your fees/prices, and any concerns you wanted to address.

Now is the time to ask the prospect about any concerns or need for additional information or clarification. Let them talk, and be sure to really listen on all levels. Share how you will answer their issues, and ask if your response addresses their concerns. Don’t say anything; just wait for the “yes” or “no.” If it’s a “yes,” you can move on to the next step. If it’s a “no,” perhaps you didn’t really understand their issue or need more information. If you don’t have a solution, be sure to say so. Better to be up-front about limitations, than to over-sell and not produce on the other end.

Step 6: Determine Next Steps
In the spirit of being bold and confident, particularly after having this robust discussion, you will want to ask the question: “What do we do next?” Ask this only if you are clear that YOU want to work with them; otherwise, you will want to tell them that you don’t believe you are a match. Through this whole process, you want the prospect to feel free to make whatever choice they need/want to make without fear of your reaction. Don’t help them or offer suggestions, nor should you pressure them in any way. As you probably already know, people have a hard time saying “no,” so you want to empower them to make the best choice for them.

In some cases, the prospect will say: I’m ready to sign/buy now. You’ve got your deal, and based on your particular offering, you’ll know what steps are necessary to seal the deal (draw up a contract, set up delivery, etc.). In others, they may say “no” (for whatever reasons they have). If this is the case, ask for a referral to others who may have an interest in your service/product/idea.

In other cases, they may say they need more information, or time to think about it. In this last situation, it’s up to you what you want to do. If they need more information, help them get it. If they are still researching (comparing competition, etc.) or need more time, you can either 1) choose not to wait, say it’s not a fit, and ask for a referral, or 2) set up a follow-up date. In my business, it is not unusual for a prospect to say they would like some time to think (or check their budget, etc.) to which I respond: “Not a problem at all, but I do request that we check-in X days from now so we can close the loop.” People appreciate that and feel they are being respected. And you are respecting yourself too.

At the end of the day, remember that this is about providing impeccable service (even if you are selling a product or idea), such that the prospect feels heard, understood, and honored. Many referrals come from people who had a great experience with you, even if they didn’t actually make the purchase (at least, not yet!). I’ve certainly had many people refer me who were never my client because they enjoyed our interactions and my no-pressure, unattached approach. And I’ve had people call me two years after meeting me saying they were now ready to work with me.

Remember that the key to successful sales is focusing on the win-win. Know your stuff, be authentic and transparent (integrity and trust-building), keep the process low-key (no high-pressure!), ask good questions (listen more than you talk) and address concerns directly, and be unattached to the outcome (there are plenty of prospects out there). Whatever the result, both walk away feeling like they won because coming to an agreement to work (or not) together was a collaborative process.

Following the six steps may not end in a sale for you every time, but it might result in a future business (a “no” now may be a “yes” later). And you never know who might refer you, simply because of how awesome you were to interact with.

The Relationship Compact: Define and Redefine

2010-10-08T10:25:00.005-05:00

As people, we evolve over time. And so must our relationships if we want them to keep pace with our own growth, change, needs, and priorities. We have a variety of people in our lives –- family, friends, community members, work colleagues, clients, acquaintances, people who provide us services, and the list goes on. Each relationship has a different compact, whether explicit or implied, and it is important to understand the agreement and refresh the terms as needed.

This is much clearer in working relationships, as more often than not there are defined expectations for the roles we are supposed to play. As service providers, we often set forth the terms in a contract so both we and the client are clear about what will and will not be provided. As managers and employees, our annual performance appraisals are based on how we measure up to the competencies defined for the role and organization, to the job description that outlines the requirements of the position, and to what our boss (hopefully, collaboratively) defines as objectives for performance and goals.

However, in personal relationships we are often operating in the dark or from habit. Expectations from family relationships are typically outdated –- based on unspoken “rules” created when we were very young. In friendships and romantic relationships, we often fall back on old patterns of behavior from past experiences, and sometimes keep people in our lives well beyond the relationships’ expiration dates. When we meet new people, we see them through filters and place them in certain categories and classifications that direct us toward how we will choose to interact and bond (or not) with them.

So, what do we do about this? How can we refresh our present relationships? For new connections, how can we set clear, healthy boundaries for ourselves and others at the outset that will serve as strong foundations for the future?

Current Relationships

Take an inventory of your current relationships. Start with the key people you have the most vested interest in: specific family, friends, colleagues, etc.
For each person, ask yourself which ones are and are not working well, and why? Which ones have run their course? Be honest.
For each person, reach out to create a conversation with the intention of having a frank discussion to refresh the relationship and define/redefine the compact. The post “360 Feedback from People in Your Life” can support you in how you go about setting these up, and what questions to ask.
Commit to having regular check-ins on your relationships. We do this at work; why not do it with the people in our lives.

New Relationships

When you meet someone, be open to seeing them for who they really are, not just what we want them to be. Be transparent and authentic in how you interact with them, so they can get to know you without the mask of “looking good” or “being likeable.”
Get crystal clear about what you want in your relationships at this juncture. Not what you used to want, or what you think you should want/have. Be present tense. This might change in one month or six, but it’s important to be conscious of your current wants/needs.
Understand your values, and identify whether this new person meshes up with them or not.
Set boundaries for yourself. Where appropriate, be explicit about setting boundaries with them. For both self and others, these parameters might include: time, what you’re willing and not willing to do/give, what you want/need, and how emotionally/mentally available you are.
Commit to yourself to have regular check-ins so that you can keep the relationship current.

This might seem really methodical and perhaps even contrived, but it really does work. While each discussion will look different and may not go to the lengths I mention above, at very least you will have put some thought into your relationships. Where you take steps to have discussions, you will open up dialogue and space for the relationship to breathe. You will also set some boundaries and commitments to one another that allow for greater transparency and authenticity in your interactions. Finally, you will model a really fantastic process and set of behaviors that others may feel compelled to bring into their own lives.

We are not built to operate in isolation –- we are social animals. It is important to make investment in the people that mean a great deal to us on both the personal and professional levels. Take the time to get clear, be courageous, and get in conversation about your relationships. It will have a ten-fold return.

Self-Care: Pause and Refuel

2010-10-01T10:34:00.007-05:00

When you don’t focus on making self-ishness a priority, you run the risk of burning yourself out. You experience greater anxiety and stress, are less productive and effective, and are more prone to health issues. By taking some time every day that feeds your body, mind, heart, or spirit, you are not only giving yourself the sustenance to keep going, but are respecting and honoring YOU as someone who deserves attention and nurturing.

It all starts with making your well-being the first priority – before anyone else. If you don’t fill your goblet first, you won’t have much left over to give to others. Healthy doses of stress (eustress) are a normal part of life, and help us to push ahead with impact and velocity. However, when we experience high intensity and long durations of stress (distress), our physiology moves into a “fight or flight” mode. Over prolonged periods, our physical and mental health deteriorates, and our heart and spirit scream for relief.

To drive this point home, take a moment to consider yourself in the following situations and pay close attention to how you feel. Take note of your breathing, your posture and facial expressions, and the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.

Driving your car in rush hour
Getting a last minute work assignment
Misplacing something in the house
Having something break while you're using it
Dealing with incompetence at work
Planning your budget
Being blamed for something
Waiting in a long line at the grocery store

Did you notice yourself tensing, getting irritated, or even saying, “That drives me crazy when that happens!”? When we are not practicing self-care, we are more prone to over-reacting versus taking a step back, breathing, and practicing patience. If you actively find time to reduce “distress,” you will feel less inclined to jump to hyper-emotional reactions. You will find yourself more able to choose responses that best serve you and the people around you.

You don’t need a lot of time to practice self-care. It can range from taking some deep breaths in the midst of stressful situations, to stepping away from your desk for a 10 minute break to re-center yourself, to carving out an hour or two to do something creative, relaxing, or even invigorating like a long run.

Here are some examples of self-care. They are broken down into categories, but any of these suggestions would affect all areas of body, mind, heart, and spirit.

BODY
Take a walk
Get some exercise or take a yoga class
Soak in the bathtub
Sit in the sun for 15 minutes
Take a nap or go to bed early
Get out into nature
Make one improvement in your diet
Get a massage
Drink lots of water throughout the day
MIND
Say an affirmation
Read (or listen to) a book for pleasure
Write a letter or email to a friend
Make a list of your short- and long-term goals
Sign up for a class
Do some journaling
Write a short story or poem
Plan your day in the morning, and review at bedtime
Hire a coach to help you make self-improvements
HEART
Listen to music you love
Do something creative - take pictures, paint/draw, be musical
Play with your child or pet – or play by yourself (operative word: play)
Have a heart-to-heart conversation with a close friend
Hug someone or ask for a hug
Acknowledge yourself for accomplishments you’re proud of
Feel your fear and take an action anyway (the definition of “courage”)
Write a letter to someone who has hurt you, and don’t send it
SPIRIT
Visualize yourself in a peaceful place
Do something of service for another
Connect with Nature
Meditate
Pray or go to spiritual services
Practice daily quiet time (in whatever form)
Practice daily gratitude (name 5 things you’re grateful for when you wake or retire)
Learn about a religion or spiritual practice different from your own
Give a gift to someone anonymously

Practicing self-care is well worth the time, energy, and effort. You'll be more present, happier, healthier, and ultimately more effective in all that you do.

Communication: Defining Roles and Asking for What You Need

2010-09-16T13:10:00.010-05:00

How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and thought to yourself, “Ugh, I really just want to share this and not have them try to solve the problem”? Or, on the flip side, “Hmm, I don’t know how best to support this person right now”? In both cases, whether you’re the one sharing or the one on the receiving end, it’s important to get clear about what’s needed in the moment for the conversation to be useful. Here are some recommendations on how best to do this:

When Sharing

When in the position of having something to share with someone – whether it’s venting, seeking counsel, brainstorming options, etc. – it’s key to get clear from the beginning what you need and to ask for it. For instance, if you really need to get something off your chest and you just want to be heard, then say: “I am going to share something and I just want you to listen.” In this example, you let the person know what you need (to be heard) and what role they can play (listener, and nothing more). Another example: “I have been dealing with a challenging situation and want to get your objective input on how best to approach it.” Here you are saying that you need input and suggestions, and the person can be prepared to have his/her ears and thinking hat on simultaneously.

When Receiving

When on the receiving end of communication, it is helpful to establish what role the person wants you to play. This may happen at the beginning before they start sharing, or after they are finished sharing and you are preparing to respond. In either case, I find it helpful to say: “Do you need me to listen, or are you looking for a response from me?” You can ask: “Who do you want me to be here… a partner, a friend, a manager, a coach, an objective 3rd party…?” This helps guide how to listen, as well as allows you to offer the kind of feedback (or not) they are looking for.

Another recommendation is to ask permission from the person before giving your input. For example, you could say: “I have some thoughts about this. May I share them with you?” Or, “I have a few suggestions… are you interested in hearing them?” In these cases, if the person really is not interested in getting feedback, they can say so. Even if they are not sure they really want feedback, if they gave you permission to do so, they can’t hold it against you because you prepared them for it.

Communication is challenging. We all have varying degrees of experience, training, and facility with it. Consider whether you need to take steps to improve your skills in this area and seek it out. Listening in particular is an area where most people could use an upgrade. Objectively assess yourself (or ask for feedback from others) and determine where some training would be beneficial.

At very least, if you can get clear about roles and what each party needs when communicating -- and actually have a conversation about it -- it can be a much more positive, productive experience.

Planning Your Procrastination

2010-09-08T13:34:00.006-05:00

Throughout my life, I have been challenged by that pesky practice of procrastination. I know I'm not alone. Whether private or public about it, so many others have the same issue – for a variety of reasons, with a variety of results. However, with some thought, it’s possible to work with your tendency to procrastinate so that it doesn’t completely derail your effectiveness… or piss people off.

It's helpful to understand why you procrastinate, then recognize how your energy works, to determine how best to cease or employ this practice. Each situation may have a different reason for it, so it’s important to anticipate early-on if procrastination is going to enter into the picture. Don’t make yourself wrong for your tendency to do it, so that you can be objective in understanding what’s behind it.

Some do it because they are avoiding a task or project that is either difficult (outside their abilities or comfort zone) or uninteresting (perceived as dull or menial). Some set themselves up to fail because of fear of failure or success – in both cases, based on indulging or fighting their inner critic. While others, like me, get a lot of juice from the focus and adrenaline rush generated leading up to completing a task before deadline – and actually feel the pressure helps them produce better work/results (which may or may not be true).

Whatever the reasons, there is nothing wrong with procrastination per se. However, it has an impact on you, others on the team, the people in your life, and on the final result. Your health can be affected, when your mind/body try to recover from the burst of energy and resulting exhaustion. You find yourself stressing and agonizing in anticipation of doing the work, and can debilitate yourself. You may also feel guilty whenever you are doing anything but the procrastinated work – and take yourself out of being present and enjoying those activities.

For others, those who are forced to endure the “madness” as you rush to finish something can get angry and resentful. Team members who do not procrastinate or who have a different form of it may not be able to adequately complete their parts of the project – impacting not only your relationships, but the final product. And that end result may not actually turn out as good as it could have, particularly in cases where the project would have benefited from time for reflection, development, evolution, and/or review/revision.

A Personal Example

When I was in school, I would do things the night before. Over time, I learned that it was a losing proposition, even if I managed to pull out good grades from my severely flawed process of procrastination. It took me recognizing the negative impacts it has on me mentally/physically to alter my process. By the time I was in grad school, I knew my process and embraced it. Yes, I tend to do things closer to the deadline, but by being honest with myself, I was able to create a workable process that allowed me to produce better results, with less stress – while still leveraging that focused burst of energy. I could account for others on the team, and not upset the people in my life by being a crazy, stressed out nut around deadlines. It just took a little introspection and planning.

Planning Your Procrastination

Assess. At the outset of a task or project, ask yourself: What is the likelihood I will want to procrastinate on this? Be honest with yourself.
Scope. If there are concerns you will procrastinate, consider how long it will take for you to complete the task or portion of the project. Generally speaking, things take longer than we believe they will. Reflect on past experiences doing similar work and take into account the variety of bumps that can occur along the way (people not getting you what you need in time, technology issues, learning curve, etc.) – and plan that into your time.
Plan. Determine what the deadline is and work backward, building in buffer time in case your assessment of how long it will take is flawed. If the project involves other people, and they need your portion of the material for their part, use that as your deadline so they can incorporate your piece at a time that is workable for them. Be sensitive to others’ needs here so you don’t make enemies in the process.
Schedule. Put the relevant dates on the calendar, and most importantly, block out time in advance of the deadlines so that you don’t give it away. This is crucial because if you know you are going to do the work last minute, you will not want to have other things going on that will get in the way from you getting it done.

Obviously, the ideal is NOT to procrastinate. But, the reality is, you probably will. So, while you work through whatever issues you have that cause you to procrastinate, you might as well set yourself up to win by planning for it. You and the people around you will be less stressed, you’ll get better results, and you just might learn something in the process.

Gratitude: What's Present vs. What's Missing

2010-08-06T11:20:00.000-05:00

So many of us strive for being/doing/having more, better, and different. In other words, our focus is on not enough, not good enough, or something’s wrong. Relating to ourselves and our lives from a place of lack is a debilitating, as it has us go to wanting to fix and change. While it is okay to desire improvements, it’s equally important to recognize and appreciate what’s really great about our experiences and our worlds.

It is not about what’s missing, but what’s present. When was the last time – especially when things felt like they were not going your way – that you looked to what is so awesome about your life it brought you to tears? There is something really powerful in what I am talking about. That there is beauty in our lives every day, every moment… even when we feel that it’s not as good as it could be.

Similar to my recent post on winning, we get to say whether our lives are working or not. It’s all a point of view, and an opinion that we get to choose. When I work with my clients on the Wheel of Life, I often get levels of satisfaction of less than "5" (on a 0-10 scale) in one or many sections of the Wheel. When I see that, I will inevitably ask, "What makes that a #?" and they will rattle off a list of all that’s wrong with that sector of their lives. When we reorient the question toward what’s working, present, and wonderful, the number goes up.

It’s all perspective and we get to define and redefine the scale at any time. Being challenged around money could be a "0" or could be a "5" when we look to where poverty/homelessness would fall on our scales. In fact, I would assert that our day-to-day challenges could still regularly yield a level of satisfaction to over 5 in any/all areas of the Wheel if we shift where we place our focus.

Practice gratitude. For the next week, identify five things every morning when you wake and five things every evening before you fall asleep that you feel good about, that you are grateful for, that you appreciate, that are working. Use these Wheel-related questions if it helps. Here are five things I woke feeling grateful for this morning:

Career: I get to do what I love every day, because I chose to make it so.
Money: I have abundance/prosperity and all my basic needs are handled. I have the ability, resourcefulness, and desire to continue making it so.
Health: I take care of my body, mind, and spirit every day – and I see/feel the results.
Relationships: I have a lot of love in my life – from family, friends, and from people I know (and don't know) I impact.
Spirit: I feel connected to and One with God/Universe/Source and know I am being taken care of.

It might feel clunky at first. I have a lot of practice with this, so I can get to some juicy stuff pretty quickly. Start by noticing some of the simple things, like gratitude for having a hot cup of coffee, getting a seat on the train, having a job that you like most days, or getting your kids into a bath without a big fuss. As you get in practice of looking for “wins,” what’s working, and what’s present, you’ll find that you are more optimistic and appreciative about yourself and your life.

As a bonus assignment, give thanks regularly to the people in your life... and to life itself... for all that you are grateful for.

Here’s the rub: Life is a beautiful thing we cannot take for granted, as it could be snuffed out at any time. It is important to embrace all aspects of the good and not-so-great as part of the experience, and simply love all that it is, and just as importantly, what it’s not. That’s what unconditional love is all about – loving and appreciating all facets. We are on a journey that has delivered us to this moment for the purpose of learning and growing, but also being conscious and present NOW. Practice being here and paying attention.

I’ll close with a memorable quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” And miss what's so cool about it...and about you.

You Win Because You Say So

2010-07-23T10:29:00.004-05:00

How often do you find yourself completing something – no matter how challenging – to simply check it off your real or metaphoric to-do list with the thought: "Done. NEXT!”? When was the last time you took a moment to recognize and celebrate an accomplishment – not just the “big, hairy, audacious” ones? Americans in particular are really bad at this. We are always so “busy" running around trying to achieve and “win” (and avoid losing) that we neglect to notice that we are already winning constantly – all day, every day.

It is not just the marathon that is a win (which, itself may be a to-do list item) but the journey leading up to the race that contains a whole array of wins. This metaphor of marathon could represent a big goal or task, like raising a child, starting a business, or quitting smoking. Or it could be smaller, like dusting the living room, choosing a healthier meal option, or remembering to breathe. Each of these accomplishments is a win in and of itself. And each supporting task (and conscious choice leading up to that) is a win too. Not by some arbitrary list of criteria, but because we say so.

Let me say that again: it’s a win when you say it’s a win. It lives in your declaration, and it’s completely up to you (no one else) – if and when you want to recognize it as one. Let’s take a goal and break it down into a list of wins:

Goal: Run a marathon.

Making the decision to run. Win.
Registering for the marathon. Win.
Investigating and booking the travel to get there. Win.
Creating a training schedule. Win.
Blocking out time in the calendar to train. Win.
Getting out of bed at 5am, even though you’re tired. Win.
Running 2 miles. Win.
Eating more protein. Win.
Saying "no" to staying out late with your friends on Friday night so you can get up early to train. Win.
Running 13 miles. Win.
Running despite the weather. Win.
Drinking more water. Win.
Getting to the airport on time. Win.
Showing up at the marathon. Win.
Running the marathon. Win.
Celebrating your achievement. Win.
…and there are hundreds more…

The thing is: it doesn’t have to be a marathon. It can be practicing patience with traffic (win), or taking a bubble bath as an act of self-care (win), or choosing to return a challenging phone call when all you want to do is avoid the person (win), or getting your desk drawers organized to reduce clutter (win). You get to say whether it is a win.

This week: look for wins every day -- no matter how big or small.

The whole point in this is to practice being conscious and present, to notice how often you are achieving, and to be proud and grateful for all that you are capable of. It’s not just about crossing something off your list, but to recognize how much it took to get that thing crossed off – in who you’re being, the choices you make, the commitment and perseverance, and in the actions themselves.

Living your life to the fullest is a huge win, but the acts of getting out of bed and showing up are also wins.

It’s Time for a Mid-Year Review

2010-07-05T13:27:00.004-05:00

We just passed the mid-year mark for 2010. How is 2010 going? Are you where you’d like to be? It’s time to go back and review your goals for the year and celebrate what you’ve accomplished, revise as needed, and create some new ones. If you don’t have a 2010 plan, this is as good a time as any to design a road map for where you’d like this next six months to go.

This is a fairly quick, easy process. Here is a step-by-step guide for getting yourself on track for the second half of the year:

Part I - Put the past behind you and celebrate

1. Reflect on the first half of the year. Whether you created goals or not, you had some ideas/intentions about what you wanted to create this year. Honestly answer these three questions:
What have you accomplished that you intended?
What have you accomplished above and beyond what you intended?
What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
2. Acknowledge yourself for both what you have and have not accomplished. Celebrate consciously – without judgment or criticism – both your successes and your lessons. Celebration can come in many forms – from the larger (a purchase, an event, etc.) to the smaller (some form of self-care gift, a metaphoric pat on the back, etc.).

Part II - Assess where you are now

Do the Wheel of Life assessment to check in on how satisfied you are with each area of your life. Take a few notes on which slices of the pie need focus, consider what you want for yourself and your life, and create some objectives.

Part III - Plan for the future

1. Create concrete SMART goals that include both a clear, concise description of what you want to create/accomplish, as well as a time-frame or “by when” date.

2. Put the goals in your calendar. For those that you intend to accomplish in the nearer term, block out chunks of time in your schedule for you to take action. If you don’t make the time, you won’t achieve the goals very easily.

The Value of Saying NO

2010-06-10T19:30:00.011-05:00

Do you realize how important the word "NO" is in our vocabulary? Do you find yourself resisting the word out of fear of looking bad, hurting feelings, or closing the door on something? Do you find yourself saying "YES" more often -- sometimes to people and activities that may or may not fit your larger vision for what you want to be/do in your life or career?

I talk a lot about the importance of creating boundaries in our lives -- with people, activities, commitments -- by saying "NO" so that we can allocate the time, energy, and space to focus on what we really want to be saying "YES" to. This is not coming out of should; rather it coming out of honoring and investing in our vision, values, and mission. My previous post on why it's crucial to create a business plan applies here as well -- not only for business, but for life planning.

Saying "NO" is a source of power and an access to effectiveness. When we choose to close the door on something, we are opening up space for that which is a better fit for what we are creating and committed to. It may be difficult to use that little word in the beginning, but with practice, it becomes easier...and obvious when it's necessary and appropriate.

I had the pleasure of giving a talk on this important topic a few weeks ago at Ines Kinchen's weekly networking group at Flourish Studios in Chicago. I wrote a post last year on "Declaring 'Yes' and 'No'" and am happy to share the content of my talk here.

Consider the following questions:

What are the consequences of saying "YES"?
What is stopping you from saying "NO"?
How is this impacting your available time and energy? …your business? ...your relationships?

Here are some thoughts that are important when considering why/when to say "NO":

Make self-ishness a priority to powerfully manage where your time and energy go -- By filling your cup first, you will know how much you have available to give... without resentment, overwhelm, and overextending yourself.
Identify and align with your values -- Be certain that you are choosing from a place that is in alignment with what you believe in, stand for, and aspire to.
Get clear about what you want and don’t want -- When choosing NO or YES, be sure you are clear about what fits and doesn't fit with your vision, values, and mission for your life and business.
Carefully choose your commitments -- If you want to be effective and powerful in all relationships and activities, you must be discerning about what you say "YES" to. If you want to maintain your integrity and a high level of excellence, you may have to say "NO" sometimes so you have the capacity to fulfill upon everything you commit to.
Create boundaries in your relationships -- Identify who you want in your life, and what you are willing and able to give to your personal, professional, and romantic relationships.
Choose YES -- Don't trap yourself in "should" or "have to." The last thing you need is to feel resentful or obligated. If you feel compelled to say "YES," choose it and commit to it. If you are not going into the relationship or activity willingly and generously, then just say "NO." It won't serve you or anyone to be doing anything you begrudgingly said "YES" to.

Here is a short exercise to help you declare NO and YES to yourself:

Select one area life where you are not satisfied.
Write a complaint or challenge that you believe is underlying your feelings of dissatisfaction. Be specific.
Identify what you want instead. Be specific.
Write a NO statement as a declaration to eliminate what you don’t want in your life.
Write a YES statement as a declaration to support what you really want in your life.
Define a structure that will support you in honoring your NO and YES declarations. It's one thing to make a declaration, but another to design a structure to make sure you can put it into practice.
Repeat steps 1-6 for any area that you’d like to have a breakthrough in honoring your time, energy, or focus.

Example

Area of Life: Career
Complaint/Challenge: My schedule is always packed and I’m constantly running around. I have little reserve time and energy for focusing on the ideas that will make my business really soar.
What I really want is: time to focus on following up and connecting with all the people I meet.
I declare I’m saying "NO" to: giving my time and energy away by over-committing.
I declare I’m saying "YES" to: honoring my values and goals by practicing saying "NO."
Structure: For a week, I will wait at least 30 minutes before committing to anything so that I have time to think about whether saying "YES" makes sense. (Say: “Let me check my schedule and get back to you in 30 minutes.”)

Be vigilant about saying "NO" -- recognizing that it is your key to power, effectiveness, and excellence. Find ways to practice (perhaps by starting small), so you can gradually increase your comfort with NO. By consciously choosing what, where, and with whom you involve yourself, you will have more time and energy to focus on what is most important to your life and career.

The 6 Cs: The Purpose of a Business Plan

2010-06-03T11:57:00.010-05:00

The business plan is an essential tool, not only for the business owner to design the road map for the organization, but for the individual to articulate his or her career path. It need not be a 100-page document with all the "right" words to be effective. In fact, it's better if you keep it clear and concise -- as an evolving representation of your DNA (vision, mission, values) and your plan for moving forward.

This weekend, I will be in Denver co-leading a workshop at the HOW Design Conference called, Chaos to Clarity: Creating Your One-Page Business Plan. I am partnering with Creative Coach RaShelle Roberts for the workshop, and will be joining her team at inVision -- providing coaching to creative professionals. And will of course continue servicing my clients through my own firm, Judah S. Kurtz | Coaching & Consulting.

Here is a sneak peek of some of the content of our workshop. While it is geared toward the design community, this material is relevant for any person -- for both your career and for the design of your business.

The Six Cs: The Purpose of a Business Plan

CLARIFY – To clarify your vision for what you want to create and why. As design professionals, you may just be happy being paid to do what you love. However, it’s important to take this a step further and create a vision for where you want to take your career. Whether you are a business leader, work within a firm, or operate independently, take the time to get clear about where you envision you and your business going. Rather than pushing, you’ll feel yourself being pulled toward your vision.

Are you where you’d like to be?
Have you defined your vision and mission?

CONNECT – To connect to the values you want to live and breathe as an organization. Feeling solid about what’s important to you and how you want to live out your vision will give you more motivation than you could imagine. When you know what you stand for, your mission will be self-evident. And you’ll know on a deep level when you are on or off your “right path.”

Have you taken the time to clarify your values?
Are you honoring what’s important to you?

CHART – To chart a map for how you are going to get there. The bottom line is most of you are extremely visual. Designing a plan and writing the important milestones down makes it so much easier to SEE the way. You will also be able to more easily anticipate pitfalls and road blocks that might get in your way as you move yourself from point A to point B. Once you have it all laid out in front of you, you may be able to devise a scenic route or a couple of side excursions to make the trip that much more enjoyable.

Do you know what you want to accomplish?
Do you know what gets in your way?

CREATE – To create structures that will support you along the journey. Even if you are not a big fan of structure, you can’t deny that organizing your time, energy, and resources makes things so much easier. And your clients love you for it. If you want your vision to happen and your plan to work out, you have to get your ducks in a row. Design systems that work, get the tools you need, and partner with people you can rely on, and set yourself up to win. You may find that when you have structures in place, you have more space and freedom to focus on what you love doing.

Do you know what you need to be successful?
Have you identified which habits no longer serve you?

COMMUNICATE – To communicate to others the purpose and plan so that they can get on-board. Ultimately, your business is about communication. Your work conveys a message – an image, a brand, an identity. So must your business plan. You want people to get who and what you are about. Clearly articulate your vision, values, mission, and map in a compelling way to generate buy-in, energy, and excitement.

Do you know who to share your business plan with?
Are you willing to be honest with the people that matter?

COMMIT – To commit to yourself and gain commitment from everyone who has a stake in your success. It starts with you. If you want others to believe in you, you have to believe in you. Get clear about who you are, where you want to go, and how you’re going to get there. Commit to making it happen, follow your plan, and share what you are up to. Your consistency, dedication, and enthusiasm will attract more business than you know what to do with.

Do you understand the importance of commitment?
Are you willing to do what it takes to make your business really thrive?

The Shameless Plug

I look forward to discussing this rich topic with you further. I'm also happy to work with you individually on defining your vision, mission, values, milestones/goals, and plan for action -- as part of your planning process for your career and/or business. Feel free to contact me for a FREE 30 minute consultation to discuss what you are creating, answer your questions, and see if we are a fit.

Our Gift Is Our Different-ness

2010-05-28T12:10:00.005-05:00

We all battle feeling insecure, inadequate, and flawed. We all still strive to look good -- both in our appearance and in how our actions are perceived by others. We all work so hard to either blend in or stand out – depending on the areas where we feel weakest or strongest. But at the root of it all, we just want to feel loved and appreciated for being ourselves. I recently told a client, “It’s actually not about looking good…it’s about being authentic.” We can waste our energies on fixing our different-ness, or choose to honor and celebrate our unique voices and expressions as a gift.

I have a love-hate relationship with the show Glee. I have found it juvenile and clichéd at times; at others, I have found it to be an inspiring beacon of hope for people of all ages that rolls up High School Musical, the after school special, and Reese Witherspoon’s satirical Election all into one. Recently, I’ve been swinging back in the direction of loving the show because of the Kurt Hummel character -- an out gay teen (who’s only 20 in real life) that has traveled a very similar road of self-discovery that so many of us (gay and straight) have had to travel in discovering who we really are and whether we want to be true to that or not. And not compromising when it becomes difficult.

I came out in 1992 when I was in high school to my family and close friends. Back then, it was not as “easy” as it is today. We didn’t have Ellen, or Kurt Hummel, or clubs in middle school to provide us with positive messages that showed us we are not alone. What we did have was AIDS, gay characters that were the punching bag or murder victim, and the birth of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy. Gays were not very visible, and society preferred it that way at the time. Everything was telling me to stay in the closet and hide my different-ness. But I couldn’t, and I didn’t.

Instead, I forewent the straight-to-college path that so many of my friends did. My journey of self-discovery has taken me around the globe, through undergrad and two graduate programs, and led me to the creation of a unique, pioneering business where I get to be all of me – without apology. In fact, every one of my life experiences to date has been essential to the work I do because my own introspection, growth, and healing contribute directly to the learning and success of my clients and the people in my life.

This blog post is not about gays or coming out. It’s about listening to your inner voice – that wiser self – that knows who you are and wants it to be expressed. It’s about recognizing that you have something unique and beautiful to bring to this life experience, to this planet, and it is your duty to live it fully. Being gay is only one slice of who I am. I am a violinist, a son and brother, a misfit (and “Gleek”), and a voice that guides and teaches. This world would not be the same without me, nor you. It is important for us all to realize how we make a significant and important impact through a diversity of roles, thoughts, experiences, and expressions.

Who are you? Are you a devoted and loyal friend? A loving Mom? A brilliant admin assistant? A painter or writer? An unapologetic lover of kitsch? A cancer survivor? Are you all of these things and more? You came to this life for a reason, and it is your job to discover what purpose you are here to fulfill. Dig in, do the work to discover who your authentic self is, and do us all a favor: Let your freak flag fly. Recognize that you are the same as everyone else… different… and that’s what makes us beautiful.

Love Has Many Languages

2010-05-04T16:23:00.007-05:00

Are you aware of how you prefer to express your love? Do you prefer to say it or show it? How about others in your life – how do they demonstrate love? Do you crave something they don’t seem to provide, or vice versa?

Everybody is different in how they like to give/receive love. A friend of mine and I were talking about our differences in this area, and she mentioned The 5 Love Languages, a book by marriage counselor Gary Chapman. The five languages are as follows:

Words – compliments; affirmations; “I love yous”
Time – full, undivided attention; carving out quality time
Gifts – thoughtful, heartfelt gestures
Acts – deeds and actions; doing a service for another
Touch – physical expressions of affection and caring

I found this concept fascinating, as I consider: who am I? I am a person who focuses more on time and words as my expression. I have a lot of people in my life, and only so many hours in the day. To top it off, I’m an introvert (an outgoing one!) that needs alone time to recharge my batteries. Therefore, I make an effort to create space in my calendar for people I care about – whether it’s seeing them face-to-face, having a conversation over the phone or instant messenger, or emailing/writing a letter to check in and share a bit of my life with them. This is my language of love.

Where the challenge comes in is when I feel like others don’t get my language, and do not honor my time or recognize the gift I’m giving by making space for them. However, I am guilty of doing this to others as well by not recognizing that perhaps their language is different than my own.

When I sit down and think about my family and friends, I can see distinct variations between our expressions. Some like to say “I love you,” while others put a lot of thought into carefully chosen gifts that really speak to my heart. I have friends who are affectionate and give the best hugs ever (the deep, soulful kind)…and others who quietly do things for me as their way of showing their love. Those who speak my language tend to carve out time for one another and honor it like I do.

The cool thing about realizing this is: I can now recognize that not everyone is alike in how they express themselves. I also realize not everyone will get my language of love – and I can at last not take it personally when they don’t show it in my “native tongue.” However, having this new “tool” will also allow me to consider when I might want to speak another’s language so that they can get the experience of feeling loved.

Consider for yourself: what is your love language and how is it similar to and different from the people in your life? By discovering this, you may actually feel greater appreciation for others’ expressions and reorient your expectations. As they say, expectations are premeditated disappointment. So, why not put energy into recognizing each other’s language as valid, versus wanting a native French speaker to communicate only in Japanese and being tripped up when they don’t or can’t?

Suffering Is A Habit

2010-04-26T12:40:00.008-05:00

We all want to be happy. “Happiness is so important, it transcends all other worldly considerations,” said Aristotle. Yet, we manage to make our lives harder than they need to be.

For many of us, our minds gravitate toward (and perhaps even obsess over) what’s not working, who’s a problem, what’s missing, where we’ve failed (or risk failing), and how we are dissatisfied with what is. We wonder why it is this way, and we spend a lot of time attempting to get to the root. Is it effective? Does it produce better results? Sometimes. So we go back to that method over and over.

Even if we typically have a more positive point of view, we worry about, fear, and anticipate what might potentially go wrong – and strategize ad nauseam on how to minimize the risk. We might even embrace the concept that suffering is noble – that it is just part of us or part of life, and that nothing is going to change that. Perhaps we believe that true success requires it… sacrifice, struggle, challenges overcome.

The bottom line is: suffering is something we’ve gotten used to, starting from a young age. Yet, I contend that suffering is not only unnecessary, but is a habit. It’s the default place we go because it’s familiar and has been part of our experience for so long. However, with practice, we can minimize our experiences of suffering by shifting how we think.

Where we choose to direct our attention, thoughts, and actions has an impact on our experience of life. We attract into our world what we focus on. When we focus on the negative, that’s what we get. Conversely, when we choose to look from a positive point of view, we are more likely to get that.

We have a choice. We can shine the light on what we don’t like and don’t want. Or, we can accept what is, then focus on what we want to create – not as a fix-it, but as a burning desire to invest in what’s possible.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Here are a few suggestions of things to try. Pick one or two and see where it takes you.

Ask yourself what you are tolerating, and where your integrity is out, and begin eliminating that physical and mental clutter from your life.
Consider what you are saying "yes" and "no" to, and begin creating some boundaries.
Identify and tame that pesky self-talk that is disempowering you by reading Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carson.
Alter your mental wiring by practicing neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).
Focus on your self-care and make "self-ishness" a priority.
Play with intentionality and who you are choosing to "be" on a daily basis.
Take the Wheel of Life assessment and identify how satisfied you are with the various areas of your life.
Look back at what you’ve accomplished over the past 12-18 months, and create a plan for the next 1-5 years that is based on your values and what you really want.
Play with the No-Lose Decision-Making Process.”
Hire a coach.

Ultimately, how you choose to focus your thoughts will impact your experience. Choose to make yourself happy by investing in minimizing your suffering. It will not happen overnight, and will require practice and commitment. But the rewards are worth it. And so are you.

“Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you to stop suffering.” ~Jane Roberts

Three Minds Are Better Than One

2010-04-17T18:11:00.007-05:00

1 + 1 = 3. Your mind (1) plus another’s mind (1) equals a third mind (3). Picture yourself as a harp or a violin with a luscious expression of its own. Another’s instrument is a concert piano with a distinctive, yet complementary tone that can sing beautifully by itself. However, combine these two voices (or minds) and you create a wholly unique combination that is a beautiful medley of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and power.

A partnership of two people creates a third entity that allows for much more to be accomplished than each person going it alone. As an entrepreneur, I tend to spend a lot of time alone. I don’t necessarily have coworkers or team members to bounce ideas off of, much less to support me through the process of creation, development, growth, and success – unless I seek it out. While there is great beauty in a solo, there is something incredible available when multiple minds and voices are blended in a duet, trio, or ensemble.

Since the dawn of man, people have collaborated to share ideas, nurture and support one another, and to develop, innovate, and build. We know from first-hand experience how beneficial a team can be for brainstorming, defining goals, providing accountability, and generating and sustaining positive energy toward shared aims.

In his landmark book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill goes so far as to say that real, lasting success is not possible without others. That is why he recommended the creation of MasterMind groups to provide that support, structure, and energy that is essential to achieving each member’s goals and dreams.

Putting this into action, two fellow coaches and I have formed a collaborative we’re calling The Power of Three, highlighting the idea that three is a magic number (à la Schoolhouse Rock). On a weekly basis, we will come together to incubate ideas, exchange positive energy, and provide nurturing and support for our endeavors. As an outcome of our brainstorming and collaboration, we will develop weekly pieces for our blogs with the commitment to inspire, connect, educate, and entertain. Each will take the exquisite harmony we create together and render a composition that best resonates for our unique instruments.

In our first weekly session, we defined our shared values and objectives, and outlined what the power of three really means to us. The instigator of our collaborative, Clint Griess, captured the spirit and substance of that first call in his blog entry, titled “The Power of Three: Building Alliances that Last.” The second voice of our trio is Starla King, whose Word Stew is a delightful concoction of poetry, character, and insight.

Applying my initial equation to our trio, you get:

Mind 1: Judah (J)
Mind 2: Clint (C)
Mind 3: Starla (S)
Mind 4: J + C
Mind 5: J + S
Mind 6: C + S
Mind 7: J + C + S

Now, aren’t seven minds better than one?

Practicing “Being” –- Access to the Present Moment

2010-04-01T06:00:00.004-05:00

Practicing intentionality is not only crucial to success, but to being present – in life, with people, in your skin. It is important to ask yourself who you want to be in in the moment, so that you are in a position to choose, rather than just reacting, to what is coming into your experience. In the blog entry on setting intentions, I give an example of how you may apply that to individual situations. Here's a way to extend that to a daily practice.

Every morning, I set out with an intention of who I want to focus on being for that day. For example, I recently chose “being patience” (not just “patient”) as my focus. I thought about the word and what it means – both as an action and as a concept. I practiced by trying to consciously apply “being patience” to everything that came my way – choosing my response rather than simply reacting unconsciously. I don’t make it heavy and serious; rather, I like to have fun with it and see how creative I can be in applying it.

This is how “being patience” looked that day. I asked myself repeatedly, “How can I bring patience (or be patience) in this situation?” Here are a few examples of how I applied it:

Shaving – Being patience with the process (one I don't enjoy) so that I didn’t nick myself
Gym – Being patience with my own limitations and slow progress so that I could refocus on my commitment to health
Phone Call – Being patience with a customer service rep so I could keep calm and create a more positive outcome
Email – Being patience with the amount of time and focus it took to read and respond thoughtfully
Client Meeting – Being patience as a model for my client, and exploring ways he could apply it himself
Myself – Being patience with myself for becoming impatient or not remembering to “be patience” in situations where it would have been useful!

I’m not 100 percent. However, the more I practice, the more often I’m able to apply it throughout the day. It’s not only about practicing the “being” itself, but also about practicing being present enough to be able to choose – moment by moment, situation by situation. Some others I’ve played with are being gratitude, abundance, joyful, playful, passionate…and the list goes on.

How might you impact your experience if you remembered to practice "being" a couple of times (twice is more than zero) throughout the day? It would totally shift your interactions, your ability to be present, and perhaps even how you view yourself.

Setting Intentions: Choosing Versus Reacting

2010-03-29T10:13:00.005-05:00

I am huge on choice, as anyone who has worked with me knows. I believe that it is important to slow the do-do-do action down and look at what we are doing and why. When we are present and paying attention, we are better able to make a choice in the moment that is in closer alignment with what’s important to us. Or not. In either case, it is important to notice when we are choosing (consciously) or reacting (unconsciously). While you won’t ever really have control over the world around you, you do have the ability to control how you choose to respond to any given situation… with practice.

Setting intentions, without being attached to the outcome, puts you in a position to consciously choose who you are going to be and what actions you are going to take. Further, you are more likely to achieve whatever it is you are setting out to do with clarity and focus.

Ask yourself these questions:

Who do I want to be in this situation?
What actions am I willing to take to help this be a win-win for everyone involved?
If there is to be an ideal outcome, what would it look like?
Am I attached to the outcome? If so, how might I let that attachment go?

An Example:

When I am faced with calling someone to have a difficult conversation, I write down my intentions before I pick up the phone. I put down a few bullet points of what I want to discuss to keep me focused. I write who I want to be in the conversation, such as: generosity, honesty, patience, or listening – depending on what’s needed for this particular situation. And I create a vision in my mind of what an ideal outcome would look like (i.e., we both walk away feeling respected and honored, we have a new opening in our communication, etc.).

I also let go of my attachment to that outcome, so I can be present and open to the conversation going wherever it needs to go. I keep that sheet in front of me so that I can continually bring myself back to my intentions and commitment to who I want to be.

This works for all sorts of situations – not just difficult ones. I set intentions for who I want to be before I have a meeting with someone, give a presentation to a group, go on a date (with caution!), and even when traveling to visit family or friends.

Give it a try. Rather than just reacting with a knee-jerk, you’ll find yourself consciously choosing what you want to create and how you want to respond. If you take the time to practice being clear, present, and intentional, you may just turn an exercise into a habit that can serve you well throughout your life.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." ~Aristotle

What Are You Tolerating?

2010-03-18T09:23:00.007-05:00

When we get busy and we have a lot on our plates, it’s easy to watch things slide. Unreturned emails and phone calls, an unclean bathroom, an unpaid bill, a long overdue apology, eating for convenience versus health – these things pile up over time. We become accustomed to tolerating clutter, distraction, and places where we are out of integrity because the pile seems unwieldy and we get overwhelmed.

We make many commitments and some are easier to keep than others. Some are to the people in our lives, where we try to be good friends, partners, family members, employees, citizens. Some are to ourselves, as we strive to be happy, healthy and responsible. When we are not honoring our commitments, there are a number of costs associated:

We feel bad about ourselves.
We create a space for others to be out of integrity with us.
We add to the physical and mental clutter that distracts us.
We sap our power and energy.
We feed our anxiety and stress.

In my life, I have struggled (as many do!) with procrastination. I have come a long way, but I still inflict it on myself now and again – particularly when the task is challenging, ambiguous, or is simply not urgent. I continually do this with filing personal paperwork. When I find myself procrastinating, it usually looks like this: I write it on my daily action list, put it off, then go to bed knowing I did not complete it. I wake the next day and repeat the process over again. This can go on for days or weeks as I suffer a little bit every day with this mental clutter. When I finally do bite the bullet and do the filing, it usually only takes about 20 minutes to complete it. I not only feel a sense of relief and satisfaction that I can finally cross it off my list, but I find myself saying: “Why did I suffer over this for so long?”

Get clear, commit to regaining your power, and get in action:

Start by taking the Wheel of Life assessment.
For each category, list every item that is sapping your power. Get clear about what you are tolerating, where your integrity is out, and what clutter is in your way. Include everything – big and small.
Commit to tackling the list, one action at a time. Recognize that the return on investment is huge, yielding you more time, energy, and peace of mind. You will also open up space for what you really want to show up and breathe.
Create support structures where you need them. Block out time in your calendar so you create the opportunity. Partner with others or ask for help – you don’t have to do it alone. Hire a coach.
Start with the easy stuff and cross them off your list. For the more challenging ones, you may want to commit to taking on ONE action every day.

As you begin whittling down your list, you’ll find yourself compelled to keep your toleration list small. You’ll want to return email and phone calls right away. You’ll keep your work and living spaces more clutter-free – either on your own or with the support of others. You’ll be more cautious about what you say “yes” and “no” to, so you can be sure you can honor your commitments (and not over commit). Eliminate physical and mental distractions, open up space, and regain your power.

"As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Integrity: Honoring Your Word As Yourself

2010-03-11T10:21:00.005-06:00

“We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.” ~Abraham Lincoln

The word “integrity” has a lot of weight to it, particularly as we continue to hear of political scandals, shady business practices, and hypocrisy among people. There are many meanings and perspectives that are associated with integrity, but broadly speaking it is about honoring your word as yourself. It is about following through on what you say you’ll be (values) or do (commitments).

Integrity itself is subjective. It is a code of conduct that we define for ourselves, created from our own personal beliefs and the adopted beliefs of our social systems. We know for ourselves when we have it or not by looking to how much our actions align with our words. When we are “in integrity,” we are honoring our promises to ourselves and others. When we are “out of integrity,” we are failing to stick to what we said we’d be/do.

Ultimately, integrity is neither good nor bad. It is just an evaluation of “what’s so” -- of whether or not we have fulfilled upon what we committed to. More often than not, well intentioned people fall out of integrity simply because they did not have adequate structures in place to support them in following-through on their commitments.

4 Steps to Regaining Your Integrity:

Reflect on what happened on your part that led to you being out of integrity
Clean it up by getting in communication and saying what’s so
Create a new commitment or terminate the agreement
Follow-through and keep in communication as issues arise

EXAMPLE:

What You Said You’d Do: Complete a project for your client by February 28.

What Happened: You got really slammed and you missed your deadline. You’re scrambling to pull it together as soon as you can. It’s March 11 and you have been afraid to contact your client because you feel bad, you’re embarrassed, and you want to have it “more than perfect” now that you are late.

What’s So: You are neither good nor bad. You are simply out of communication and did not complete the work by the date you said you would. You are committed to the work and you want to clean up your integrity.

Following the 4 Steps:

Consider for yourself what happened that had your integrity go out. Be objective and honest with yourself, and don’t make yourself wrong. Were you biting off more than you could chew? Did you plan poorly? Did you commit to a date that wasn’t feasible? Did you fail to create adequate structures (i.e., time/energy management, scheduling, resources, support, manpower, etc.) to achieve your commitment?
Contact your client and own where you are out of integrity. Keep it simple. Apologize, don’t make excuses, and do not lie about your reasons. Provide whatever pertinent details are important to them, but don’t overdo it.
Make a new commitment. This may be on the same terms or may be an altered version of the project. It will have a new deadline. Or it may be a termination of the commitment altogether. But most importantly, make a promise (to them and to yourself) to follow-through on your commitments and be in full communication as issues arise.
Move heaven and earth to honor your commitment. Create the structures you need to follow through. Ask for help if you need it. Communicate well in advance if issues arise that may get in the way of you not being able to keep your word.

Your client may or may not be okay with what transpired. Your client may even fire you. But the most important part is: you got in communication, you cleaned up your integrity, and learned something valuable for the future about yourself and how best to follow-through on your commitments. The key will be to keep your commitment to yourself to honor your word as yourself.

If you cannot or don’t intend to fulfill upon what you say you’ll be/do, then don’t make that commitment.

“Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.” ~Author Unknown

Asking for a Raise or Promotion: What’s in it for THEM?

2010-02-11T13:45:00.009-06:00

Asking for a raise or promotion can be both a scary and empowering experience. Actually, asking for what you want period can be. The fear of the “no” can be disabling if you allow it to. Instead look at this as an opportunity to stand up for what you want and believe – there is nothing really to lose in doing that. If you come armed and ready, you’ll be in a better position to get it. And if you can do it without being attached to the outcome, you won’t feel a sense of defeat or disappointment if it doesn’t go the way you’re hoping. The goal is to be bold, put it out there, and be open to either result.

We are used to considering WIIFM: what’s in it for me? However, the biggest thing that you need to consider when asking for a raise or promotion is the reverse: what's in it for THEM (WIIFT)? While you might have excelled on your last performance appraisal or continue to fulfill upon the requirements of your job, that is "just enough" in this economy. You want to not only go above and beyond in your day-to-day performance, but offer something of added value that only you can provide. But before you go in to ask, do your due diligence... on yourself.

Reflect on what you have accomplished recently, all the way back to about 6 months ago. Write everything down. This may take a few sittings, and you may want to involve a close friend or confidante to help you tease the ideas out. Consider quantifiable, tangible results (i.e., dollars/time saved or gained, percentage improvement in efficiency/quality and how that translates to dollars/time, number of client contracts secured, etc.) as well as the intangible results (i.e., coached an employee into performance improvement, improved morale, etc.). As an ongoing practice, it's good to not only continually keep track of your achievements, but to save emails and other communications where anyone is praising your efforts.

Next comes the PR campaign -- a tricky, but essential part. Hopefully, you've been doing this all along, but if not, start setting the groundwork now. You want people to take note of your accomplishments and contributions, but don't want it to appear as flag-waving. There is a difference between confidently sharing what's been going on with you, and brown-nosing or tooting your own horn. Even worse is arrogance. Casual conversations work great, as do unsolicited updates (perhaps weekly) to your boss about what you're up to and achieving.

Be authentic and honest about yourself and what you bring to the table -- and own your power. However, it is just as important to call out the members of your team who helped you along the way. In fact, sometimes you'll go even farther if you focus on publicly acknowledging the contributions and achievements of others, leaving your impact as implied/presumed (great leaders do this!). And be sure to NEVER blame anyone else for failures -- the buck stops with you.

Next, consider the following questions and answer them honestly:

What are the values and mission of the organization, and are you living and breathing them?
What are the implied values and mission -- what is really going on -- and are you living and breathing that?
What does your business really need NOW, and are you prepared to provide it? Perhaps there is an initiative that is desperately needed that just needs a leader (you?) to make it happen.
What does your boss need and how can you give it to him/her? Making yourself indispensable is huge. Consider where you might be able to volunteer to assist with drafting routine communications or reports. Perhaps you are privy to troop-level information (not gossip or tattling!) that would help in planning that is relevant to the culture s/he is not privy to at the top. Important: Be sure that you won’t be sacrificing your own work and effectiveness in the process (you’ll shoot yourself in the foot and end up looking bad, or alienating others around you).
What are the special skills and talents that you bring to the table that you can either start using or amp up? This blog entry may help you get started. Maybe you have a real knack for writing or selling that could enhance pitches or closing deals. Think back to past roles and areas in your personal life that might serve you on the job.

And most importantly:

What do you want? Be specific... and...
What's in it for them? Be specific.

Once you've done the leg work (hopefully, with the groundwork laid over time), you are prepared to ask for that raise or promotion. Be bold, yet respectful. Ask for what you want, and elaborate authentically on not only your accomplishments and the value you add, but on what they stand to gain by giving you what you want. Help them to see it in dollars and cents (and sense), and to realize the huge asset you are to them. Bottom line: While this is about what you want, you want to help them to get what they want.

If it doesn't work out this round, keep doing the above and ask again. Sometimes it’s just bad timing, or there simply isn’t money in the budget – right now. So don’t get discouraged or take it personally. But you’ll need to also be very honest with yourself about your own performance and, just as important, whether this is the place you want to be. If not, there are larger, more fundamental questions to ponder...

The Quest for Happiness: Values, Vocational Choice, and Meaning in Life and Work

2010-01-16T12:03:00.006-06:00

Throughout history, the concept of “happiness” has been a topic of debate among philosophers, theologians, academics, and laypeople alike. Discussion has centered on what constitutes happiness, how it can be achieved and sustained, and how it sources and results from individual and social well-being. In current times, psychologists have entered the fray, inquiring and researching the very same points in a scientifically rigorous manner. The popularity of this quest for happiness has birthed racks of self-help literature, life coaches, and gurus such as Oprah Winfrey and Anthony Robbins – all hoping to supplement, enhance, and even cash-in on this very fundamental human pursuit. The quest is both ancient and modern, and is echoed in the words of Aristotle: “Happiness is so important, it transcends all other worldly considerations.”

At some point, and often at many points in our lives, we ask the questions: Who am I and what do I want to be (do) when I grow up? Work and career are an important means by which people manifest themselves in the world. For most of us, a large proportion of our waking hours is spent working. Because of this, it is important to an overall sense of happiness that each of us is content in what we are doing on a day-to-day basis. While some labor as a means to an end (and may or may not be happy), there are many who derive a great amount of personal fulfillment and satisfaction from their professions.

These fundamental topics of happiness, purpose, meaning, and choice are a large part of what I focus on with my clients, and were the crux of my Master's thesis at Northwestern University. The study is titled: The Quest for Happiness: An Exploration of Values, Vocational Choice, and Meaning in Life and Work. Using quantitative and qualitative survey data, I examined how those who report high and low levels of overall happiness tend to rate and rank their values, make choices with respect to work and life roles, and how they derive or assign meaning to those choices. Based on a robust sample (thanks to many of my readers for completing the survey!), the results demonstrated that there is a strong linkage between each of these factors, and that happiness and work satisfaction are directly impacted by the vocational and life choices people make.

I recently completed my Master's of Science in learning and organizational change at Northwestern, and am working on a white paper version of my findings. However, I have available three different versions of my thesis for readers:

Full thesis
Thesis without appendices
Condensed version of thesis (omits some findings)

If you are interested in reading this immensely interesting study, please send me an email at info@judahkurtz.com, along with your name, email address, and which version you're interested in me sending. You may also let me know if you are interested in the white paper.

Distinguishing Between Spirit and Soul

2010-01-06T17:28:00.006-06:00

I just started reading a collection of passages from literature, compiled by Thomas Moore in The Education of the Heart. His intention in bringing together this information was for the purpose of showing us "how to cultivate our humanity." Within the section "The Rediscovery of the Soul," Moore introduced the discussion with his own thoughts on spirit versus soul.

I share this with you now because it sparked a paradigm shift. I have spent much of my life focused on my own spiritual evolution but am now realizing I have been neglecting aspects of my soul. I had collapsed the two concepts into one, believing the nurturing of my spirit was the same as nurturing my soul. I look forward to exploring this distinction further, and to the insights and expansion I experience as I dig deeper into my own humanity... focusing not just on the transcending of it.

"Ancient literature makes a distinction between the soul and the spirit, and this important consideration, foreign in many ways to common thinking, has been developed in creative ways by C.G. Jung and especially James Hillman. Although the issue is subtle and complicated, in general terms we can see the spirit as focused on transcending the limits of our personal, time-bound, concrete life. The spirit is fascinated by the future, wants to know the meaning of everything, and would like to stretch, if not break altogether, the laws of nature through technology or prayer. It is full of ideals and ambition, and is a necessary, rewarding, and inspiring aspect of human life.

The soul is, as Jung says, the 'archetype of life,' embedded in the details of ordinary, everyday experience. In the spirit, we try to transcend our humanity; in the soul, we try to enter our humanity fully and realize it completely. Egged on by spiritual ambition, a person might imitate the old saints and go into the desert or the forest to be cleansed and discover a high level of consciousness. Full of soul, a person might endure the highs and lows of family life, marriage, and work, motivated by a compassionate and hungry heart." (p. 12)

"...people are often confused when faced with the traditional distinction between the soul and the spirit, but distinguishing these two dimensions of experience can be helpful. We might notice, for instance, how much we are motivated by the spirit in our concentration on the future, on understanding, and on achievement. We might then see how we neglect the soul, which has complementary but very different values, such as slowness, the past, inaction, feeling, mystery, and imagination....To suggest a distinction between soul and spirit is not to advocate a separation of the two. On the contrary, it seems best to arrive at a place where in effect the two work together, as in a marriage or partnership." (p. 32)

I close with a passage on soul by Marsilio Ficino (Book of Life), excerpted from Moore's book:

"If there were only two things in the world, mind and body, but no soul, then the mind would not be involved with the body, because it is fixed and emotionless and very distant from physical life. Nor would the body have anything to do with the mind, because by itself it is inept and powerless. It is also far removed from the mind. But if soul is placed between these two, adjusted to the nature of each, then one would easily become involved with the other." (p. 15)

New Year’s Resolutions are a Waste of Time

2009-12-31T14:24:00.008-06:00

I have been saying this for years: New Year’s Resolutions set you up for failure and feeling sh**ty about yourself. The resolutions people make are usually about fixing themselves and their lives, based on “there is something wrong here” or even worse, “there is something wrong with me.” It is a losing proposition that doesn’t usually produce the results we seek, nor the sense of commitment, pride, and accomplishment we deserve. Instead, focus on getting clear about what you want -- based on values and personal purpose/meaning -- and then create goals that support that. Create a living, breathing plan for the coming year that you adjust as you evolve and discover more about yourself. Don’t do this all or nothing approach that comes with resolutions.

I believe it important to set yourself up to win. I have an exercise that I do personally, and assign to my clients every year called Looking Back, Looking Forward. It can be done at New Year’s and/or at birthdays (personal new year) and is designed to help you begin your year with energy and excitement. It is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation. So, let’s dive in and start with…

Looking Back

Begin by reflecting on what you have accomplished and learned this past year, so that you can powerfully complete it with honesty and celebration. We so often want to charge ahead into “what’s next” without taking the time to consider all that it has taken to get us here. Who were we being that allowed us to create the successes and lessons? What did we do that gave us all we have? If we don’t take the time to acknowledge this, we miss out on honoring ourselves and our actions…and feel like we are always pushing ahead toward an elusive finish line that never shows itself.

Find a quiet spot to write or type without interruptions. This may be in your home, a peaceful location where you feel at one with yourself, or even a coffee shop. Relax and reflect, without judgment, and record your thoughts. Consider these questions:

What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
What did you learn this year?
What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Below are some topics that you may want to include (for both parts of this exercise) so that you can broaden your scope beyond career, money, and health:

Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
Health: mental, physical
Relationship: friends, family
Love: romance, partnership, dating
Personal growth
Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
Community: contribution, involvement
Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
Fun and recreation
Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
Miracles: something amazing and unexpected…

Try to write down at least 2-3 items in each area, but you may find yourself putting down dozens of successes and lessons. You may also consider working with someone close to you to help capture things that you are forgetting about. Then choose to celebrate the year in some way. It can be something like purchasing a gift for yourself, or it can be an action that doesn’t cost a dime. Whatever way you choose to recognize what you have achieved, the most important part is you consciously take the action with celebration in mind. Some examples may be taking a bath, making a toast or a special meal at home, or even going for a long walk.

Looking Forward

This portion of the exercise is about creating a vision of what you want to be/do/have for the coming year. Think about who you are, what you value, and what is most important to you. Consider what you dream about, who you want to be, and what kinds of activities you would like to participate in.

Then write down, in each of the areas listed above, a few goals and milestones for the coming year. Some are continuations of something you have already been doing (keep smoke-free, continue going to the gym 2x a week), or might be new activities (be open to taking risks, take a vacation). Don’t get too bogged down in the “how” just yet. Just allow yourself the space to be creative and think outside the “fixing” toward what your heart truly wants. Refer to this article for a little assistance. Remember this is about clarity, choice, commitment, and creation.

Some tips:

Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching." Consider this article when writing this.
Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

Now What?

You have reflected on the past year, you have celebrated and put it to bed, and you have created goals and milestones for the coming year. The next step is: action. Remember, these are not New Year’s Resolutions; rather, they are part of your short and long term plans based on who you are and what you really want. Now is the time to jump in. Here are some suggestions for initiating and keeping your goals alive for yourself:

Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.
Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.
Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. Hire a coach. You don’t have to go it alone!
Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it.
Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. See more explanation of this HERE. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.

You Are Exactly Where You Are Supposed To Be…

2009-11-18T13:55:00.004-06:00

…because that is where you are. These words came out of my mouth with a client today, and I was reminded how true it is for all of us to keep in mind. There are many times when we think to ourselves: Why am I here? Shouldn’t I be somewhere else? Shouldn’t I be, do or have something different at this point in my life?

The reality is: you are on a path. You may not be entirely clear where that path is leading, but there is something crucial about the experiences you are having right now. A year from now, you will look back and say: At this time last year, I was going through X and I learned A, B, and C, that got me to where I am today. Trust that, and know that throughout your life, it has always been that way...and it has always worked out in a direction that allowed you to learn crucial information. Your unique journey is necessary for your own growth, discovery of self, and manifestation of goals and dreams.

Cut yourself some slack. Stop focusing on the “shouldas” and focus on the present. Give yourself permission to take stock in where you currently find yourself, and ask: What am I learning? What’s important to me? What are my values and am I honoring them? What do I want to create?

And if you are unable to take an objective, 30,000 foot view of your situation, share it with a trusted friend, family member, or coach. Their points of view (taken with a “grain of salt”) may spark some new thoughts, choices, or direction for reflection. Journal, collage, or just talk it out. But be sure to stop, look, and listen to what life is telling you. Have faith that it’s all happening this way because these are essential lessons for what’s coming next on your path.

Get a JUMP-START with this 4-Session Workshop!

2009-10-01T14:55:00.016-05:00

Dissatisfied?
Feeling stuck?
Need a change?
Not sure what to do?

It's time for a JUMP-START!

Discover what you want and how to get it
Define SMART goals
Design strategies for using your time and energy more effectively
Identify your core values
Recognize your disabling self-talk
Find clarity and balance

Testimonials from June Workshop:

"I feel much more positive about my life in general. I'm happier."
"I think the structure and pace of the class can help people...in most any area of their lives. It also provides people with an opportunity to reflect on where they are and where they want to go."
"This class opened up tons of ideas and opportunities for growth!"
"I'm really starting to feel empowered about setting goals and making good choices for myself...I accomplished a really big goal for myself and am now on the right path..."
"Judah is particularly good at drawing out answers by asking the right questions in a non-threatening or intimidating manner."

WHEN: Thursdays 7:00pm-8:30pm
October 29 and November 5, 12 & 19

WHERE: Center on Halsted
3656 N. Halsted St., Chicago

COST: $195
$20 off before October 15
Judah S. Kurtz - Coaching & Consulting - Since 2000, Judah Kurtz has provided life and business coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to help them find clarity, success and fulfillment. He has expertise in career development, effectiveness, motivation, leadership, and organization and communication skills. He holds degrees and certifications in psychology, training, and organizational development from Northwestern University, has extensive coaching training, and has over fifteen years of experience working with corporate leadership.

Help Me Finish My Thesis – Complete My Short Survey!

2009-09-18T15:19:00.004-05:00

Get some good karma by helping me finish my thesis!! It will only take 10 minutes to complete this short online survey.

I am conducting a research study that examines what connections may exist between values, vocational choice, and happiness. As a professional coach and consultant, I believe this research is relevant not only to individuals in their personal and professional lives, but to organizations and how they can best engage, develop, manage, and retain their people. This research project is the foundation of my thesis and the culmination of my Master’s degree at Northwestern University, in Learning and Organizational Change.

I would be grateful if you could provide your input by participating in this short online survey. It is interesting, fun and really does take only 10 minutes to complete. Click on the link below (or copy and paste it into your web browser). The survey must be completed by Friday, October 2.

http://msloc.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_42RyyJnvbQM7Q5m&SVID=Prod

I am trying to get as many contributors as possible (large data set), so please share this with your friends and colleagues (note: they need to be adults over age 18 that reside in the United States).

Should you elect to participate, your individual results will be kept confidential, and you will be welcome to view the study’s results upon its conclusion in late-fall 2009.

Thank you so much for your help!

Surrendering to The Burning Man

2009-09-15T15:56:00.023-05:00

I bought my ticket. I coordinated my travel. I planned my costumes and bleached my hair. My gear was packed and I was ready to embark on the journey called Burning Man 2009. I read everything I could find on others’ experiences and recommendations for making the most of the Burning Man experience. And nothing could adequately prepare me for what awaited me in the desert… and more importantly, within myself.

What is Burning Man?

For those who are unfamiliar with what Burning Man is, begin HERE and explore the articles and galleries for a taste. Started in the mid-80s in the Bay Area, the event has evolved to roughly 40-50k people descending upon an ancient lakebed (called “The Playa”) in the Nevada desert for eight days of full self-expression without judgment.

Everyone’s experience is completely different. Some camp in tents, others in RVs – in smaller camps of 10 people to larger camps of 100+. There are mohawked children; hundreds of bicycles ( one of the few sanctioned modes of transportation); frequent nudity and various forms of sexual exploration; theme camps where you can find grilled cheese sandwiches at 4am (Black Rock City Diner), a call to paint on canvas walls (Picasso Camp) or a chance to make your own set of decorative horns for your head/hat (Horny Camp); gay and lesbian AA meetings; hundreds of “art cars” in the shapes of dragons, giant ships or anything that can be placed on wheels (many shooting out giant flames to everyone’s great excitement); a Temple where people inscribe and place dedications to deceased loved ones that is burned to the ground on the last night; and everything else you can possibly think of. And of course, there's the burning of the Man itself. It all happens here -- some of the art/performances/activities/themes painstakingly planned, some haphazardly devised last minute (but with passion and enthusiasm). Think quantum creativity… squared. Many come for the art, exhibits, music and experience of community, while others come for the hedonism… or all these things and more.

The one thing everyone has in common is what is termed “radical self-reliance” – on multiple levels. Surviving the heat and dust (wind storms!!) of the Playa is no easy feat. You must bring in all your own camping gear, food, water, and supplies. You must be conscious of not only your fluid and food intake (and sunscreen protection!), but also of what waste you create and how you will dispose of it. What you bring in, you must depart with. Anything considered MOOP (Matter Out Of Place) must not be left on the Playa – as it is everyone’s mission to leave the environment exactly as s/he found it. Crews of volunteers spend a couple of weeks following everyone’s departure tearing down the temporary Black Rock City and combing the desert for every last nail and cigarette butt, every stray boa feather and clump of glitter, so that we “leave no trace” of our borrowing of the Playa.

This self-reliance extends beyond the physical. There are the mental and spiritual experiences of being out in the desert, out of comfort zones, and of traveling the inner journey that everyone inevitably experiences – whether they are aware of it at the time or not. And there is the social piece – of not only participating and finding the right groove and niches that fit for where the traveler is at that point in their lives, but of coordinating, pooling resources, and contributing to the overall experience of the other participants. Upon meeting new people (from the minute I arrived), I was greeted with a hug and “Welcome Home.” “Community” is a huge focus. No money is exchanged on the Playa (beyond purchase of ice for coolers, and the occasional chai tea at Center Camp). Barter and gifting is the culture, and offering to pay for anything can be considered an insult and contrary to the “spirit of Burning Man.” If you need it, someone has it and is more than willing to provide it to you (just in time!) with a generous heart, open hands, and a loving smile. Whether it is a D battery, a bloody Mary, a bandage and Neosporin, or a hug.

My Journey

This year's theme was "Evolution" -- fitting for how I view my experience of life -- an evolution of self and world. Personally, I saw this 10-day “vacation” as an experiment. I am attracted to new experiences, and getting out of my own comfort zones. However, this was to be on a totally different plane. I was going to be traveling with three friends from Chicago, and would be camping with roughly 40 new friends – among 40,000 others. Those close to me were surprised I was going to be doing this, and some even had their doubts that I would be able to handle the heat, dust, and craziness of the experience. While I was curious about how I would handle it myself, I knew I would just dive in and go with it.

As a coach, I could not help but set some intentions for the journey I was to embark upon. I wanted to be present, open to the adventure and was eager to find new ways of expressing myself. I also wanted to be willing to “receive.” I’m a “giver,” so the idea of others simply offering anything to me without expectation was something I wanted to be a part of. And more specifically, I saw this as a vision quest and an opportunity to shed many layers of who I know myself to be and “be with” what is possible for myself and for others… to know myself and my brothers on an entirely new level.

At this point in my life, I am closing some chapters and beginning some new ones. I am wrapping up the last of my formal education -- after roughly 30+ years in various levels of graduate and professional training. I am examining where I want to take my career next. I am exploring how I would like to continue my work in the HIV/AIDS arena. And I’m getting a feel for where I want to call “home” at this juncture in my life. Add all this transition and change to how I view myself personally and socially, and who I want to be in the world in terms of making the kind of impact I was born to make… well, it’s a lot to consider. So, Burning Man was my opportunity to hit “pause” while hitting “fast-forward” at the same time.

While out in the desert, I learned the value of surrender and appreciation. I learned how to be with whatever was put in front of me and to embrace the beauty of it. Whether it was being with my filthy, dust-filled tent (and sleeping bag); celebrating the various forms of public nudity and hedonism around me; deeply connecting with other kind souls; riding a three-story Astroturf-covered slide on a piece of cardboard and taking a chunk of skin off my elbow at 3am; dancing all night and seeing yet another sunrise; doing multiple costume changes throughout the day; eating random bacon slices from a neighboring camp; or thoroughly enjoying a quick shower out in the open (as a break from baby wipes and hand sanitizer) without shame or embarrassment – this was my Burning Man experience. And this does not even capture 10% of what it is all about – for me or anyone else I know.

Now that I’m back, I’ve been gradually reflecting on my journey. I am only just unpacking the experience, and more insight will occur as I continue to participate in life back in the Matrix. Not only was surrender a huge part of it, but so was recognition of my own power -- to survive, be self-sufficient and self-reliant, to receive openly, to give generously (even a stick of gum is an act of generosity when it comes from the heart and is well-intentioned), and to be a part of a community of like-minded, like-spirited people. Burning Man is not for everyone, but I will say proudly that I can now call myself a “Burner” who will eagerly return to the Playa for a completely new adventure.

I saw the face of God while I was out one night in the desert. His face appeared as a sparkling, winking eye (probably Venus or the North Star) surrounded by clouds shaped into a warm, loving grin. He spoke to me: “This is all for you, skeptical one. This experience was created for you and by you so that you will know the Truth. Know that anything is possible, because everything is within you and without you. You have My power and strength because you are Me and I am you. You are never alone because we are One.” In that moment, I felt my heart soften and open even further. And I was at peace as I set out on foot toward the thumping bass in the distance.

Make Self-ishness a Priority

2009-08-06T13:00:00.004-05:00

True, lasting success comes only to those who place themselves first. This may sound selfish -- and it is intended to. Being “self”-ish ensures that you have the strength, energy, and health (physical, mental, spiritual) within yourself to stand firmly so that you have the strength, energy and health to give of yourself to all that you want to be/do in your life. Just like placing the oxygen mask over your face before assisting another on an aircraft, it is important to provide yourself the sustenance you need first so that you don’t black out before you have a chance to make the impact you are intending. The “self” is where you must focus first.

Self-care is the most important thing you can do for others, and the most crucial piece to achievement. When you race at blinding speeds, running your motor for long stretches without a break, you can overheat and end up losing the momentum and distance you have created. It is essential that you keep your engine in optimal condition, filled with petrol, oil, and water, so that you don’t run the risk of grinding to a dangerous halt before you reach your destination.

Self-ishness requires that you consider where you are putting your time and energy. Do you do-do-do without taking the time to replenish your energy stores? Are you feeling tired, stretched, and maybe even unfulfilled? Are you continually saying “yes” because you feel like you should, or that you will fail if you don’t? Do you resist saying “no” because you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or risk looking bad?

It is time to take a look at your commitments and see if they are still in alignment with what you really want and who you want to be. Evaluate all you are saying “yes” and “no” to in your life. These may include commitments at work and home, in your social life, or even in your love life. Consider distractions as well, such as physical or mental clutter (e.g., a messy living space, expired relationships, etc.) as areas where you may also be saying “yes/no.” Take the Wheel of Life assessment to identify how satisfied you are with various areas of your life.

Take an honest look at what is working and not working – what you are committed to and what you are merely tolerating. This is the time when you need to consider creating some boundaries for yourself and others. Your objective is to use your time and energy only for what you care about; otherwise, clear it out and make space for what is really important to you.

To be our best selves, we have to make the investment. Commit to honoring your values. Share what you want and what you are up to with with others to gain support, encouragement, and accountability. Ask for help if you need it, and don't be afraid to partner with others to reinforce your growth and contribute to theirs. Be vigilant about carving out time for self-care – whether that is dedicated relaxation time, a dental appointment, reading for pleasure, or even a session with a coach or therapist. Put it on your calendar and treat it with the same importance as you would a meeting with your boss.

When you are conscious about who you want to be and where you want to put your time and energy, you are setting yourself up to win. It is only by taking care of yourself first that you will truly be effective, fulfilled and energized. Make self-ishness a priority so you can be your best self in all areas of your life.

Channeling Pollyanna

2009-07-01T16:10:00.005-05:00

I will be the first to admit that being called “Pollyanna” is not usually a compliment, connoting someone who is excessively and even blindly optimistic. I have found the idea of Pollyannaism to be annoying and unrealistic. However, I recently happened across the film (based on the book by Eleanor Porter) on cable, and was able to see it with new eyes. Pollyanna was a young girl who came to a small, uptight town after her parents died and ended up making a huge difference in people’s lives. She helped them to see another point of view – a more positive one that better served them. And in the end, they were grateful and returned the favor by coming to her side when she was in need of love and support after a debilitating accident that crushed her spirits.

Pollyanna is about perspective. She played the “Glad Game,” which involved taking a bad situation or issue and asking the question, “What can we find that’s good about this?” It’s not about making up something that is not true, or about ignoring the realities. It is about acknowledging what may be so, and taking it a step further by shifting focus and attitude toward something positive.

I have been playing with this for a few weeks and have found that there are so many default perspectives I have going on within me that tend to focus on the negative. While they may help highlight areas where caution is needed (warning), or where empathy toward another is warranted (when the situation involves someone else), these points of view only get me so far. What I’m most interested in is how can I take heed, but create a more positive outlook at the same time? I believe in the power of choice. When presented with a situation where I may have a variety of points of view, I want to choose a perspective that empowers me.

There has been a lot of press about the Law of Attraction. In essence, it says “like attracts like.” Our thoughts, as demonstrated in quantum physics, have the power to shape our experiences and the world around us. So, if we think negatively about something (e.g., “I’ll never get out of debt” or “I know I’m going to screw this up”), we tend to get exactly what our mental vibration is putting out. In contrast, if we focus on the more affirming perspective (e.g., “There is an abundance of money out there and I just need to find it” or “I am a strong, intelligent person who will do an excellent job here”), we are more likely to attract that. This could also be explained simply by the power of our own beliefs – when we believe we can or can’t, we’re usually right.

If the Law of Attraction or Pollyanna sound hokey or completely out in left field, consider this: Wouldn’t it be better to go through our days feeling good about our experiences, to channel something positive, and to open our eyes to what’s possible? Wouldn’t we rather choose a perspective that allows our minds to refocus on what’s amazing in our lives versus what’s missing and broken? I challenge you to practice playing with positive perspectives and affirmations every day for a week and see how your attitude and experience shift.

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2009-05-23T13:54:00.021-05:00

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Declaring YES and NO

2009-05-19T10:14:00.004-05:00

Many of us are in the habit of squelching our true desires and living by someone else’s rules. Saying what we want and don’t want can sometimes be one of the hardest things a person can do. As children, many of us were told what to do, how to act, to keep our heads down and our mouths shut, and we accepted these directives as guides for “appropriate” behavior.

As adults, we often continue to live like this without identifying and saying what is true for us today. Being good boys and girls takes precedence over our real desires out of not wanting to offend, create conflict, risk censure, or venture too far outside of comfort zones. There are many costs to this approach to life – specifically, full self-expression and living life on our own terms. As adults, it is our duty to live in alignment with our values…and that starts with getting clear.

There is nothing selfish about identifying our wants and needs and making them known. There is nothing wrong with creating boundaries with people in our lives (personal, professional, romantic). By defining our desires and creating parameters in the world, we are shaping our experience. We are being true to what is important to us, standing up for ourselves, and taking responsibility for creating versus reacting to our world. And we are modeling behavior for others by giving them permission to do this for themselves.

This starts with the act of declaration. Declare what you want and don’t want by identifying what you are willing to say YES to and what you are willing to say NO to. These statements will be pretty obvious when you look at your common complaints or challenges, or even where you notice where you have a strong commitment to something or someone.

Start with the statement: “I declare I am saying [YES/NO] to...”

For example, in the area of money, a YES statement might look like: I declare I am saying YES to putting $50 a week into my savings account. In the same category, a NO statement might look like: I declare I am saying NO to going over my budget each month. In relationships, it may be “YES to giving love without condition” and “NO to going to bed angry.”

Create a list with 5-10 YES and NO declarations in each category. Look over the various areas of the Wheel of Life to get some ideas for categories. Some suggestions: Career, Money, Relationships, Family, Time Management, and Health.

By getting clear and declaring what you want and don’t want, you are raising your level of awareness and giving yourself the possibility of choice in the moment. When next confronted with something that counters your wants/needs/declarations, it will be more obvious to you what choice you really want to make. You can choose to honor your declaration, or continue to act unconsciously with knee-jerk responses.

How Do I Know What I Think Until I Hear What I Say?

2009-05-09T15:58:00.008-05:00

This paraphrase of an EM Forster quote is one of my favorite questions, because it points to the importance and value of getting thoughts out of your head and into word form. It is not until we are forced to articulate our ideas that they take real shape and we can gain clarity around what our thoughts are really about.

I am a huge advocate of journaling, and have been doing it regularly for over two decades. It has allowed me to process through emotions, frustrations, blocks, and to even brainstorm and plan strategically. So many of the exercises I do as a coach require identifying and generating current and new thoughts – and recording them. If you are more visual, mind mapping is a useful technique for organizing ideas in a productive way.

Another approach I use a lot is dialogue. I sit down with a friend, or my coach, and deeply and honestly talk through what I’m thinking. It is particularly important for the person to be someone trustworthy and who has skill in listening and asking good questions. Working with a coach is one of the most powerful relationships out there for creating this experience. However you choose to approach this, just having someone to share with can make a huge difference.

Have you ever noticed that when you get something out of your head (off your shoulders/chest), you often gain insight or clarity? You may even feel better – having unburdened yourself, or released the emotional charge. More often than not, dialogue with yourself (journaling or doing an exercise) or with others will unlock new ideas and questions – providing you an opening that wasn’t available before when you were turning the thoughts over and over and over again (ad nauseum) in your head.

Values -- Awareness, Choice, Alignment

2009-05-04T09:00:00.007-05:00

We are much more satisfied, effective, engaged, and motivated in life when we are connected to a sense of purpose and values. In every choice we make, every action we take, there are values underneath we are honoring or not. We may not be able to articulate those values, but they are there – and we reap the benefits, or pay the price, every time we are in or out of alignment with them. But it starts with conscious awareness.

When we get hungry, we eat. It may be because, for example, we value health and well-being and therefore choose to provide our bodies with sustenance; or we are simply putting food in our mouths out of habit or craving. Were we conscious or were we operating on auto-pilot?

Powerful living comes from being at choice – paying attention, evaluating the options, and choosing which we want to be/do/have (see HERE).

I am reminded of a version of the story about three bricklayers. When asked why they do the work they do, each responded respectively:

1) for the money
2) for my wife and kids
3) because I’m building a cathedral

Most would say #3 is the best answer. However, I contend that if the person identifies what has meaning for them and they choose based on what is important to them, they are in alignment with their values -- and thereby much more content and satisfied with what they are up to.

In the responses above, money might align with the values of freedom or the ability to fund education or other important endeavors; wife and kids might relate to providing a home or having more time to spend together; building a cathedral could be about higher calling or making an impact. Each response could be aligned with each person’s core values.

Get Clear About What You Value

Rank Them - Start by ranking your top 10 values in order of importance. Dig in deep to find out what those values really are about. If you place “family” as number 1, what does that really mean? Is it about connection, dedication, trust, duty, love, or a combination of these and others? Perhaps there are a few values that come out of that and can be placed on your top 10 list.

Honor Them - After you have ranked your values, place a percentage next to each one (0-100%) to indicate how much you are honoring each value currently. For instance, if “integrity” was at the top of my list, I might say I am honoring it at about 50%. Knowing that “integrity” is my number 1 value, what might I want to shift in what I’m being/doing to bring it up to 90%? Keeping it top of mind, how might I make different choices in my day-to-day to begin shifting how I approach my commitments and my follow-through?

Knowing what you are about is the first step toward living a life with intention and purpose, ultimately bringing greater rewards, satisfaction and fulfillment. Take the time to articulate them and choose - don't just act unconsciously.

Staying with the Question

2009-04-25T15:31:00.005-05:00

Human beings tend to be very impatient. We take a look at an issue and want to jump straight to the solution or answer – especially when it comes to our personal lives – to minimize the pain and difficulty as much as we can. However, as many of us have noticed, these often don’t provide adequate resolution, because we didn’t stick long enough with the analysis phase to really get to the core of what is going on.

There is an approach from design thinking that focuses on questioning the question – taking a look at all sides, and even pondering whether we are asking the right question to begin with. By staying with the question, we open up space for innovation, reflection, and even for the answers to reveal themselves serendipitously (Einstein, among many others, have done this).

I was talking with a friend today about some significant life events and issues that we have in common. I tend to be rational and logical up-front, and have to allow some time to allow the emotions to process themselves out; in contrast, she tends to have a much more emotional response up-front, and must allow her mind to process and discover the connections over time.

As uncomfortable as it can be at times, we both know from experience that there is value in sitting in ambiguity for some time to allow for the whole picture (both internal and external) to reveal itself. If we rush too quickly to a resolution, we will most definitely have to revisit the issues over and over until we identify and deal with the many facets (mental, emotional, relational, practical, tactical, etc.) we probably glossed over.

This concept reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from Postcards from the Edge, the movie based on the Carrie Fisher novel about her and her mother, Debbie Reynolds. The scene involves Gene Hackman (playing a film director, Lowell) and Meryl Streep (playing Suzanne, an actress dealing with some tough life questions).

Lowell: Growing up isn't like in a movie where you have a realization and life changes. In life, you have a realization and your life changes a month or so later.

Suzanne: [sarcastically] So I just have to wait a month?

Lowell: It depends on the realization. Some of them you only wait a couple weeks.

Stay with the question. Don’t rush straight to easy and quick answers, as you are doing yourself a disservice. While we all want solutions and resolution right NOW, it is the question that holds much of the power. The process can be just as, if not more important than the result (a related blog entry HERE).

Offer it up to the universe; open your eyes, heart, and mind; and pay attention. Pray, journal, talk to friends, give yourself permission to be okay with the confusion and ambiguity, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. All the components of the multi-dimensional answer will reveal themselves when you allow space for them to show up.

An Honest Self-Assessment – Being Proactive Versus Reactive

2009-04-22T13:53:00.007-05:00

Having feedback on how you are seen by others will provide you some great information, but only to a point. It is important to then take stock on your own experience to really catapult those insights to the next level. As a continuation of the previous entry on collecting 360 feedback from people in your life, consider who you are, what you want, and how satisfied you are with how you are experiencing your life.

1. Start with the Wheel of Life assessment and print it out for your own reference. Follow it up with the questions from the Results section. That could be enough to get you started.

2. Then sit down and write out at least 10 responses to complete each of these sentences. They are simply rough cuts. Don’t censor yourself – just put it all down and you can refine later. Refer to the Wheel categories to help you to think about all areas of your life.
Part A. One of my strengths is that…
Part B. Things don’t work well when…
3. Once done, take a break and allow yourself to digest what you’ve done so far. Take a walk, or even sleep on it. Celebrate that even getting this far will spark some new thoughts. It is a major achievement for you to be honest with yourself and to take a direct look at what’s going on with you.

4. Return to your Wheel and lists. Review what you have created; toss out those statements that don’t seem to fit or make sense, revise where appropriate, and add anything new that comes to mind.

5. Review your strengths from Part A regularly, especially when you are feeling stuck or discouraged. Add to your list as you realize additional ones. Ideally, your list will grow and grow over time as you become more conscious of what you bring to the table of life.

6. Look again at the list from Part B. Rewrite your most limiting problems as goals (HERE is a post that can help). It is possible to transform these problems into possible solutions. For example, the statement, “I tend to overdraw my checking account every month” could become a goal of, “I will monitor my account balances daily and decrease my spending so that I do not overdraw my checking account.”

7. Finally, do what you say you’re going to do. Take action and celebrate the results. Return to this exercise regularly so you can keep things in check.

Take stock and regain your power. By being honest with yourself and acknowledging both your strengths and areas you'd like to transform, you are placing yourself in the position to make some choices that will best serve you. In life, being proactive and not just reactive opens up so many possibilities.

360 Feedback from People in Your Life

2009-04-16T10:46:00.004-05:00

So many of us have received 360 feedback from colleagues at work, but imagine what could be gained from getting feedback from people in our lives?

I contend that it is rare that we actually talk about who we are to them, and who they are for us. Many of us are so scared of vulnerability (see HERE), we miss out on some of those amazing moments and incredible exchanges that can truly deepen the relationship.

Consider seeking out a 360 by interviewing people in your life. Take on a mix of some easy ones and hard ones. I have done an exercise like this before, and was shocked by some of the amazing responses I got from people I didn’t expect. From the positive and complimentary, to the zingers and stingers – it was all very valuable information. And in every case, I opened up a new level of relatedness to the person that allowed future such dialogue to be much easier to initiate.

Set up the conversation (or email if you aren’t ready for something “live”) by expressing your interest in gaining insight from the people who are important to you, whose opinions you respect. Ask them to be straight-forward, and that you won’t hold anything against them. Tell them you will only need about 15 minutes of their time. Write some questions ahead of time, or use a few of these:

What do you see as my strengths?
What do you see as my weaknesses?
What works in our relationship?
What doesn’t work in our relationship?
If I were meeting you for the first time, how would you like me to see you?
Is there anything I’ve said or done that left you (or others) upset?
Is there any place you feel incomplete with me? Any place you don’t feel acknowledged?
What talents/skills do you feel I could develop more fully?
Where do you see me in 5 years?

What is available here is a chance to open up a conversation, to rid the room of white elephants, to refresh the friendship, to create a stronger bond through transparency, and the list goes on. You might actually get some amazing insight and praise to boot!

Focus on the Process, NOT the Result

2009-04-10T10:21:00.006-05:00

I am as guilty as anyone of getting wrapped up in the future and losing sight of the present. However, when I do become conscious of what I’m doing – robbing myself and my experience – I take a step back and say: “Hold up a minute! My life is happening right now!”

I have shared before the idea of the Be-Do-Have Model. We often get so wrapped up in the go-go-go (the do-do-do) and what we are trying to have on the other end, that we forget who we are being in the moment and what/who we want to be to create our lives and experience. We can even forget the reasons why we were pursuing all we are up to in the first place.

There is something really wonderful (and liberating) about letting go of the results-focus and recognizing that we are on a journey. There is a point to the process – to learn, to grow, to travel a path, to live in this very point in time. And when we can recognize that process as the actual objective (dare I say the real result), we open ourselves up to a whole new perspective.

Keep yourself inspired by releasing the grip on the future, and settling into the ride as what it’s all really about – the journey, not the destination. In that space, many more options may open up – even better ones that you could not have noticed in your single-mindedness – that may blow the result you were originally trying to achieve out of the water!

You Are A Creative Genius

2009-03-10T08:00:00.004-05:00

The words “creativity” and “genius” have taken on many meanings – often reserved for those with unique intelligence and talent. However, these terms were originally intended to be far more inclusive than they have become – pointing to something we all possess.

I see creativity as an act of creation. It can take the form of an art or a science, but can also show up as any sort of innovation or divergent thought that is manifested in the world in some way. This can occur as a created moment, a relationship, or in directing a passion or belief in a particular way. It might be tender parenting, or birthing a business, or a thoughtful conversation where both parties are present and engaged.

Sometimes creation is wholly inspired and seems to simply flow; other times it can be challenge and struggle. Whatever the experience, the beauty of creativity is that we all have access to it in our own unique ways. It is the channeling of something bigger than us through us – an access to the divine created right here on earth in our experience. The origin of the word "genius" comes from this same place. The Ancient Romans did not see genius as something that a human possessed, but something that was granted from outside of us (the Gods) – directed through a human as an expression and an assistant in creation.

Each of us has creative genius available when we are able to slow down and open ourselves to our true voice (see the post: “Finding Your Voice”). Whether you believe in a higher power or not, you have the ability to tap into who you are and what you are passionate about to manifest your creative genius in the world.

For a really awesome discussion of this topic, see the video below of Elizabeth Gilbert speaking at the TED Conference in February. She wrote the well-received book, Eat, Pray, Love, and offers an inspiring, thoughtful, and often humorous perspective on bringing all of yourself to your creation. It's well worth the 19 minutes.

Decision-Making: No-Win or No-Lose

2009-03-07T09:00:00.013-06:00

For many people, making a decision (whether big or small) can be a difficult process. Terrified of making a wrong choice or a series of mistakes, we can get stuck in analysis/paralysis – afraid to make a move and suffer the potential consequences.

We play the “what if” game of “what if I go this way and that happens… what if I go that way and it doesn’t work out…?” Am I going to get it right? What will people think? Am I going to fail? Or, even scarier, am I actually going to succeed and what will that mean? And if we can bring ourselves to make a decision, we get caught up in a nail-biting session: Did I do the right thing? Now what? Etc. etc. etc. All so exhausting!!

What about focusing on the potential wins instead? Instead of trying to be perfect and get it "right," what if we were to remember that every “mistake” is actually a ripe opportunity to learn something valuable – regardless of the outcome of our decision? This is where perspective shifting can come into play – changing your world entails changing your view on how you think about it.

Dr. Susan Jeffers, in her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, has a smart approach to decision-making. To follow is a discussion of her two models and how you can shift your perspective to assist in your decision-making process. You get to choose either No-Win or No-Lose. Based on name alone, which already seems more appealing?

Let’s first consider the No-Win Model, where we: 1) see the world through the lens of a continuous reassessment of the situation, 2) fear the future and potential mistakes, and 3) keep looking back and berating ourselves for what we “could/should” have done differently. To top it off, this can all lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing our own sense of doubt and lack of confidence – which we carry into our next decision to start the cycle over. The experience is tedious and frustrating, and is a big waste of energy and emotion. Even if we did end up with a "win," we lost peace of mind along the way.

Let’s next consider the No-Lose Model. Here, we look at the journey more than the destination. Rather than focusing on the "right/wrong" result, we choose to focus on the path as what is right. Regardless of the outcome, it's "no-lose." Throughout, we are given opportunities to have a new experience of life, to learn and grow, and to discover what we are about. We can toss out the “what if’s” and consider the potential and possibilities. Perspective is everything.

No-Lose Decision-Making Process

Before Making a Decision

Focus immediately on the No-Lose Model. Affirm to yourself, “I can’t lose – regardless of the outcome of the decision I make. The world is a place for opportunity, and I look forward to the opportunities for learning and growing that either pathway gives me.” Focus on what can be gained and push away thoughts of what can be lost.
Do your homework. Talk to the “right” people (those who support your learning and growing), seek out feedback on your plans from experts and people you trust (swallow your pride!), and get your facts straight. But don’t get caught up in perpetual research; draw a line for yourself of when enough is enough.
Establish your priorities. Consider your values and vision and which pathway is more in line with your overall goals for your life. Remember that we are constantly evolving and it is important to consider where you stand NOW versus where you “have always stood” or where others “think you should stand.” Pay attention and don’t be afraid of being honest with yourself.
Trust your impulses. After you’ve done all the research, considered your alternatives, and have come up with the logical choice, do a gut check. Don’t be afraid to trust what you feel, as the subconscious is often sending you messages as to what is “right” for you at a particular point in time. Reflect on past experiences of when you did or did not make choices in alignment with your impulses/instincts/gut – and how those turned out. That alone might give you the confidence to move forward, or even to go back and reevaluate. There are no right or wrong choices, just different ones.
Lighten up. Nothing is as significant as you are making it. If the results of your decision do not go according to “plan,” so what! You can always sort it out…you always have! This is all part of the journey in life. Chill out and go with it.

After Making a Decision

Throw away your picture. You can’t control the outcome nor predict the future, so let go of your expectations and image of how it’s “supposed” to go. The more freedom you give yourself, and the more space you give the choice, the easier it will be for you to roll with the process and journey.
Accept total responsibility for your decisions. If you can own your choice, you can own your learning as well. Blaming others will not offer you the ripe opportunity for growth, and will put you in a "victim mode." Even if you were operating on information from another, the ultimate choice was yours. Own it and you can own the opportunities it afforded you.
Don’t protect, correct. Commit and follow-through with everything you can. But don’t become so fixated on the choice that you are unwilling to recognize when a course correction is necessary…or even more wisely, when it is time to choose something different. Ego and attachment can only hurt you here. Give up your desire to look good, and your fear of looking bad if you change direction. Ultimately, it is the quality of your life experience at stake.

If you really, really, really want to put yourself through the wringer and feel terrible throughout the process, you can choose the…

No-Win Decision-Making Process

Before Making a Decision

Focus on the No-Win Model.
Listen to your mind drive you crazy.
Paralyze yourself with anxiety as you try to predict the future.
Don’t trust your impulses – listen to what everyone else thinks.
Feel the heaviness of having to make a decision.

After Making a Decision

Create anxiety by trying to control the outcome.
Blame someone else if it doesn’t work out as you pictured.
If it doesn’t work out, keep wondering if it would have been better the other way.
Don’t correct if the decision is “wrong” – you have too much invested.

It’s completely up to you. However, the No-Lose Process seems far less painful.

Are You Really Listening? Probably Not.

2009-03-02T16:25:00.012-06:00

Imagine what it would be like if you felt heard – not just listened to, but like someone fully got what you were communicating. Now, flip that around. When was the last time you fully heard someone else?

So much emphasis is placed on messaging and oratory skills. But very little time and energy is spent on developing facility with the act of listening. Some people are simply gifted with this skill, but more often than not, listening must be practiced and developed. It requires that the person on the receiving end is able to turn off that inner voice/critic to consciously absorb the words and messages that are being sent.

When I went through coaching training, a great amount of the focus was on the varying levels of listening. They were broken down as follows:

Level I is internal – we hear the words, but the focus is on what they mean to us
Level II is focused – the attention is about listening for something…focused over there, on the other person
Level III is conscious and global – it is hearing that picks up the various nuances underlying the communication, including sensory data (emotion, body language, mood, pace, energy level), and the context and environment.

Most of the time, people are listening at Level I. Hopefully, they are at least hearing the words that are being spoken, but often they are disconnected, evaluating or judging the message (they think they are hearing!), or thinking about what they will say next.

Level II and III listening are so much more powerful. It is not about passively hearing, but about taking action through listening. In those experiences, you are not only connecting to the actual message as it was intended, but to the person him/herself. In that space, you open up the ability to co-create a true dialogue where each person feels heard, valued, and respected. Finally, by modeling active listening, you are encouraging the other person to listen actively as well.

Here are some suggestions.

W.A.I.T. – “Why am I talking?” is a great question to ask yourself when you feel compelled to interject. Is what you're saying or about to say really contributing? Are you piggybacking or stealing the topic (“I can completely relate. It reminds me of the time…”)? Or are you simply trying to show how smart or compassionate you are?
Curiosity – If you find your mind wandering because you are not fully engaged or are even confused, bring curiosity to the table. Refocus your attention on more than just the words and try to deeply listen for what is going on over there in the speaker’s world. Ask questions to delve deeper into the topic.
Be other-directed – Focus on the person communicating. Follow and understand the speaker as if you were walking in their shoes. Listen with your ears but also with your eyes and other senses.
Be aware – Non-verbally acknowledge to yourself points in the speech. Let the argument or presentation run its course. Don't agree or disagree, but encourage the train of thought.
Be involved – Actively respond to questions and directions. Use your body position (e.g. lean forward) and attention to encourage the speaker and signal your interest.

These may seem obvious, but most people don’t bring this level of listening to their conversations. Consider for a moment that what you thought was listening is actually just hearing. Like a scientist, throw out your assumptions and ego and assume that you are not well-adept at listening. Think about what you could shift when in the moment, and practice being present with your ears and heart open. By simply changing your focus, you may discover something new about the message or even about the person.

Do something • Learn something • Share something • Change something

2009-02-17T13:40:00.008-06:00

In the spirit of my last entry on "Craving Connection," I found this awesome resource that provides opportunities for people to find/meet like-minded people. This great site, called MeetUp.com, allows you to search by region/city/zip and topic for groups that fit your areas of interest. From hiking groups to dining clubs to business networking, this site has it all.

An additional feature is the ability to create a new group from scratch. Perhaps you have been wanting to create a coffee tasting club or a group for new moms. Here's your chance to put it out there and see what kind of response you get. If there is enough interest, you could coordinate a meeting. The best part: just because you came up with the idea doesn't mean that you have to lead the whole thing. Just start the ball rolling and enroll others into driving it.

Put yourself out there! Invent something new! Here's your opportunity to create connections!

Craving Connection

2009-02-07T15:16:00.002-06:00

In this world of constant “connection” through technology, we are desperately craving intimacy. We want to create genuine connections that allow us to feel closer to the people in our lives.

Tech has done wonders for our ability to link up with old and new friends, particularly through online social networking. As many know, there is a huge trend on Facebook of people sharing 25 random things about themselves. What is so intriguing about this is the way that it creates a sense of connection to the authors. People share their wit, their hearts, their uniqueness in each entry that help us feel closer to them in some way. We are reminded of some of those quirky things that make that person so attractive to us. Or we discover new things about someone we don’t know very well.

However, there is something missing here. We have instant messenger, texting, social networking, email, etc. to keep in frequent contact with friends and family. But how often do we have a live conversation? Sure, it can be easier to shoot off a series of emails or have a chat on IM, but it costs us something. We rely so heavily on tech to keep up, but we are missing out on what is created in the live human exchange. There needs to be a balance. We need to move away from the screen and into rich dialogue. No emoticons to convey tone. Instead: real inflection and expressions.

Consider how you might be able to create live conversations with friends and family. That may be in the form of a telephone call, or even better, an actual face-to-face. It might require a plane flight to do it, but you are creating an opportunity for richer relationships that are less high tech, and more high touch. I’m still a huge fan of Facebook and all our great communication tools. However, I want to see us break out of this habit of living many of our friendships in front of a computer – and making the effort to create those live interactions that deepen our connections.

Vulnerability

2009-01-28T17:08:00.002-06:00

One of our deepest fears is being truly vulnerable. We all want to look good, to appear like we “have it all together,” and to not let anyone know that we may be hurting or struggling. How American! But there is something available to you and to others when you allow yourself to enter that vulnerable space.

When I talk about being vulnerable, I’m referring to that lay-it-on-the-line, put yourself out there honesty and risk that goes with sharing your whole self with someone else. It might be with one person, such as in a romantic situation, or with a group where you are disclosing something deeply personal, or even with yourself by admitting a hard truth that may feel difficult to be with.

When you are able to be honest with yourself, you are allowing an opportunity for growth. You may discover a blind spot or an attribute/attitude/opinion that is getting in your way. When you choose to share with others, you are not only letting them in and giving them a chance to connect with you, but you are creating space for them to be honest and vulnerable with you and/or with others. You may even be speaking something that resonates strongly for them, even if they are not able to admit it to themselves or you. By being bold and courageous, you demonstrate something powerful and give others permission to do it in their own lives.

I tend to be fairly public about what I’m going through in my personal life. With specific friends, I share so that I can get their input and perspective, and even open the door for them to reveal some things I can’t see for myself. On a larger stage, I try to disclose some uncomfortable truths as a way to practice vulnerability, and to create that space for others to feel safe with me (and maybe even others!) to share themselves more openly and honestly.

Consider for yourself when you notice your walls going up. What are your fears? What is stopping you? Where might you summon some courage and speak your truth? You may be surprised to find that the response you get is not the one you feared.

Finding Your Voice

2009-01-23T19:40:00.004-06:00

I have been in an inquiry lately about finding Voice. Voice can be defined as your calling; your “true self” expressed; who you are meant to be in this world and lifetime. It includes the four aspects of ourselves: the mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Dr. Stephen Covey (distinguished author, speaker and consultant) notes that each of us is internally motivated to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy. Ultimately, this is what drives us in our pursuits, even if we aren’t fully aware of it. Covey offered up these questions to help distinguish the different facets of ourselves that make up Voice:

1. Mind: What are you good at?
2. Heart: What do you love doing?
3. Body: What need can you serve?
4. Spirit: What is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do?

Consider these questions for yourself. They are very meaty and take some honest introspection and reflection. This is a gradual process, but the key point is to set yourself on the path. What might you, your family and friends, your community, and the world gain from you taking the time to explore how you can fully share your Voice?

On a Personal Note

This topic is a priority for me. I am still finding my Voice. I have invested many years in my own personal and professional development, have defined my larger purpose (I have a mission statement I’m happy to share), and have expanded as a human being in so many ways. But I am still tentative in my full self-expression because of my propensity to be a “good boy.” I want to look good, be good, do good, and not hurt anyone along the way. So, I find myself repressing at times when my Voice is aching to be heard. It not only is a detriment to me, but is ultimately robbing the planet of who I was born to be. As I continue on this journey, I’ll share what occurs for me that may be of service to you.

More, Better, Different

2009-01-17T15:23:00.007-06:00

When setting goals, I have seen clients and friends say they want more of something or for things to get better or be different. This can show up as wanting to lose more weight, make more money, or get a better job. However, by being vague, it is difficult to know when you have achieved your objective. And it is also challenging to create specific, measurable action steps to get there if you don’t know exactly where there is.

Consider declaring something specific. For example, instead of saying you want to make more money this year, define it as a specific amount and consider ways you can make it happen. This might be in the form of spending less through budgeting (net effect: more money in savings), or in taking on X number of clients, or creating a new job situation. Whatever the goal, set yourself up to win by being clear about what you are going after.

Remember SMART Goal Setting:

S – specific
M – measurable
A – achievable, action-oriented
R – realistic, relevant
T – time-bound, trackable

I have a PowerPoint deck I’m happy to share with you that explains this more fully if you’d like a copy. Send me an email to info@judahkurtz.com and I’ll pass it along.

Want Success in 2009?

2009-01-15T15:14:00.011-06:00

A client of mine after the New Year said to me: “So I did the “Looking Back, Looking Forward” exercise [find it HERE]… now what?” Here are some thoughts about how to approach this:

Looking Back

My own coach has four questions that help to put closure around 2008 - so you can powerfully put the past behind you and move ahead into 2009. It can be applied to this portion of the exercise.

1) What did you accomplish that you intended to accomplish?
2) What did you accomplish above and beyond what you intended?
3) What didn’t you accomplish that you intended?
4) What would you like to be acknowledged for and by whom?

Take some time to write down these answers and share them with someone you are close to. That will help to close out 2008.

Looking Forward

As for 2009, how to go about it is up to you. This portion of the exercise is about creating a vision of what you want to be/do/have for the coming year. Some are continuations of something you have already been doing (keep smoke-free, continue going to the gym 2x a week), or might be new activities (be open to taking risks, take a vacation, lose 10 pounds).

Here are some suggestions for keeping your goals alive for yourself:

1) Just pick something and start. You will not take on all your goals at the same time. Pick the top 3-5 that you can start making a dent in right now, and begin practicing. You may even want to take on the easiest ones first, so you can experience immediate success to get you motivated.

2) Declare it. By keeping key friends informed of what you are doing, you are setting yourself up with a support system. Share your successes and challenges. This will not only help you, but will also motivate others and help them feel like they are not alone.

3) Partner with someone. Create structures or commitments to help keep you accountable. Find a workout buddy. Partner with someone to help you keep smoke-free. You don’t have to go it alone!

4) Use your calendar. Make sure you have time and space set aside in your day for your activities, goals, etc. If a competing priority comes up, reschedule that time – don’t just cancel it. By carving out the space, it is more likely to stay top-of-mind and you are more likely to do it.

5) Baby steps. Break your goals down into small chunks. See more explanation of this HERE. For example, if you want to lose weight or gain strength, set some targets for the next 3-6 months, then work backward to determine how you will achieve that target. Put in some milestones. Create some structures. But most importantly, don’t get overwhelmed by the bigger goal; remember that you only need to focus on TODAY.

Once again, these are not New Year's resolutions. Rather, they are what you want for yourself and your life for 2009. If you got even 10% of your Looking Forward goals, wouldn't it still be an amazing year?

No Go on "Resolutions?" Donate to Charity!

2009-01-14T14:18:00.001-06:00

Now that we are two weeks into the year, it is worth discussing how best to keep those commitments, goals, etc., that you set for yourself at the beginning of the year. Like I said in a previous entry, I prefer not to call them "resolutions" as that word is loaded with expectation/disappointment.

I ran into an article on Springwise.com (find it HERE) that discusses a great tool for sticking with those New Year's commitments - or more specifically, creating a palatable consequence for not fulfilling on them. Here's a piece of it:

Tallinn-based Pledgehammer gives people a way to make their resolutions public, whether it's stopping smoking, losing 20 lbs. or—to take an example from the more than 100 on the site—taking better care of one's tractor. When they make their pledge, users are asked to choose a deadline—say, by a year from today—as well as some amount of money to give to charity should they fail to keep their promise. Members of the site can create profiles and then post updates of their progress toward their goal over time, as well as cheering other people's efforts.

Opening Up Space

2009-01-13T13:51:00.009-06:00

Sometimes we just have way too much going on – so much so that we find that we just don’t have the capacity to focus on all that is important to us. We feel tired, stretched, and maybe even unfulfilled or ineffective. This is the time to take a look at commitments and see if they are still in alignment with what we want and who we want to be. If the glass is already full, anything added will cause it to spill. And if added with enough force, the glass may even crack and break. The metaphor points to the idea that if we try to do it all – and then some – we could overload to a breaking point. But we don't want it to get to that, so something needs to give.

Take a look at all that you are saying “yes” and “no” to. It might be commitments at work, home, in your social life, or even in your love life. Make a list in two columns. Then evaluate whether they are still commitments you want to keep. Consider distractions as well, such as physical or mental clutter (see a description HERE) as areas where you may also be saying “yes/no.”

Consider where you might be able to eliminate anything that is no longer working for you. Some things may be simple, like cleaning out a closet, or dropping membership to a committee. Other areas may be more complicated, such as a friendship that has run its course or a job that no longer fits your values. Do some reflection on how to be more vigilant about taking care of yourself by not over-committing, saying “yes” because you feel you should or will look bad if you “no,” and of course being thoughtful/respectful in how you decline.

But keep in mind: even in situations that might feel difficult to change, if you open up space in your life (time, energy, physical space), you are opening up the capacity for those things (a new job, a new relationship, rest/rejuvenation) that will better serve you in the long run. Without that space, you could not only miss it when it crosses your path, but when you do see it, you simply won’t have the room for it.

New Year's Exercise: Looking Back, Looking Forward

2009-01-02T14:56:00.012-06:00

I do an exercise every year (at New Year's and/or at birthdays) with clients that has two components: looking back at your successes and the things you've learned over the year, and looking forward toward what you’d like to create and undertake in the coming year. I do this in lieu of New Year's resolutions, as I believe resolutions have a very strong stigma that leaves people feeling as if they have failed in some way if they don't achieve them.

Here's what you do:

Create two separate lists: 1) Looking Back and 2) Looking Forward. Relax and reflect, without judgment, and record your thoughts. This can be a work in progress and can be revised at different points throughout the year – it should be a live document that evolves as you do.

Some tips:

Be realistic by setting achievable goals. Winning the lottery, for example, is out of your grasp.
Describe your goals in specific terms. Instead of "I don't want to be lazy," opt for "I want to exercise regularly" or "I will cut down on my television watching."
Break down large goals into smaller ones. For instance, commit to losing weight by resolving to join a gym and improve your eating habits.
Find alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your plan. For example, if you want to quit smoking, but have smoked to relax yourself, consider: What other forms of relaxation are available to you?
Above all, aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you.

Lastly, here are some topics that you may want to include (for both lists) so that you can broaden your scope beyond losing weight and making more money:

Career: your real expression, not necessarily your “job”
Money: includes both your finances and your “job,” if it’s not your “career”
Health: mental, physical
Relationship: friends, family
Love: romance, partnership, dating
Personal growth
Spirit: relationship to self, universe, higher power
Community: contribution, involvement
Physical environment: home/work space, clutter, living location
Fun and recreation
Time/energy management: how you spend/utilize your time, what you say yes/no to
Communication: style, frequency, with/to whom
Miracles: if something amazing and unexpected were to happen this year…

Continue on to Part II of this exercise HERE.

Asking for Help

2009-01-01T14:52:00.004-06:00

Individualism is a defining characteristic of American society. People in this country not only believe that success is attainable if one puts his best efforts forward, but are conditioned to think those efforts that garner the most respect and are at times considered “real” achievements are those that involve the struggle of a hero going it alone. The rugged cowboy and the self-made millionaire are two images that come to mind. It is because of this that many people fear being seen as vulnerable or weak by asking for assistance in getting where they want to be, in doing something that is important to them.

However, by going it alone, one is denying the full spectrum of resources one has at his or her disposal. Each of us has many people in our lives that have specific talents and expertise that can assist us in moving forward with velocity. Why reinvent the stone wheel when someone has already become an expert at manufacturing steel-belted radials?

Few of us would consider performing her own root canal or defending himself in court – there are individuals with specific training and skills that are better able to take on these activities. Yet, it can be common for us to overlook the fact that we are surrounded by people in our lives (some that we can even hire) that could help us to accomplish some of the goals we set for ourselves – often more quickly and easily.

Ultimately, asking for help is a sign of intelligence and courage. We would never consider pounding a nail into the wall with our fist. Why would we deny ourselves the ability to be more efficient with our time and energy by allowing pride and fear of others’ opinions to dictate how we get from point A to point B. A smart person is one who recognizes the tools and resources she has at her disposal and puts them to the best use possible. And sometimes that starts with asking for help.

Shoulding on Ourselves

2009-01-01T12:46:00.001-06:00

If you are a human being, it is likely you grew up with instructions on what you should and should not do. While our family, teachers and society meant well – trying to provide a framework through which to guide your life and actions – these “shoulds” can often work against you in your adult life. We often limit ourselves in what is possible, what we are able to do and become, and what choices we can make with this restrictive word running through our heads. While this can be a helpful and protective mechanism, it can often result in us “shoulding” all over ourselves, limiting our freedom and ability to venture beyond preconceived boundaries.

Within the coaching experience, I believe that “should” can do more harm than good, and must be used sparingly. Even the obvious “shoulds” (I should take care of my children, I should not steal, etc.) need to be looked at with skepticism. Each “should” must not be taken for granted and instead evaluated on its own merit.

What are the root values beneath each dictum? What are you trying to accomplish by restricting or blindly forcing yourself one way or another? What would be the effect if you were to go in the exact opposite direction?

Once you have answered these and other questions, you are now in a position to choose. And, ultimately, that is the objective: to make an educated and well-thought-out choice. In the end, you may make the same decision that was connected with the “should,” but you will also understand why you are taking one course of action over another. With that comes freedom over “have to,” as you replace “I should” with “I choose.”